20 hours of uninterrupted screen time a day would surely fix me
my cats run this account 🇨🇦🏳️🌈 my thumbs typed these https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:oj3db6konv7tykrlt5qhd4ei/feed/aaamyrujnfzcc top things my thumbs typed https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:oj3db6konv7tykrlt5qhd4ei/feed/aaahsiujuhedi
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20 hours of uninterrupted screen time a day would surely fix me
i say the word burp out loud when i burp and you dont so whos the real artist around here
a simple and easy way to turn invisible is age
The worst part about aging is becoming so incredibly sexy that people won’t leave you alone.
The worst part about aging is that no one wants to hear about the incredible new music you just discovered anymore.
One day you’re young and wild then suddenly you look down and your air guitar is now an acoustic.
enough already! i've had it! from now on the only pronoun i want to hear about is the second person possessive (your mom)
This couture is a little too juicy for me. I prefer a drier couture.
Refraining from liking a post isn’t good enough. I want to be able to press a button and have it show my disdain.
Him: I need advice. Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Being an adult means promising yourself you’ll get on a better sleep schedule every day until you die
you can't scare me. I was a fat kid in high school
i want to be buried with a dye pack. just in case of grave robbers
poseidon waiting half an hour after eating before going for a swim
“You will never look at another woman again.” - Medusa’s Tinder Bio
[husband gagging] ugh why does this sauce taste so bad [me putting my bad intentions back in the cupboard] dunno babe i cooked with love like i always do
*racking my brain* you come up with something funny or else *brain* oh no im already stretched so thin
Happy Grumpy Bashful Dumb AF Stupid Slutty Ugh - snow white and the seven skeets
the controls on firefox are at least better than the ones i have on my life ill give them that
i was a stellar wingman for a friend in 2001 does that mean i saved a game can i restart there
“They say rabbit is a delicacy in France” Me: shut up and take my bunny.
Limbering up with my first inane reply of the day.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I've been MIA because an actual dove hunter took out the internet to most of my area. How is this even real life?
“Bake me a cake as fast as you can” is an unhinged demand.
Sure, calling them travel writers is fine, but I just feel that ‘journeylists’ would’ve been so much better.
If you smash every pot you come across eventually there’s going to be something cool inside one of them no doubt
i take more of my inspiration from cartoon characters than those in power
😸🥰
[me tucking my casino tokens in a bush] wut apparently hedging your bets is good
accidentally went to the bathroom with my bluetooth on and everyone heard me watching gilmore girls
OK fine but can he go back to avoiding the public again please
Slept in Ramones shirt, didn't wake up because I'm sedated.
I call my veterinarian Icarus because she always wants to get way too close to my son, who is a cat
nutrition is so confusing im trying to eat my bitter greens but jealousy just isnt filling me up
i call my boyfriends “contempt” & “board” cuz sometimes im beneath contempt & other times im above board heyoooooooo
[reading my tea leaves] ah yes organic waste sums up my future perfectly
“Now Open 24/7” - Pandora’s Box
[trying to stop cerberus from eating sidewalk scraps while giving him a walk but i keep getting tangled in his three leashes] drop it! drop it! drop it!
i know the earth isnt flat because no company is trying to sell me a trip to see the edge of it
Micro-dosey-doe linedancing
You haven't aged a day. You're a single celled organism, girl.
never more vulnerable than when naked in front of a cat with the zoomies
Don't let him distract you from the fact that he died.
another sad case of a good kid gone bad
❤️ 🫂
My girlfriend is currently suffering from pneumonia and has limited mobility due to back problems. Any help is appreciated. If you pay the full amount, I promise to never post on this platform again or to post way, way more - donor's choice. gofund.me/a2c2961a
i wish human beings were as sensitive to my touch as a pop up ad
chianti AND fava beans!? in THIS economy??
I tried on a pair of warm, fluffy ear muffs that ended up being a very surprised cat.
divorce lawyer: who wants custody of the kids Heinz: i’ll take the SmartOnes™️ Kraft: fine. idc. imma go out with the Singles™️ divorce lawyer: what
oh man thats so awesome 🤩
went for a hike on this cool, humid morning. birds sang in the early light and a deer grazed, wiggling its ears as i strode on. i reached the summit and knelt down in the glistening flora. "do the dew," i whispered, bringing my mouth to a blade of grass. "damn. water again." my search continues.
listen your honor my pleasure is innocent until *proven* guilty
A dog barked at its own reflection in a shop window. Everyone stared, but secretly we all related.
When you think about it, air fryers are just easy bake ovens for adults
I’ll tell you what I know about subatomic particles, very little
flipping through browser tabs and open spreadsheets trying to piece together what i was working on before the long weekend like i'm guy pearce in memento
I’ve never related to anything as much as Ruth on Ozark saying “I don’t know shit about fuck”.
Extended family? In this economy?
Indiana Jones and the Fucking Audacity of 2025.
Every time I press reset password another brain cell gets its wings.
“I am Gary. I have traveled many miles, and searched through many forests to find you, wise one. Please share with me your words of wisdom.” “Hooooo?” “Gary.”
We are long overdue for the rabble to be roused.
a toilet that poops back
the 26.2 sticker on my car is for how many la croix i drink per day
I emerge from the time machine and see my teenaged self. “Wow,” she says. “You’re me...but, like, old.” “Yeah,” I tell her. “Are you here to let me know it gets better?” she asks. “What? God no—it gets SO much worse. I just came for my last few gulpfuls of clean air.”
a lynch mob but it's just a bunch of people wearing david lynch masks asking where agent cooper is when you need him
A large group of strangers is called a nightmare.
Welcome to your 50s. No one knows how, but you’ve screenshot your home screen three times today. Again.
ai generated announcement from the recently deceased president of the united states
i know the earth isnt flat because no company is trying to sell me a trip to see the edge of it
“sometimes i feel like i just don’t fit in here.” - a USB port . probly .
Bluesky Stats: Currently, eight out of ten Bluesky users are engaged in sexual activity. The remaining two are me writing this and you reading it.
Every relationship is one-sided when it's in an interrogation room with the funniest reviews
Just remember, the goal is to die a little every day, not all at once.
Doc Martens is short for Documentary Martens.
No one wants proof of life, btw
Who the fuck even are you people?
I said I was into resting. Not interesting
Thanks to bluesky, I've upped my eye rolling game by like 87-89%.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me. “Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Gratis means free potatoes. We’re done here.
it’s funny that for years we’ve spent every day hoping he will shut up and go away and then when he does we’re like WHERE IS HE?!
You know what else is “al dente?” - Me, flirting at Olive Garden.
Them: Be nice to yourself. Me: But that's not nearly as funny.
I shouldn't have to know who this many people are. I am a thing of the damp, dark, subterranean caverns.
i love the unmistakable sound of a skateboard going down the street
i would still do mine at the bare minimum 😸
Imagine if we all got 12 minute standing ovations for doing our jobs.
When everything is going wrong, be grateful you have no allergy to coffee.
i think i have schrödingers credit card i have no money but lots of money at the same time
*captain hook terrified listening to all the crew talk about tiktok*
Sexually speaking, I am dead from the waist down and also from the waist up
Bajillion dollar idea: a maximum wage
*pronounces trombone like zamboni*
If I’ve learned anything it’s that most of us haven’t learned anything
the news can be very dark these days but i think it's important not to overreact. no one's being loaded onto trains bound for the camps, and i just don't see that ever happening. not at the levels we've invested in mass transit. they'll be loaded onto the bed of an F-150 barreling down the HOV lane.