Waking up is just respawning in the same map with worse stats.
I’m here to escape from reality Feeder: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:piswk46uuf4lsb2ms7lu2b76/feed/aaaihct52zljg
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Waking up is just respawning in the same map with worse stats.
Every birthday candle is technically just me spitting on dessert while everyone cheers.
When the fridge makes that loud humming noise, I like to think it’s sighing about how hard my life choices have been.
Imagine how long history classes will be in 100 years
Every mirror in my house is technically a live stream of me.
A stray shopping cart drifted across the parking lot. Everyone watched it like a shark fin. Nobody stopped it.
Local store has Christmas pudding for sale
A man dropped his sandwich in the park. Five pigeons landed like a SWAT team. He walked away, and they ate like kings at his funeral.
Two pigeons were fighting over a french fry. Neither won. The fry just disintegrated, and both looked embarrassed.
Please. Leave some beauty for the rest of us to share.
The bass in the car beside me is so loud I can feel his loneliness
If you try hard enough, every water fountain is a bidet.
Bus stops are just outdoor waiting rooms with no magazines.
As a child, we didn’t have “good china,” we had “don’t touch those scissors, they’re for fabric only.”
Imagine being the first guy to accidentally yawn. Whole village probably thought his soul was escaping.
Call me old fashioned but I think people should go back to dying of dysentery instead of texting me “k.”
I draw my eyebrows like Groucho Marx so people know I’m dtf
thank you for your feedback 30 internet strangers i hadn't considered the less funny version of my joke
Every family had a grocery bag full of grocery bags, like a Russian nesting doll made of plastic.
Sometimes I wonder if my soulmate has already blocked me on here.
WAITER: what else can i get you ME: nothing thanks WAITER: okay I’ll get the check ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Imagine being the first caveman to sneeze. Everyone else probably thought he invented thunder.
“Someday I’ll show my teen a video they haven’t already seen before,” I whisper into my morning coffee.
when you post into the void, the void sends reply guys
The first person to laugh at their own joke was basically inventing the live studio audience.
Every “once in a lifetime” event seems to happen weekly now. My lifetime is exhausted.
My parents never hit me. They just shook their heads like they were trying to erase me from memory.
My toxic trait is thinking I’d thrive in prison because I once built a blanket fort that had rules.
I respect people who jog at 6am. Not enough to join them, but enough to whisper “good luck, soldier” from bed.
If procrastination burned calories I’d be a fitness influencer by now.
Buying vitamins at 50 feels like paying ransom for a body that keeps trying to leave.
Him: Well, if you ask me- Me: Let me stop you right there.
Every public bathroom hand dryer feels like it’s blowing disease directly into your soul.
Every family reunion is the same: potato salad, bad jokes, and someone crying in the driveway about the will.
Sorry I fell asleep for 2 hours. It was a napcident.
Me in my 20s (with the body of a porn star): omg I’m so fat and ugly Me in my 50s (with the body of an elderly rhino): I AM THE HOTTEST PIECE OF ASS TO WALK THE EARTH
Every movie becomes a horror movie when you watch it with someone who pauses every two minutes to ask, ‘Wait, who’s that?’
My new smart fridge dispenses ice, water, and unsolicited opinions about my dating life.
The teabag string fell in and I stared into the mug like I’d just watched a ship sink with my ancestors on board.
Everyone on Bluesky is poised like we're waiting for the DVD logo to hit the corner of the screen
Buttholes are like snowflakes: unique, delicate, and if you’re lucky one might even land on your tongue when you stick it out.
Reasons to Stay Home This Weekend: 1. men in sleeveless T-shirts
The best part of social media is creating whoever you want to be. Today I’m a porcupine. Ten years ago, a porcupine.
Forgetting your reusable bag doesn’t make you forgetful. It makes you a war criminal in the eyes of the checkout clerk.
Drinking decaf coffee is just doing cosplay as a functional adult.
I admire your lack of self respect, people who sing happy birthday in restaurants
Every “Reply All” email is basically yelling “FIRE” in a crowded theater.
Putting ketchup on steak is basically emailing France a bomb threat.
Almost half of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Keep your filthy agenda off of my beautiful posts
Every toilet plunger has a backstory and you’re too afraid to hear it.
People ask what I do for a living. I say, ‘Disappoint.’ Then we both nod.
Put metal in the microwave and it’s not sparks, it’s the machine trying to send a distress flare to its robot cousins.
Dogs don’t care about inflation. They just want belly rubs and for you to stop crying at 2 a.m.
We do not make fun of the way other people look! Especially the ugly ones
My idea of flirting is accidentally liking your post from last year and then deactivating my account.
Forget my AirPods at home and now I’m forced to live like my ancestors: raw-dogging thoughts with no soundtrack.
Not using your turn signal doesn’t just annoy people, it rewrites the butterfly effect so Genghis Khan suddenly invents rollerblades.
Nothing could have prepared me for the joy of having the exact right size container for some leftovers
Give a man a fish he feeds for a day, teach a man to find the clit and she'll feed him for a lifetime
Couldn’t think of the word for kale so I ordered a “plate of green sadness” and they knew exactly what to bring.
I put on my mom jeans just like everyone else: while screaming at my children and posting on facebook about how blessed I am
Said yes to the hot sauce at the Mexican taco stand. Now I’m sweating through my soul and Googling if tongues can actually dissolve.
What do people with read receipts turned on want from us
Dogs don’t understand time. You left for 5 minutes, they act like you survived a war. Humans could never love like that.
Nostalgia is thinking about Blockbuster and realizing we willingly drove somewhere to rent one DVD, then got fined like war criminals for returning it late.
Was late to work because I saw a pelican and needed to emotionally process that.
blaming my credit score for my lack of empathy
Lines. It takes two to tangent.
when you say no and someone is like but what if you said yeah instead
HR: we’ve had some complaints about your Gollum impersonations, they’re disruptive and quite frankly, terrible Me: *falls to the floor* it burns us, it burns us HR: …
i put on pants just like everyone else: when someone knocks on the front door.
Sorry your boyfriend thinks the clitoris is the chamber in which a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly.
[sea world] TOUR GUIDE: a shark can grow up to 8 feet OCTOPUS: what the fuck
MAMA Be quiet Freddie JUST KILLED A MAN As your lawyer I- PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD Just- PULLED THE TRIGGER- We plead guilty, Your Honor
America won’t ban guns because men need something to hold when their wives stop touching them.
the five stages of waking up: 1) nope 2) hello no 3) fuck that 4) ugh 5) where’s the coffee
[cat training class] INSTRUCTOR: open your textbooks to chapter 3 and then slowly push the book off the desk
Sleep in your 40’s is either 20 minutes or 9 hours, but you always wake up feeling like you were mugged by God.
it's not that you're unlovable it's just you're no calzone don't take it personally
Forrest Gump open-world RPG
Took a naked toilet selfie and added it to my LinkedIn with the tagline “results-driven thought leader.”
Sleep isn’t rest. It’s nightly improv theater starring people I haven’t seen since middle school.
Elevators aren’t rides. They’re short, silent auditions where everyone pretends not to exist.
The ocean isn’t peaceful. It’s 40% water, 60% “what just touched my leg.”
Neither shitposter nor hitposter but a secret absurd thing (fortune pierogi)
I may be old but at least I’m miserable.
Who called it arson and not crime brulee?
Who ever said “Don’t cry over spilled milk” has never knocked over a $7 oat milk latte on their one clean shirt.
I brush my teeth before the dentist like I studied for a test I already failed.
phone autocorrected top gun to too fun, which is sassy enough to rise to the occasion of mirroring the homoerotic nature of the volleyball scene in the movie
Turning the pillow to the cold side counts as therapy.
Carol Zombie: Marge! You look great! Are you dieting? Marge Zombie: No. It’s my damn allergies. Every time I sneeze, I lose 5lbs in body parts.
If you think you’re your own worst critic, have kids
I use jazz hands to soften the blow of my insults.
If more people would quote post we could get rid of global warming and feed all the children
My toxic trait is thinking i’d thrive in a post-apocalyptic world when I panic if my blanket isn’t tucked right.
Politics in 2025 feels like arguing on a sinking cruise ship while the band keeps playing and someone’s still at the buffet yelling about radioactive shrimp.
JEFF: I love Def Leppard. GEOFF: It's Deof Leoppard.