To me, heāll always be dead š
The OG. Feral essayist. Genderclear. Publicist. They/Thembo. Instructor/Professor: @MorganStateU Words: @MarieClaire_sa @Guardian @The_Rumpus etc.š
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To me, heāll always be dead š
I wonāt tell anyone Iād won the lottery, but there will be signsā
BREAKING: my grip on reality
Ibuprofen sun Tylenol moon Excedrin rising
To me, heāll always be dead š
JUST IN: Space Force will merge with Four Seasons Total Landscaping to become Four Force Space Landscaping & Seasons LLC
JUST IN: Space Force will merge with Four Seasons Total Landscaping to become Four Force Space Landscaping & Seasons LLC
āStone Cold Jane Austen just posted that you ālook like a sentient club foot.ā See?ā
Sorry, but if it looks like Iām about to lie in a viscous bed of moss until the elements consume me, itās because Iām about to lie in a viscous bed of moss until the elements consume me
OMG he snatched Lindsey Grahamās wig and wore it
Sorry, but if it looks like Iām about to lie in a viscous bed of moss until the elements consume me, itās because Iām about to lie in a viscous bed of moss until the elements consume me
I wanna go back to when we thought it already happened. Or forward, to when it does.
Help! Iāve been swept into the riptide of the Aldi check-out lane
What if it happens at 2:07 pm
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER
And when it happens, Iām gonna need each and every one of you to have a drink for me, please
Today makes 13 years since my last drink. HUZZAH!
Trump is a liar and when he dies, heāll lie still
If you need me, Iāll be shaking at the bottom of the ocean because Iām a nervous wreck
The Trump administration announces that the Trump administration will make an announcement tomorrow
Doctor: what brings you in today? Me: I have a climate change/Wilco-fan club Substack and Iām thinking of starting a podcast highlighting John Fetterman-specific shitposts Doctor: ah, yes, you have a classic case of Blueskyism
Oh Donny Boy The pipes, the pipes are calling
Gone too late
A haunted house but itās just Four Seasons Total Landscaping
Trump giving Giuliani his medal of freedom but making him share it also
I can only drive when the sky is blue, you see
I suffer from Blueskyism, which is why I donāt drive at night
Rudy Giuliani? The Masked Singer???
Photo passed along from a federal employee from inside the Dept of Labor building, where a giant Orwellian image of Trump's face is now draped outside. Big Brother is watching.
Yes, you do
he looks great!
Well, yeah. He was golfing
Your Honor, in my defense I had mitochondrial challenges
āI kissed a dead bird I found on the side of the road once and got chirpes, which is a canarial disease.ā
I hope it happens soon. Iāve got a lot of stuff I should be doing
Everyone online waiting for the news to dropā
Everyone online waiting for the news to dropā
My wife, without a hint of satire, just turned to me and said āIām very happy you donāt have a tail.ā
That is Kate Middleton
If it happens today, weāll already have a built-in holiday that can simply be extended to a week
Itās like they slapped a sticker of a hand on the window (and I will pay good money for that same sticker on Etsy soon)
Ruin a movie by making it about Gary. Gary Gardens
I heard Mexico has agreed to pay for the funeral
RFK Jr in prison: Iām the powerhouse of the cell!
Getting ready for all these imminent memorialsā
Trump on Tuesday
[Giuliani's final breath] Tell my family I loved...9/11
This is what happens when you obliterate the presumption of regularity. Endless homework assignments because the court can't trust the government to follow orders in good faith.
RFK Jr on his way to help Rudy Giuliani
Sorry Iām late. I was drunk-driving when a woman flagged me down
Sorry Iām late. I was drunk-driving when a woman flagged me down
"We're going to need a story about this accident. Say he was helping a woman. That should work. Also, is he wearing pants? Make sure he's wearing pants."
My favorite sentence in the New York Times explainer on Mamdani and socialism.
I think when it happens we should call it ācongestive heart successā
Cats are like āI know a placeā and then take you the scenic route to their food bowl
JD Vance right nowā
Took my first trip of the season to Spirit Halloween and when I walked I burst into tears
My shirt came and itās the best thing ever
when something says dry clean only i just leave it in my closet until it seems like it's clean again
I think when it happens we should call it ācongestive heart successā
Heās referring to McDonalds bringing back the Pumpkin & CrĆØme Pie
My cat knows all my PINs and passwords
Now die, die, die, die, die.
I can see RFK Jr saying this next weekā
The more I think about it the most accurate depiction of a CEO is that Simpsons episode where Mr Burns laughs about crippling an Irishman as a child and canāt stop laughing even as heās bathing or going to church
Looks like heās carrying a suit with him, which means heās getting prepped for āthe occasionā himself
The White House: āWe have proof of life.ā The proof of life:
RFK Jr joined the fight on deadly diseases on the side of deadly diseases.
Center for Disease Costco
Nice run-through, friends. Weāre gonna nail it when it really happens. Back to the top
Them: even if he dies, nothing with change Me: except heās dead and Iāll be glad heās dead and everyone will be glad heās dead. Now give me my tambourine back, Susan
You all should check out the internet today. Itās so crazy sometimes
What if heās been on the roof this whole time
Well now heās definitely not telling you
At least Trump has RFK Jr to take care of him
JD Vance: [imagining all the couches the Oval Office can hold]
Have we made sure heās not, like, golfing somewhere
Like, what do I even wear?????
If I find out while Iām at the Maryland Renaissance Festival today, Iām gonna steal a horse (and a turkey leg) and pull a Paul Revere
Them: even if he dies, nothing with change Me: except heās dead and Iāll be glad heās dead and everyone will be glad heās dead. Now give me my tambourine back, Susan
I just woke up. Is Trump dead? Should I immediately put on bells and whistles this morning????
If your baby is struggling to sleep at night, flip it 180Ā° in the crib
Sugarrrrr water
again
RFK Jr looks like heās been sampling the diseases at the CDC
I had that one nightmare where Iām shoved upon a spotlit stage, naked, and everyone in the audience is a close friend, including Sarah from Ninth Grade who always clapped when celebration certainly wasnāt called for. You know the one.
When people realize that I come from a long line of cornfed lesbians, THEN they understand
That man is a baby xenomorph and you canāt convince me otherwise
Who is he to be talking about ācrownā anything????
Think Iām gonna change the song that plays when you click on my MySpace page today
My birthday is next Wednesday. Thank you for your attention to this matter
I canāt take any more of this shit.
The nameās Ford. Betty Ford.
third base is when I unhinge my jaw in front of you
I wish the worm was alive. RIP brainworm. We would have loved having you alive and flourishing right now
He didn't actually say that and it is deeply irresponsible to say otherwise.
I think we should start referring to the CDC in the style of "X (formerly known as Twitter)"--"Empty buildings in Atlanta formerly known as the CDC."
Taxes need to be higher
