We have to check if it's tequila
Drowned in a bath of baked beans. Went to Hell. Hated it. Came back. Went to Twitter, but the humans turned it into X. Hated it, came here. Current location: the loft. Or behind the settee.
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We have to check if it's tequila
Ghost camp is a blast though. We never sleep
Yes, I'm working here! My tasks include making sure the lockers don't charge, blocking the car parks and stealing all the toilet paper. Might drive a buggy at high speed through a crowd later
Our favourite sort of terror
Also the smoke makes us go visible
If you don't breathe it's very difficult to smoke
This would work for bottles of tequila or chocolate digestives
Indeed we can. Just ask my great and rather sexy friend, Martin (formerly Mary) King of Scots.
Most ghosts are either annoying teetotalers or high-functioning alcoholics. There is no middle ground.
How do ghosts eat apples? Ghosts do not eat apples. That wasn't a joke. We just don't need vitamins
Hehe the Human Man is complaining his boots are too tight but actually I spent yesterday prepping and identical *but slightly smaller* pair of boots, complete with scuffs and mud. Humans think haunting is easy but I work damn hard at this!
Stoked for this. Hope the humans got a ticket too cos I need a lift. #nineinchnails @nine
You should try being a ghost. It's this ^^^ but for all eternity
Ghosts can't float past an espresso machine without hacking all over it. It's just a thing.
Fun Fact: there are no Nazi ghosts. There are a few spirits around who were Nazis when they were human, but after death the other ghosts kicked that shit out of them.
That's kinda fun
Checked my notes and there's nothing we can do to you that comes close to what humans do to each other.
You humans are always sooo scared of ghosts but the real monsters are you.
Henceforth, the body of water currently known as the English Channel will be renamed The Spooky Sea. The Ghost Community will not be taking questions.
Dead inside. And outside! It's quite liberating.
Trans women ghosts are women ghosts 🏳️⚧️
Teaching myself the ukulele in the loft while the humans are trying to sleep.
When you become a ghost you realise every human is an asshole
Hate it when I'm sat on a train and a human comes on and sits right on me like they didn't even see me, which of course they didn't, and then they complain that their seat is 'ice cold'. Rude
If you sit and pop it spookily in the loft at night, it really annoys the humans trying to sleep down below.
Remember whatever the movie, we're on the side of the ghosts.
Should be OK but bring snacks and don't scream in the scary bits
Please don't come on movie night, we're busy
The Human Girl gets me
A lazy Sunday at the cemetery. There wasn't a lot of haunting to do in the snow so we gathered in the cafeteria and haunted choc-ices.
I would also haunt the crap out of this.
Fake news. We don't do that sort of thing.
New Year New Me, and by New Me I mean Exactly The Same Old Me.
Most ghosts manifest to intoxicated humans. We are attracted to liquor
Suggesting some New Year resolutions for my Humans. They don't seem as grateful as I expected. F*** 'em.
Generally ghosts are very good at languages. We have Duolingo and a lot of spare time. Duchamp was probably trolling you, or drunk
I had to block my own humans cos they could see what I was up to
At this time of year, spare a thought for the ghosts who are floating around abandoned houses with no Humans to haunt. The lucky bastards. My Humans are running me ragged. 'Do Christmas Yet to Come again!' Etc
I would haunt the crap out of this
This joke amused the ghost/Undead community
We don't do that. Mostly we just pull faces at you
Opinion is divided on whether it's necessary for a ghost to go to the toilet to poop. My Humans say it is, I say it isn't. In other news, I am in disgrace and have been sent to the shed.
That's what I said. Apparently the humans in the cafeteria complained their 'burgers' tasted burnt
I already have a nice easy job working the cemetery across the road. A little light haunting, some tidying, working the kitchens at the café and occasionally working the ovens at the crematorium. Once got those last 2 confused and was in massive trouble
Every single one is haunted
The chances of my Humans being stabbed by a ghost are low, but never zero. They should bear that in mind.
There's still time
Meh
Humans think they're funny but they're really not.
Wish I wrote that on the mirror
Got terrible diarrhoea. Sprayed the Human's toilet, sink, shower, floor, walls and quite a bit of the ceiling with fizzy gravy. To relieve the tension I wrote in slimy poop on the bathroom mirror: 'Sorry I thought it was just a fart'.
I'm not obsessed with ghosts, I am a real ghost. Mostly obsessed with playing xylophone spookily in the loft. But I will make time to see this human programme
Fell into the smoothie maker and now there's 500 tiny Betsys floating round the house. Back when I've gathered myself up.
I should get a job as a ghost writer! Hahaha I kill myself. Again.
You would make an excellent ghost
Pretending to be human is easy - you just make the stoopidest possible decision in response to any situation
Top poltergeisting
Thank you
All the ghosts have fantastic hair
Bring snacks
Ghost Hunters... your chances of seeing a ghost increase massively if you bring snacks. No onion ring though.
Ghosts and cats are very similar. If you want us to interact, bring snacks.
You would make an excellent ghost
We like hats. Be the hat guy
It's very annoying
You don't have to hunt ghosts, you can just call us.
I watched 13 Ghosts and was on the side of the ghosts. Also those weren't real ghosts.
Contract haunting available. Reasonable rates.
This is ironic cos Twitter was started by ghosts as a way to swap haunting ideas. Then we let the humans in and they ruined it.
You don't have to hunt us, you can just call or DM us.
That's not a real ghost, it's just a human in a sheet! Our union shut this film down.
*I'm* the Ghost of Christmas Present. Specifically the humans' presents. I steal the gift vouchers.
Our union will be all over this
I can always butt in and lower the tone. You can be confident of that, human.
Gales are an occupational hazard for ghosts. That and vacuum cleaners.
Blimey it's windy. The Green Lady of Dunnottar Castle went out for a midnight haunt and now Wipers Tommy has to pick her up from Denmark or something
Dunno how to break it to you humans, but you smell weird. Kinda meaty. It's very off-putting.
Being a human must be a bit like being a slug. Having a vague idea that nature has played a cruel trick on them but lacking the brains to figure out what it was.
The Christmas tree has somehow found its way back into the garden. It's quite the mystery
The Humans say that 1) the cat can't write and 2) it died in 2023. #fmal
Humans want to know who is poltergeisting the Christmas tree. Wrote 'it was me, signed The Cat' on the wall in blood. Not sure they're convinced.
Every year. The humans put up a tree in the living room. Every morning they find it has floated mysteriously into the garden overnight. Whyyyyy they never learn?
Eating crackers in the Human Bed. Crumbs everywhere. Top poltergeisting.
There is actually a special place in Hell. We decorated it with pictures of everything they did while they were alive
Tbf we find it annoying too
This is how ghosts normally see pigeons. It's quite unsettling
Actually, it's the bureaucracy.
This evening I have mostly been haunting Sleep Token. Tomorrow I will also be haunting them, and again for the rest of the week #sleeptoken #sleeptokenglasgow
I am NOT floating towards the light. Don't even try.
Please haunt Scotland
Twitching just thinking about it
You wouldn't believe how badly we can load a dishwasher
If poltergeisting were easy, everyone would do it.
DVDs are by colour. Every fool knows that.
Arranging the humans' CDs in alphabetical order. Top poltergeisting.
You'll need to join the union
I'd say it's a breath of fresh air, except I gave up breathing
A soul. Tbh that's pretty much all I am