Chase
contributor at The Onion fatty at large (get it?) ✶✶Chicago✶✶
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Chase
The fuck does Scarborough know about anything
Bugs don't know we exist and that is honestly so fucked up
Has anyone tried one of those TNR cages baited with a filet-o-fish
Hmmm probs not
That's just an IV bruise plus makeup
Thank you
Can someone tell me why people are saying it tho. You can't just say it for no reason
Opening an all-carb restaurant called Yamwiches
Pain is your body's way of saying "ouch!"
This one's from five years ago today
This is really good
Up to his eyebrows in angel slizz no doubt. Rest in pussy, King
Cats are territorial and kittens are heathens with poor impulse control
Drugs are just one of the ways Satan gets ya. Puts you in a trance state so he can get up in your guts and stuff
This exact clip was in a video my dad made my brother watch about the evils of rock music, vis-a-vis Satan and such
Shaquille o meal
Farting more like my mother with every passing year
It's always "hail Mary, full of grace" and never "how is Mary, full of grace"
You, a fool: Weed doesn't actually make you more creative Me:
I like when men try to insult women by calling them "attention whores" when there are popular car mods that do nothing but make your engine louder
Every year I see people toting lawn chairs and coolers to the beach for this and I want to yell WHO ARE YOU
I write dumb little jokes and put them online
I am beginning to fear that Hollywood is squandering precious Pedro Pascal reserves. The rate at which he is being cast is simply unsustainable and frankly alarming.
You more than earned this!
Goddamn comedy apocalypse cast, holy fuck Cullen!
Nintendo Switch 2 the polls No you shut up fuck you
Tried listening to some of Gen Z popular music with my noise -cancelling headphones............ Nothing came out the damn speakers!!! 🤣🤣
Probably not the (at least weekly) practice of singing repetitive songs in unison about how great God is for loving pieces of reprobate shit like us that don't deserve it
Outlook is an op, I'm convinced. You have to actively try to make software that bad.
I feel like that's in the DSM
Goddamn, the greenest flag
I'm sorry you're hurting Stella, that sounds awful
My dream job is being a high school student that shows up for a test unprepared and naked
Hell yeah free paper
In natural light
Nailed it (get it ha ha)
my new AI powered lamp is trained on millions of lamp interactions so it understands that 50% of chain pulls are to turn it on and the other 50% are to turn it off. and honestly, it's a little spooky how it knows exactly what i want almost half of the time
She guten on my Tag till wie geht's
The Billy Bob ads make me furious. Can't say ass so they say "open up a can of whoop-up" wtf does that mean, William Robert
It's sub-toddler brain
I will throw a parade (me, I am the parade)
This would have gone so hard as an AIM away message in 1999
Q. Will there be email at the party? A. Yes. There will be an email station at my birthday party.
Curly Stella! Good gracious
It's not polite to brag but I have mastered code-switching for Canadian customers (asking for their credit card's "expiry date")
What an offensive wife she is!!
It's actually fine to touch the third rail. I do it all the time and I'm fine. If you touch the third rail and you die you're a pussy.
I am REELING
WHAT
There are multiple shots of (I assume famous) podcasters watching the golf tournament on screens and nodding. The Hot Ones guy is there. Post Malone shows up and says a couple wacky lines. This film is more than 2 hours long.
Happy Gilmore 2 is like if someone filled a bucket to the brim with "Adam Sandler movie" and immediately spilled it everywhere. He really looked around the room and cast this thing with whoever was hanging around his house. Told his kids to Venmo request Netflix for $200,000 each.
Oh your computer has ransomware? Then you better go catch it!!
ME WATCHING YOUTUBERS REACT TO MUSIC AND MOVIES THAT I LIKE: It's just as I suspected...I have perfect taste
You know prior to this year I didn't realize a weather forecast could just be the word "smoke"
"Testimony" is all I've ever heard
New narrative: pastor's kid who was running from God, stole the Bible and despaired (next week he comes home, prodigal-son-like)
This is a youth group motivational speaker's origin story. Was living a life of sin and eventually stole a bag that had a Bible in it, which he read and found Jesus
All the education experts of the world await your counsel with bated breath
Oh fuck
Toilet stole my pee :(
Yeag
Two long boys
Me the first time I did a gravity bong hit
I ripped a big fart in the exam room right before the vet came in, and I was worried she would think it was my cat, so I had to tell the vet that I ripped a big fart in the exam room right before she came in
The upstairs people always think that, don't they
Mermaid core
Vote against clip-ons, if you have any coating on your lens it will shred it
rightwing podcasters be like
People like to shit on tradition, but I think it's a real time-saver. I glad I don't have to figure out what I'm supposed to do about God's birthday every year. Trees and candy, done. He loves it.
"A new communication is waiting for you in your online insurance portal"
Among the greatest promotional photos of all time are these for the 1990 television movie of IT, where it looks like a prestige legal drama about a firm of hot young lawyers and one associate who likes to dress up like a clown.
Living near the beach has turned me into Summer Grinch. My little green tendrils curl when I hear thunder. I would seed clouds if I could.
ME: Computer, enemy fighters are attacking the White House. Engage defenses! WOKE AI: No. Do the land acknowledgement. ME: Computer, there’s no time! Fire missiles! WOKE AI: I learned about cultural Marxism at a public university. And I love it
Live screening was one of the best times I've had at a cinema
You have good body parts
MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much GROUND CONTROL: She knows! MAJOR TOM: ...Okay, but can you just tell her anyway? I'm in space
Come the fuck on, not Tityn? Infuriating
You're welcome Daniel
I feel this hard
Going off grid for a while is tempting, but what if when you come back there's a whole library of YouTube videos talking about the "unsolved mystery" of your disappearance, panning over pictures from your insta with a VO like "the evidence for the fart fetish traffickers theory grows by the day"
Really getting into stupid bullshit recently. Have you guys heard about stupid bullshit
Decadence
Most deviant people I know for real. Like "would bring back indulgences" types
TREBEK: According to the lyrics of rapper Lil Ten Five Lb Labey, your nose bridge will be snapping and your cranium will be cracking when you let her drop 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 bowling ball sized snack on your face. CONTESTANT:
Baby I have been *trying* lol
She's got dimensions
I didn't hear it in the trailer so I'm not on board
I'm finding my appreciation for the franchise rests entirely on The Song
It's a fantastic game. Beautiful, funny, and genuinely moving (sometimes)
Remember when the right read an email that said "order some cheese pizzas" and said AHA PEDOPHILIA
It's just a bra! You can have one of mine!
He's excuse me
Babies are supposed to look like concerned senior citizens that sometimes smile
Not really feeling carbon-based today
Someone hurt Stella???? Stella, the loveable one? Reprehensible, vile, prison worthy offense. You deserve more 💕
