sometimes I post things and then immediately realize that I am exactly who they make those "consider bringing a burner phone when travelling to the US" warnings for
Actor/comedian/writer. Words in The Beaverton, CBC Comedy, McSweeney’s, etc. Pierre Poilievre's personal assistant Mandy. she/her clareblackwood@gmail.com https://buymeacoffee.com/clareblackwood
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sometimes I post things and then immediately realize that I am exactly who they make those "consider bringing a burner phone when travelling to the US" warnings for
Hahaha, so glad to know the Beav Squad is on point
i do not apologize
Trump is half an hour late to his super special announcement and I think it's because they're having a difficult time squeezing JD Vance inside of his deceased skinsuit like Vincent D'Onofrio in Men in Black
I'd say it doesn't make me feel any better (because hell, I couldn't afford a small apartment in Toronto nowadays lol) but it does make me more mad!! 😂
mmm we love it don't we folks
it was! they made renovations we didn't know about three years ago and a few months ago were like "surprise, you owe us extra rent for the last 36 months ha ha"
oh no, we had a whole landlord tenant board hearing about it. it's very legal.
perfect.
given those options I'd go with theatrical maniac who also runs a podcast about crystals
this post has been sponsored by my rent going up and me having to pay back rent for the last three years due to building repairs at the same time today 🌞❤️ i'm thinking my secret lair will be under a shoppers drug mart
With your beard and weapons training you could sell those $5000 Masculinity Classes To Make You A Real Man where you just shock guys and make them swim through mud
the fact that I have paid more than enough collective rent in toronto to afford a down payment on a house here, yet a bank would never approve me for one, really throws into perspective how much I need to just take up villainy
Pepperidge Farm remembers when the Blue Jays weren't being actively sabotaged by their own bullpen
Every time I read something like this I am reminded of how easy it would be for me to become a right-wing grifter and make a lot of money saying things like "Mayonnaise is the last bastion of white freedom, hold the line, boys ✊🏻" but I don't, because my brain hasn't been eaten by moths
Your guy, too. You've got yourselves a damn good team. 😊
ugh, SO exhausting
Fully agreed. Nothing I hate more than wonderful starts ruined by the BP.
I hope it was good crypto advice haha
Oh shit I'm sorry
Thank you! That's so kind! While SNL sounds like a great and terrifying time, you are right, I'd prefer to stay north for now. :)
I'm honestly flattered that my newest impersonator thinks that my followers will read this message and think, "You know, Clare DOES seem like the type of person to know a lot about banking systems"
Oh yeah, that man is effective as hell.
I dunno man, almost entire bullpen has been really struggling after being one of the best in the league before the All Star game. It's just disappointing and I hope they figure it out soon!
Yeah, another unfortunately Hoff attack. It's really sad. They've all been superstars in their own right throughout their respective seasons and it sucks to see this collective meltdown.
Today's Blue Jays game ended so badly, but I'm looking on the bright side and cherishing the fact that my main man Gausman ate the best team in baseball for breakfast for seven innings straight. #BlueJays #LightsUpLetsGo
I want to see Trump forced to go on Kimmel's #MeanTweets and read all the posts celebrating him being fake dead, that would be nice
I'm sporty, I would do my best
I know I can't have kids because I'll hear anecdotes from parents being like "My five year old started screaming because I gave him mac and cheese when he wanted cheese and mac, haha" and instead of laughing I truly believe I would punt the toddler across the room
Oh no, he recognized it! He was very nice! It's just the delightful people of Bluesky who apparently do not. 😂
okay okay how about he falls through the roof onto the partially constructed floor of his terrible terrible ballroom
everyone is theorizing that Trump is secretly dead but what if he just wandered onto the White House roof again and got stuck
She's everywhere!
I'm so sorry you had to find out like this
Honestly someone said it in a post but tbh I don't care to reply and don't want people piling on them.
You make ONE fun post about someone recognizing you for an absurd satirical character you play on YouTube and suddenly you're being compared to Hitler's wife, so I think I've earned the right to tell you all to check out my Pierre Poilievre's Personal Assistant videos! youtube.com/playlist?lis...
I really didn't think I had to be less subtle with her, but APPARENTLY I was incorrect
Absolutely not
Oh no, people think I'm his actual assistant and I've officially been compared to Eva Braun, so that's new and fun
May the Lord open (a hole in the earth to return Danielle Smith from whence she came) www.cbc.ca/news/canada/...
Everyone is apparently leaving SNL, which makes it a perfect time for me to join and pitch my series of sketches called "Pedro Pascal hosts and hangs out with Clare a bunch and maybe they kiss a lil bit but only if he's cool with it"
Look how happy and comfy he is 😍
Probably the chorus!
Creep sets a high bar. You can't walk up to the plate with that playing. You've got to, like, slither on your stomach like a snake or something
I haven't, but my dad promptly showed me clips! This new version was an absolute delight. So smart and stupid and fun. Love me a good sight gag and this thing has approximately 2000 of them
One day his real personal assistant is gonna come for me and we're gonna rumble
Exactly as stupid and silly and fun as could be
I was like oh NO, yes, yes I am, oh no
someone tell my high school teachers I finally made it in this world
I'm in my small hometown today and my parents and I went to see The Naked Gun in our little movie theatre, and while I was waiting in line for popcorn a nice man behind me asked, "Are you Pierre Poilievre's Assistant?" and let me tell you I have never felt so famous in my LIFE
Please know that your delivery of "Alejandro Kirk" makes my day and I'm saying it along with you every single time 😊
Heck yes, you chose the right season to do it too, they've been killing it :)
@ grok is this true
I'm obsessed with this. 😍
Do you do all the player announcements every time they come up to bat?
Omg!! So cool!! I've always wondered what it's like to be up there. What a fun job 😍
BUT.
Ooooh love it!
Ahh really? I love it, she's everywhere
For years on my softball team it was Weird Al's "White and Nerdy" but I've recently changed it to my go-to karaoke song Dog Days Are Over by Florence, so...either one, really!
Hell yesssss I love that so much
I think they've had walkup songs since the 70s!
Watching George consistently run the bases like he is being chased by angry bears has been a true highlight of this season for me
I genuinely can't express how much joy it brings me to watch Davis Schneider, a moustache-sporting, buff-as-hell athlete in a sport where fans regularly throw tantrums over Pride nights, walk up the plate to Chappell Roan's Pink Pony Club. I think it's important. What a dude.
Hahaha the two sides of the Jays fan coin 😂
Yessss you're welcome, so glad!!
It's FINE everything is FINE
Yesssss can't wait
Davis Schneider you moustachioed homer-hitting PRINCE
Running the risk of seeming hyperbolic here, but Blue Jays baseball might just be the best and worst thing for my blood pressure ever invented. What a goddamn GAME. That is my favorite kind of baseball. Ahhhhhhh
FUCKIN BANGER
Yes! Can't wait!
Legend has it that if you chant "Our bullpen is good actually" three times in a Rogers Centre bathroom mirror, Jeff Hoffman appears and strikes out the side
my cat can't have food right now because of x-rays, and from the way he's staring at me from beside his empty bowl, you'd think every single villain ever created was inspired by me
Yeah, I've been a big fan because when he's on he's untouchable but sometimes he just friggin biffs it and we can't afford that
The Blue Jays' bullpen needs to figure its shit out before I retract all the nice things I've said about them
so jealous of cats. imagine wanting affection and just getting to headbutt someone for it
Yessss, love it
Thank you for your service.
we do not publicly shame cybertruck owners enough
I've only ever done 5/10s and swore I'd never do more, but somehow ended up here lolol
Yooo I said that exact thing too! And here we are, so never count yourself out!
Fuck yeah
I don't know what any of those letters mean but I assume they're about running, so good luck!
Remember to buy my supplements
Omg everyone makes fun of these shorts
I am foolishly running a half marathon in under two months and after only three runs in the last two months I am back up to being able to run for an hour straight, and I was gonna make a joke but I'm actually pretty proud of myself! The joke is how I put off training until now! Behold the fool!
As someone whose cat is most likely half Norwegian, go forth and prosper
Looooool
They're sneaky!!
FAB game
I have two bobbleheads and wanted exactly zero of them lol
He's so friggin awesome and we have him
Bought a last-minute ticket to see our very own future Hall-of-Famer Max Scherzer pitch, because life is short and thumbs gotta fall off eventually
It's true. When I went to the theater last week I found a lesbian under my seat who forced me to explain what intersectional feminism was before I was allowed to watch the movie