Can't. Looking for ghoulten-free fall recipes.
Reluctant Michigander. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:56qlzx4tulfm2muuj2kpuit6/feed/aaab5q3jprwzi
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Can't. Looking for ghoulten-free fall recipes.
“vladimir, here. you’re the worst. you’re disgusting. not even a real condiment. what even are you? ketchup & mayo? blech. ptooey.” - russian dressing down
Air Fryer would be a wonderful name for a Rhodesian Ridgeback
This Tuesday is just three Mondays in a trench coat
Hey boss I was just kidding about taking the job and shoving it (sideways without lube), seeing as I didn't actually win the powerball...
Updated my will to declare that I want my remains spread across a golf course. But I don’t want to be cremated.
I actually just tried 3 times to sign on to get some work done but couldn’t access the network. Obviously there’s no techies working that I can call. I took that as a sign from above that I’m not supposed to do a damn thing today.
Magicians use misdirection and sleight of hand to jerk off in public
I assume that the ghosts were setting off all the fireworks
The dog was acting weird last night and the only plausible explanation is ghosts.
Who called it a pumpkin vine instead of an extension gourd?
It's not "creeping" fascism when it gives up all pretense of stealth.
Not happy with my current job until I look at job postings, then I become unhappy AND depressed.
Dr: Okay Dave, try not to get an erection during this prostate exam. Patient: My name is Steve. Dr: I know, I'm Dave.
Good thing I have a pill organizer, otherwise I wouldn't know what day it is.
ME: Whoa unique horn HORSE WITH A HORN: Thanks- wait say that again
I put my jeggings on like everyone else, one jeg at a time.
Survival of the fittest: Eugenics Survival of people born between 1965 and 1980: EuGenX
Some you would benefit from writing your thoughts on paper and burning it immediately
My 5 seconds of television fame was getting interviewed by the local news after getting a buger from a new truck at the start of the food truck hoopla. "Get the Charlie Brown, its amazing" is a line you may know me by.
I randomly went to a high school football game because my girlfriend's nephew is in the marching band and the band director dated my daughter's roommate in college, so if any of them know Kevin Bacon, I am golden...
He said he needed space, so I sent him to orbit
I am so dumb I thought an air friar was a junior sky pilot.
My Dad struggled to put food on the table because he lacked good depth perception.
I keep asking people what LGBQT stands for. So far I haven’t gotten a straight answer.
Oedipus' favorite Nolan movies are Incestson and Mom-ento.
The Boys* Are Back in Town * lowest common denominator sing-a-long classic rock songs
Neighborhood dogs and coworkers who need Jiras approved both know that I am a total pushover.
I'm going to start an advice column because I'm so much better at giving it than taking it.
Some people's spirit animal is a mosquito. You know, annoying as fuck.
Thinking of changing my name to Manuel Dexterity just for shits n’ giggles. The irony of my poor coordination is just a bonus.
I’m “working” from home tomorrow. A half day On a Friday, before a long weekend I’ll be “working” very hard
was gonna make a list of synonyms for “listless” but i can’t. im feeling lethargic. bored. indifferent. sluggish. languid. sleepy. d
They talkin about yo mama
She was so gassy that with just a gentle tummy squeeze you could play her like a novelty accordion.
The check engine light is there to let you know your dash bulbs are working.
Let's make this quick I don't want to keep you on - my boss 45 minutes before she stops talking
At the end of the original version of Casablanca, Rick dies of a severe cold and a fever, haemorrhaging blood from his head. Ears leaking, achoo!, kid.
"I'm done with this shit." --- me, two hours after getting up
Anybody who is single/dating in their 50s has some baggage, I just think mine is lighter than most.
10th time’s the charm 🙄
We're sending the last of our four sons off to clown college, just like his brothers before him. The kid's got some big shoes to fill.
my auto mechanic: *words, car thingy words, other words, $895, stroke absorber or something idk, more words* me, master negotiator: ok
A colleague almost truncated an important table on a production system using an unchecked query entirely written by AI, but I'm sure "it will get better eventually"
Constantly shielding people from the consequences of their own bad choices is not a viable long-term solution.
Lol me too... time will tell...
It takes two to tango and cash me outside in the cold distance the wildcat did growl
It is what it is.
I stand up to constant needling about as well as a balloon filled with obscenities.
I came across some photos of me looking pretty good at my old rabbit farm. Of course, that was when I had hare.
*up all night worrying about the .1% of germs Clorox Clean-Up doesn’t kill.
Getting a cobweb down by throwing a towel at it. That’s enough cleaning.
I've decided to make 17% of my personality about grapefruit spoons, up from the previous 0%. 3% is already about that weird tiny butter knife neglected at the back of a drawer.
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Well, is it hilarious?
Sometimes problems are too big to eat
The early nerd gets the “erm… actually”
My sister wants to get a Lhasa Apso. I told her those things have small trunks, and they're terrible in the snow. I steered her toward getting a dog for now.
Funerals are for the living. If you climb up out of that casket one more time, I'll kill you.
Baseball caps don’t fit me right anymore. After a minute, the bill slides down and covers my eyes. Working up the courage to move on to a beret.
3 Body Problem? bruh i got like 10 body problems
Weeds - 1 Weed eater - 0
DATE: Would you say you’re religious? ME: *milk baptizing cookies so they don’t go to purgatoreo* yes
I am willing to accept and even comprehend that 2010 was fifteen years ago. However, I am unable to process that *I* am fifteen years older than I was in 2010.
The last two nights I have dreamt about my stressful work project, losing my housing and my ex-wife. Tonight I am hoping to lighten things up with nightmares about being murdered.
I'm opening a big store that only sells power strips. It's an outlet mall
Work is ass which explains all the piles of crap.
I may have a race car bed, but I take things slow
Today is not suitable for all audiences. Approach with caution
If you are a black actor in an American film you need to be prepared to say "motherfucker" A LOT
I can't believe the only way to get out of my job that I hate is to get another job that I hate
I long for you …to join a different site
Thinking of the worst brothers in history and after considering Lyle & Eric, Uday & Qusay, Romulus & Remus, Cain & Able, the Gallagher brothers (I’m thinking Leo & Ron NOT Liam & Noah, but heck let’s include all of them) these two still are at the top of my list.
I was going to boil an alligator for dinner, but all I have is a croc pot.
Finally changing out of my pjs this afternoon, like a resplendent dad-bod butterfly borne from its chrysalis
How to roast a chicken: "I've seen better legs on a used coffee table."
Most of you have never had to change the channel with a butter knife and there's really no way to tell just by looking at you
Jesus, Stanford provided the refs in this game...
Liberty Mutual Orgasm (only pay for what you need)
There must be 50 ways to protect your couch fabric - Paul Simonization
"50 ways to leave your lover" listing only 6 ways to leave is why I have trust issues...
I can smell what you suggested in that skeet and it smells horrible.
"Furiously masturbating" implies the existence of any other kind of masturbating
Bluesky add polls I need to ask Waxing: a) philosophical b) gibbous c) legs
This is 100% true btw
I know a GI doctor that eats with her hands and I sure hope she washes them frequently
boxed wine? on a saturday??? fucking savages
Some people crack wise, some people crack wheat, some people just crack
It's time to separate the Hellmans from the Hellboys - mayonnaise leadership retreat
And that’s how it was August 23, 2025.
Long story short, Autocorrect changed pantry to panties, and now I'm explaining to my very confused father-in-law that I organized my pantry today...
Damn this guy has impeccable taste! - me listening to my own playlists
This shit post is piss poor
She wants to be the love of your life. Yes, the one you'll never find.
Excel is not responding = break time
Luckily I have four emergency Hershey bars
FYI if you burst out in tears when husband asks how your day was he won’t ask you to do anything else
Just one little extra letter and analogy becomes analorgy. Be careful out there.