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Professional Procrastinating Introvert Recovering addict New Posts https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:nt2ee4i355er6jdyv3wpomef/feed/aaaaq5yncb67a Best Posts https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:nt2ee4i355er6jdyv3wpomef/feed/aaagy2zlggk6i
12,989 followers 733 following 19,498 posts
view profile on Bluesky
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Some days I feel like I could talk forever and some days I don’t want to talk at all.
Every time I press reset password another brain cell gets its wings.
The one doing the tromboning is called a tromboner, and the other one is the tromboné
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[public bathroom] ME (calling into a stall): doing okay sweetie? 6YO NIECE: yeah it’s a good poop ME: what makes it a good poop 6YO NIECE: it didn’t happen in my pants
That's kinda what it is now
every skircle feels like a report card and i get an f in participation
I said I was into resting. Not interesting
i love the unmistakable sound of a skateboard going down the street
discover tab? i already know 'er tab! THE ARISTOCRATS
brb i gotta stand in the shower until all the sin is gone
🫶 get well soon
every time someone publicly shits on bsky, Alf's hog only becomes more powerful
I feel like the old woman who swallowed a fly was probably just attention seeking
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did you know you can crush eggshells to make plant food or that you can set yourself on fire
Damn. 🫂
You want a pep talk? You either die of stupidity or live with it
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take your meds, drink your water, and unclench your butthole.
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#poetry
my heart is a dumpster for your fire
WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking? ME: When a squirrel says he needs to bust a nut, does he mean he's hungry or horny HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'.
I'm working on Labor Day in recognition of those who are unable to work. The fact that I was forced to work is just an aside.
When you have to understand a whole fictional universe so you watch all the movies and spinoffs and vs predators and check their profile for rare selfies that mostly come at night, mostly
Not all know the difference between a shit and the shit.
Thanks ritto!
Here are some more betterer skeetsmiths....shitposters if you will.
Pro tip: Be very mindful and deliberate whilst eating a peanut butter sandwich when you are alone, lest it be the last thing you ever eat. However, if you do have one while alone, at least make it with crunchy peanut butter so the people who find your body will know you had good sense.
not a psychopath or a sociopath but a secret 3rd thing . a fucken bitch. hi!
How many hashtags do I need in my bio to join the resistance?
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open.spotify.com/track/5krhWY...
You ever listen to music that’s so good it makes your nips hard?
This not being a daily troublemaker is exhausting.
Stop changing your profile picture. Choose one and stick with it for 25 years like a normal person
Happy Labor Day to all the mother's who celebrate.
August was a year of a month.
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Blocking me will give you post-nut clarity
Ok, but I'm still gonna eat them after you die
Yw 🫂
Alanis pronunciation of theater
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You're entitled to your opinion
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giuliani is gonna sue the hell out of whoever painted a tunnel on that brick wall
Sleep Number salespeople are not as patient as they should be. Just a fyi for fellow out of the box thinkers.
Skipped my bedtime Advil if you’re into bad girls who flirt with danger.
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Ah yes, it’s that time of the week when my phone insults me with my screen time like I don’t already know I’m a lazy piece of shit
Iykyk
A problem should go away after repeating the word.. Fuck 3 times.
Coffee because patience takes time.
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Our lives are little gardens. In between seasons, it can be lonely, but then new wonderful people and opportunities begin to sprout and fill the empty spaces.
Fine, I'll be there in 10
To a climax?
everything destroys you in the end, the trick is to savor the good parts and hold on as long as you can
No one will say anything if you get an empty theater
The child-sized rings on these cupcakes are too big for my fingers but that doesn’t mean I’m not a grownup you poopyhead
Sometimes I forget how much this friend sucks and talk to them again but they quickly remind me
That might help your odds 🤷♂️
Maintaining eye contact while doing kegels
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Flick the bean
thank you, for everything my dog:
I hope you get finger blasted in the back of the theater
thank you for your feedback 30 internet strangers i hadn't considered the less funny version of my joke
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. ~ Probably how the first circle jerk started.
Cool, keep me updated on the progress
As soon as I can finally breathe out of my left nostril again it’s curtains for all of my enemies and everyone who dared to mock my nasal whistle the other day. And before anyone asks this was said in my normal bad ass voice. Not a weird plugged nose voice I’ve never had that ever.
Welcome to Instagag. Please take a tounge depressor
I had to tell myself dad jokes since my dad is a dead beat
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keep all my homies’ info in a brolladex
hate the word "moist"? let me introduce you to "cloacal discharge"
What else is on that thing? Psychopath
I think by saying "don't do it" you are displaying a distinct lack of empathy for my deep-seated desire to be a complete piece of shit.
You're right. Fuck. I'm sorry.
Just out here trying to get through life with both a praise kink and an aversion to praise.
Just remember, the goal is to die a little every day, not all at once.
🎶boom boom
let's unplug, baby
🤣🤣 You'll never know for sure
reminder that karma is indeed a fickle twat, mind your garden and be kind
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Great! Asking for a friend of course. I would never
Sloppy
I own a small island in the Caribbean
Good to know
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