1 like = 1 different thing than what I said above, these things aren't binding contracts
This place is not a place of honor. No highly esteemed deed is commemorated here. Nothing valued is here. Or here: https://shorturl.at/HAomx Newest: https://shorturl.at/WSYWt
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1 like = 1 different thing than what I said above, these things aren't binding contracts
1 like = 1 hidden message that will come to you in a dream
[fancy dinner party] ME: may i use your bathroom HOST: sure it’s down the hall ME: thanks [later] ME: *toweling off* you’re out of shampoo
Visualizing your goals makes them easier to abandon.
Just like roadkill I'll poke you with a stick if I think you're dead.
For some reason my brain read hours instead of days the first time, oops. 😂
Why would you be in favor of that
omg I boiled your daughter’s pet rabbit as a joke calm down
RIP Hercules you would've loved Labor Day
that don't subaru impreza me much
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. What I'm saying is I'm not upset with you, that would make me crazy.
Sometimes I use negative words or phrases to describe things in an endearing fashion. Like saying someone is stupid cool, or fucking braindead amazing.
O Stepbrother, What Are Thou Doing?
There is an 81.81 percent chance that jet fuel doesn't melt shameful beams This makes sense in my brain, probably
ME: Whoa unique horn HORSE WITH A HORN: Thanks- wait say that again
Her: I love you so much Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
You’re obnoxious. Let’s french.
I can't believe you would post about improper fractions 😡
Our menu options have changed Press 1 to please respond Press 2 to ignore this forever Press 3 to press 3
Salt has to be one of the absolute worst things your wife could be turned into a pillar of
Video appeals 46-year-old conviction for killing The Radio Star, argues that The Radio Star is alive and well and living under assumed name of The Podcaster.
now is the pepto-bismol of our discontent
Babe are you mad at me? You’re not reskeeting me.
Accidentally overdosed on Gatorade. Doctors say I'll never thirst again.
heygirl is that a pants in ur pockets or... uhm. is there... hi
Me: [orders pizza] Them: Would you also like our cheesy bread with sauce? Me: Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? Me: 2 please.
What if our hands met in the $5 DVD bin at Walmart?
Then I can tell people I was Touched By An Angel, but the whole series is almost $100 so maybe not Unless....
When a priest dies, they meet their reverend
People that understand sarcasm are the real heroes.
The key to avoid disappointments is to ignore everything.
Always wear black to therapy to prove you can't be helped.
I don't have irony poisoning, but I am drinking this arsenic because it tastes really good.
daily reminder that you are NOT valid and your feelings do NOT matter <3 i love you
Aw you rascal, you remembered opposite day! :)
What a horrible day to know how to read
Them: Failure is not an option. Me: Then how have I picked it so many times?
I tuck my son into bed, as I leave I trip over a Lego and land awkwardly on a pointy Batman action figure. One orphan creates another
Dr: Okay Dave, try not to get an erection during this prostate exam. Patient: My name is Steve. Dr: I know, I'm Dave.
WAITER: what else can i get you ME: nothing thanks WAITER: okay I’ll get the check ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same skeleton costume
it’s called a nascar driver because a turnie was taken
“sometimes i feel like i just don’t fit in here.” - a USB port . probly .
Ygolohcysp
THERAPIST: what do we say when we haven’t heard back from our friends? ME: it’s fine, you hate me THERAPIST: no
Bad news everyone! Donald Trump is dead. That's right, dead tired from golfing all the time.
Don't ask what your country can do for you, ask your country what the fuck is going on
I regret to inform you that the [GOOD POST FUNCTION] has been deactivated on this account.
They fondly called me Fidget Spinner, but their tone changed when I took up with swords.
What
YOU: English is needlessly confusing. ME: It's what it's.
Yes
Give it enough time and we won’t even remember why I set your car on fire, silly
"Fill my Hole" Courtney Love whispers as she looks for a new musician for her band.
I’ll also take a hole in the head if that’s still an option
Which song is it gonna be? Malibu? Doll Parts? Celebrity Skin? The choices are endless!
By the power vested in me by the fallen demon lord X'vertiviz, I now pronounce you slave to the dark ichor.
My diet is consume whatever food you want and then remove the T and take a nice dirt nap.
Nothing ever bad happens at that one chocolate factory, so obviously.
They’re not doggie shoes, they’re barkenstocks.
I knew that year eating nothing but Smarties candy would benefit me!
A subscript is surprisingly a dom because it dominates the whole meaning of the formula.
I admire your lack of self respect, people who sing happy birthday in restaurants
Accountant: ʸᵒᵘ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ
accountant: we need to talk about the bottom line optometrist: what
That's where fun sized candy bars come from
Archaeologists have discovered the remains of a 1.5 million year old Ghostbuster. It's thought to be an early species of haunter-gatherer.
It turns out the recurring nightmare I’ve been having is just life in general.
I can be trusted to operate a bulldozer without any experience or qualifications. If you need something bulldozed and you can provide the bulldozer and you don't care about collateral damage and you're not a narc, give me a call
Praise Jebus
at the convent, they're all sisters from the same mister. Mr. Christ, that is.
you yankin' my chain? no don't stop. i love a good chain yankin'. yank your little heart out, baby.
I like my women like I like my threats, naked. Now get in the clown car.
America will begin to heal only when the Democrats retake the White House in 2028 and reach across the aisle, in an earnest gesture of patriotic bipartisanship, to jail everyone who voted for Bernie Sanders in the 2016 primary
How disappointing to fall off a cliff and there's no midair pause nor cartoon noise
Someone: how are you? Me: thanks, you too.
Lead by example only works when the example isn't some spawn of an infernal hell dimension.
Not fitting in means that you’re custom-made.
Am I supposed to quote tweet this and say this is about me? Probably not, so I won't.
Fellas is it gay to be happy
Sorry I couldn't make it to your event, I just really didn't wanna go.
I read horror for fun, but nothing chills me like knowing so many of you are responsible for raising children.
Let's play the game of who needs who the worst, my dear. Anyway, what was your name again?
Every day is Caterday when you've been catatonic since last Wednesday.
I guess you could say I was the class clown: I wore a fuzzy wig, makeup & giant shoes while I murdered kids with a hammer during prom.
We're going to have a big beautiful dark age, perhaps darker than ever before. And I think you'll be very happy
my signature move is cursive. get it, cursive? i’m sorry, i don't have sex very often so i tell lame jokes on the internet
Wakka wakka!
Fozzie Bear is the only Muppet I'm remotely attracted to but I swore off dating other comics after my 3rd open mic so I guess what I'm saying is I'll never have muppet babies
My sleep paralysis demon is the singer from Finger Eleven. He is definitely struck by me. I'm just struck by his lack of boundaries.
Don’t worry, the story of our doomed relationship was just the prologue. The real story is still being written, long after you faded into a phantom of yourself.
There's nothing I love more than advertisements, except for the deliciously diabolical taste of new Pepsi 666. It's not just a refreshing soft drink. It's a binding contract. The dark lord welcomes you.
honestly, a horse is a poor choice for crossing a desert, named or not. hadn't this guy heard of camels?
The spelling of bukkake is too cumplicated.
When life opens a door, you chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?" I bet
I’m fluent in blurting out song lyrics that relate to the situation.
