I always write the date on HVAC filters when I change them. I also write "If you're reading this, it means I'm gone..."
It's just jokes https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:vukmt5ibip7vl3a3ll4d37hb/feed/aaakqjbhan7bm
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I always write the date on HVAC filters when I change them. I also write "If you're reading this, it means I'm gone..."
Christ on a cracker? But Christ IS the cracker
In the Wild West, there was no one wilder than Wild Bob Wildson. Even Wild Bill Hickock was known to comment "Wow, that is one wild motherfucker"
Me: what is it with all these questions, are you a cop or something? My bride: Father Timothy is not a cop, just say "I do" like we practiced
I emerge from the time machine and see my teenaged self. “Wow,” she says. “You’re me...but, like, old.” “Yeah,” I tell her. “Are you here to let me know it gets better?” she asks. “What? God no—it gets SO much worse. I just came for my last few gulpfuls of clean air.”
What a nice compliment
My friend says I am not allowed a spare key to their house because I would "give it to a crow or something"
No one knows what happens beyond the event horizon, but scientists are increasingly convinced that it is very sticky in there
Maybe black holes aren’t cannibals that “eat” each other, but rather polyamorous lovers who merge with multiple partners, ever-expanding their giant love fest into a larger and larger solar mass orgy.
[Jumping roundhouse kick] I plead "crazy for Swayze" your honour [Judge covering mic, murmuring to stenographer] Am I still allowed to give The Chair
Melania furiously throwing shit out the windows when she hears that he survived and is on his way back
Same
[public bathroom] ME (calling into a stall): doing okay sweetie? 6YO NIECE: yeah it’s a good poop ME: what makes it a good poop 6YO NIECE: it didn’t happen in my pants
Stop changing your profile picture. Choose one and stick with it for 25 years like a normal person
Me: i'll have a Dr.Pepper Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok? Me: is he a doctor?
Skewering a banana on two corn holders and eating around the cob
my superpower is using every tool in the kitchen to make a recipe with "one-pot" in the title
Regular Sunday: ugh tomorrow is Monday. Holiday Monday Sunday: I am immortal. Nothing can hurt me.
I finally sat down and realized i left my coffee downstairs this is bullshit this is fucking communis
I have been laughing at this joke all day. 🦉
This is some of the hardest shit I've seen in my life
oh damn, my neighbor of 9 years on this street is moving out. should i go introduce myself
The Phantom of the Opera sets everything on fire and cries but when I do it, I’m “overemotional” and facing prison Fuck the patriarchy
my favorite exercise is the bench press because i just like really love lying down
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me. “Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
*gently to my cat*: you cant be a little fucker. You have to be good. No more being a little fucker. *My cat, purring*: the Being a Fucker hour draws near
*annoying my brother by calling his half marathon "half of a marathon"*
Hipster cops wear corduroy bulletproof vests.
I recently confirmed bulletproof coffee is not in fact bulletproof.
It’s so weird how we can post while we’re completely naked and no one even knows. Not me though, I’m wearing socks.
When I say "powered by AI", I mean it is powered by me, An Idiot
Making an alt called replyraterbot then saying "replyraterbot rate this reply" then switching accounts and saying "garbage"
No one is less confused than a woman in a disagreement who says “I guess I’m just a little confused” btw. RUN
I can’t help but feel I selected “Nightmare” instead of “Normal” before starting this simulation.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It's getting pretty late, I should probably head out
bjork, describing a horse: this creature is called a Horse. she has many legs. i do not like how she speaks to me
Our car is available for just $20,000! If you enjoy being a comfortable temperature, try our ComfyChoice subscription service, $20/month *heat and AC only available with ComfyChoice Like being places on time? Try the SpeedDemon package, $100/month, where we let the car go above 25!
The sexual tension between me and this last piece of cheesecake is palpable
The last words I utter in this life will almost certainly be "relax, I know what I'm doing"
Narrator: he ate the whole thing
[an update is ready] microsoft teams: wait until 1 minute before a meeting
"Yes, I'd love to get coffee with you! What time would you like to meet up?" Secret time cop: A normal, linear one
No I don't want to "put some in the fridge," these are my emotional support six different drinks.
me: i can do anything i put my mind to my brain: i beg your pardon?
Unclenching your jaw is great and all, but have you ever unknit your brow? Amazing.
If your fellow passenger moves their seat back, you can give them a gentle kiss on the forehead to express your appreciation.
cop: describe the man who stabbed you me: okay so first off he does not like knock knock jokes
Sorry I snuck into your house while you were sleeping and hung a rainbow picture I drew for you on your fridge.
I put on my mom jeans just like everyone else: while screaming at my children and posting on facebook about how blessed I am
What wine pairs with Wendy’s Baconator?
using ancestry.com as my dating app so I can research potential mother-in-laws
my dad once installed a porch light that was so bright all we had to tell pizza delivery guys it was the "house with the light" and they would find it
“Smokeshow” is such a funny term because it’s super horny but not at all sensual. It’s like damn that lady is so hot she literally sublimated and is now gaseous.
(me at an orgy) Does anyone have any Grey Poupon?
"Paddington" "Paddington 2" "Paddington in Peru" "Paddington 4: The Legend of Curly's Gold" "Pad 5" "Paddin6ton" "Paddington VII: The Voyage Home" "Paddington vs. Jason"
That's super cool, I like his Edge Of Seventeen remix
[Second day as a Kamikaze pilot] Boss: Can I see you in my office for a second, Bryn?
Ask yourself, “do I enjoy being called ‘cringe’ and ‘unc’ by people I support financially?” If the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you
ME, wearing dinosaur head: RAAAWWRR I’M GONNA EAT YOUUU 4-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW: um wait that dinosaur is an herbivore
fuck off apple, my volume level is none of your goddamn business
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent
I’m sorry Ms. Jackson (oooh) I am
Being an adult means you just don’t care if there’s a monster under your bed anymore.
guess I’m at the age where sometimes I just black out and then wake up having bought a shitload of 3-wick candles in festive seasonal fragrances
Do you answer every knock with “Come” like you're Captain Jean-Luc Picard or are you normal?
What I'm looking for in the 2028 primary is someone who will put Stephen Miller and Kristi Noem in jail, and so far, that's Pritzker
LeBron James is french for "the bra is on james"
What do you call this? A) turn signal B) indicator C) blinker D) idk I drive a BMW
You’re in America. Rate the following on how many rights each is afforded: Companies as people Actually people American flag Guns Women
was just told by a doctor that I need to "limit and reduce stress" in my life but then he refused to put me in a medically induced coma -- pick a side, man
But...but *you're* the mayor right now
Now is the Tuesday of our discontent
If you need me I'll be driving through Amish country yelling out dad jokes since they can't follow me on here.
When the aircraft taxis for a really long time dads love saying welp I guess we're driving there
If I’ve learned anything it’s that most of us haven’t learned anything
I've just invented a new kind of pillow that's cold on both sides. There are also several live eels inside it. "Couldn't you make a version without the eels?" Yes but I won't
I think the Cracker Barrel logo should be a guy in his underwear eating biscuits and gravy with his hands.
My dog knows more English words than I know dog words
rise and shine!!!
I have a strong suspicion that the inventor of chess never saw a horse move in his whole damn life.
My daughter sang dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me in her PreK talent show and I apologized for it but I wasn’t really sorry.
posting in a tank top. suns out, dumbs out
If your hat isn't strategically dipped below one eye, what are you even doing on this pretend yacht?
Me: *browsing instagram* *a bat lands on my phone* Me: no why *bat typing “how to enhance leaf shaped nose”*
I have to brag about this peach tart I made because usually my desserts taste great but look like someone stepped on them
RoboCop: *about to arrest me* Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them RoboCop: i’m going to let you off with a warning
JACK: i'm telling you there's water up there JILL: is this really the hill you want to die on
If you think you’re your own worst critic, have kids
reskeet with a tweet you still think about
Yet another person has died "surrounded by his family' and people still ask me why I don't visit mine.
Paramedic: keep applying pressure Parenting Coach: but also say how proud you are
Dentist: *screaming* Gift-horse: “I fuckin’ warned you, man”
now we’re getting somewhere
Renting out The Sphere for my friends and family during my colonoscopy.
7:30am: egg white omelette with mushrooms 10am: apple 12pm: cut up fruit with yogurt 3pm: banana 6pm: grilled chicken with salad (light dressing) 8pm: frozen yogurt 830pm: 2 cookies 845pm: 4 cookies 850pm: 8 cookies 9pm: bag of Doritos 930pm: Big Mac and fries
That’s too many meats, Arby’s… you gotta stop, man y-you gotta stop
I go on long runs on Saturday mornings so I eat a ton of food on Friday nights. Just between us, on the Saturdays I don't plan on running, I still eat a ton of food on Friday nights.