Today, a marketing coordinator said, “A casino is a prison where customers choose to be an inmate for life,” and he was given an instant promotion.
Headache. Big Boss Human: @riversidecasino.bsky.social Contributor: @sorrowscopes.bsky.social @greenevillezoo.bsky.social @cloverkisscinema.bsky.social My posts: https://bsky.app/profile/allhailjerry.bsky.social/feed/aaafaaongqdyc
6,363 followers 414 following 1,693 posts
view profile on Bluesky
Today, a marketing coordinator said, “A casino is a prison where customers choose to be an inmate for life,” and he was given an instant promotion.
TV medical shows taught me enough to perform basic surgery. So really my only mistake was letting the chihuahua be the anesthesiologist.
Fall is when I slowly become transparent.
Don't think that computers should be allowed to make those 'dun-dun' error noises at me. It's not polite. I am trying my best.
I took a picture, but it wasn't a selfie. Is there a word for that? A "someone elsie"?
putting a “honk if i can have $6” bumper sticker on my car and sitting at a red light until i can afford this bitchin’ crystal samurai statue i saw in my dream last night
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a carousel when I told her, "I don't think this is going anywhere."
Walls that get dusty: uhh okay. Fuck
Bajillion dollar idea: a maximum wage
you ever watch the news and get so mad you lay an egg?
You wouldn't assume the reptile house employees would need their own dedicated HR team. You'd be wrong.
Every day is freaky when you’re on Jamie Lee Curtis’ kill list.
The movies are only limited by our imaginations (and federal tariff policy).
The Abyss depicts a scientist encountering a large unknown creature and her first response is to pet it which is pretty realistic, that's how I'd get eaten too
If Mark Wahlberg had been in Rudy Giuliani’s car, he could’ve prevented that accident.
What have I told you about going to LinkedIn unsupervised!!!
[Giuliani's final breath] Tell my family I loved...9/11
Idea for a sitcom: cops not beating up citizens.
Whoever broke into the mongoose enclosure, gave them all tiny leather jackets and mohawks then changed the sign to “Sneerkats:” respect.
We'll stop playing "Fitter, Happier" on an endless loop when you people start hitting the MAX BET buttons on your slot machines!
once you reach ten thousand posts an ogre should appear and eat you
I've been disappointed by humanity but even more disappointed by the aliens who refuse to abduct me
feel like slim and fat chance should be a different amount of chance
Some people are just facebook funny and you know exactly what I mean by that
The blackjack tables just not going your way? Good luck finding a new god!
The old zoo is dying; the new zoo struggles to be born. Please take a moment to fill out our visitor feedback survey.
I've rewritten my college's fight song as a spirited and rousing apology to my parents.
[being murdered] murderer: (murdering) what are you doing on your phone me: (putting away phone) my bad what's up what's going on
Well, well, well. If it isn’t exactly what I asked for and more or less what I deserve.
Motherfucker’s kryptonite is calesthenics
The attitude i bring to the county fair pie competition
don't believe everything you believe
I daydream about being woken in the dead of night by the sound of shouts, cheers, and car horns.
I can't stay in bed and relax all day. I'm so jealous of Gregor Samsa.
I just got two emails about you closing your account. What the hell!!!
That is one of the most poorly cut jibs I have ever seen
Seems weird that the CDC is now recommending not using convertibles in Dallas
Hire me to mark your territory at Walmart.
Do actual work?
i think a fun job would be writing children's books that piss off conservatives
God grant me the serenity to read comments online, the wisdom to disagree, and no mouth or hands
netflix should do a documentary about people who microwave fish at work.
Sometimes things go your way, and sometimes you read a post referencing a song you are unfamiliar with
Why are other people still posting? It's pretty clear I've got this covered.
ICE Arrests Firefighters Caught Attempting to Murder Wildfire: tinyurl.com/255zs4c5
HIM: goddamn, you say the sweetest things ME: *puts away liner notes from Aerosmith* you really think so?
"People are walking down Sesame Street without fear for the first time in their lives."
climate change has gone TOO FAR
*fixing my mitochondrial challenges using generative AI and a bottle of bleach*
bros threw me an ivermectin intervention
Welcome to the Love Hospital. You’re the doctor. You’re the patient
The one thing you won't do for love is known as your Meat Loaf Boundary
Awful time to be alive but truly an amazing time to be a hater
Took an online IQ test and ironically downloaded malware
For all you know, asshole, I could be a motivational speaker.
You know who needs their own travel show? That orc who says, "Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys."
Dear Santa I know it's only August, but as a Bluesky Elder...
Shake hands with a fistful of cornflakes for that authentic "business crunch" potential employers look for
If Dr Seuss wrote user manuals: This giant robot is really quite clever. The new design is our safest ever! If it malfunctions, make sure it’s rebooted, or you could be electrocuted. It might rip off your head and wear it like a hat, but it really is safe, apart from that.
I put my pants on everybody else
I should be able to shazam how the guy down the street died
I knew we'd be best buddies when I saw you'd bedazzled the Dead Kennedys logo onto your Members Only jacket.
Do you suppose things started to go wrong BEFORE your wife built herself a man out of pillows?
Just out of photo's frame is his dog-eared copy of Thus Spoke Zarathustra.
Ugh, 9-1-1, what’s YOUR emergency?
A little lesson in how to enjoy International Dog Day.
Two paths diverged in the woods, and I took the one marked Layser Cave.
Those books got me through some serious college away-from-home depression. I was lucky to live just a couple blocks from Lindsay House.
Write a horror novel about what they have to do to harvest the souls needed for operating those self driving cars.
You want a pep talk? You either die of stupidity or live with it
What do you call this? A) turn signal B) indicator C) blinker D) idk I drive a BMW
As do we all.
I was dropped on my head when I was an adult.
Scientist Simulates Deck Chair Rearrangement. Titanic Survives Collision With Iceberg.
Stupid dog!
JUDGE: the charge is breaking and entering how do you plead KOOL AID MAN: what the fuck do you think
Being a chess prodigy can be a lonely existence, and lonelier still if you suck at chess.
All this time I was trying to frighten cops and landlords and I was just frightening Snoop Dogg
Unlike Daffy and Donald, Greeneville's ducks won't drop a dime on you.
Hate more people for only $3 a day! Sign up for my $5000 seminar and I'll show you how.
Get 10 popcorn Heimlichs and your next one is free.
My goal for today is to keep feeding questions to Google's AI about famous cubist painter Dennis Franz until it becomes AI truth.
some patients are going to die, and you have to find a way to accept that - it’s just part of being a really bad chiropractor
Divorced men in your area trying the all beef diet
You are so close.
I take the premise of Wings Of Desire as fact, and I believe Fred Rogers and Sid Vicious are the best angel team in Idaho.
Clover Kiss: When you're here, you're family. We can't stand our family.
No one has been appreciating our triple feature of Bird (1988), Plane (2023), and Superman (2025).
I just hope Bsky doesn't make us start using MLA format.
When people say "animals, we don't deserve them", they never mean woodlice
I still think I could’ve kicked Norman Mailer’s ass at his funeral.
q-tips knows god damn well we stick those things in our ears
Goldfinger lashes out at term 'Bond villain' in new interview. “I'm just a villain.”
but those are my emotional support mood swings
Good sir! I'll have you know that many of my ancestors have fallen victim to white zinfandel.
If you’re pure of heart you can put anything in the recycling
a little work in progress
I teach in both college and high school classrooms and literally not a single student uses a Meta product. I asked. Why aren't we talking about Zuckerberg the same way we talk about MySpace Tom?
you should be able to get a haircut while you’re having surgery