Acronyms are important, some you should know: QOTD - Quote of the day MOTD - Message of the day TWIT - This week in Trump
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Acronyms are important, some you should know: QOTD - Quote of the day MOTD - Message of the day TWIT - This week in Trump
I once took the pee out of a pirate. He was furious!
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
I'll take charges of mansplaining over this hill, but it needs to be said - DON'T GIVE YOUR BABY FORMULAS! They don't need to start Algebra until they have a solid understanding of Arabic numbers!
How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag? You take the s out of safe and the f out of way...
A guy has just assaulted me with a strawberry-flavored milk! How dairy!
Hey, wanna support me & not spend a dime? I wrote a joke book (ok, it’s an app). If ya got an Android, grab it and leave a review if it makes you chuckle. If yer one of those fruit people, tell someone more boring than you until I get an Apple version. play.google.com/store/apps/d...
Guys, when a gal changes in front of you, it means she likes you... or you've leveled up in the friend zone... . . . Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet...
I have sex with my wife almost every day! Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...
I was in a tornado recently. 'Twas such an awful kind. The wind felt so very strong and totally blew my mind.
My 6-year-old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill. Looks like she's preparing some kind of barbie queue.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
Justice is best served cold. Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Why can't you trust the Devil? Because he's evil with a capital D.
Know why a milking stool only has three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
A guy on a tractor just drove past me shouting, 'The end of the world is nigh!' It was Farmer Geddon.
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 13. The odds were against me, but I'm primed for it!
After my prostate examination, the doctor left, then the nurse came in and whispered three words that no man wants to hear... 'Who was that?'
Every time I make a chicken wrap, I feel so fowl-mouthed.
Is a nun having a baby inconceivable?
I call my kettle Jim Carrey. Because he brews-all-my-tea...
A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins. I said, 'Well, they were separated at birth.'
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I'm annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armor. I hate knight shifts.
It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive.
My wife left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card. Cost me an arm and a leg.
Learning Norwegian is an Oslo process.
Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.
A policeman stopped me and said he was looking for a man with one eye. I told him to use both, and he'd find him a lot quicker.
According to a recent study Hetero marriages have a 40-50% chance of ending in divorce Lesbians 24-28% Gay marriages 12-15% we can learn two things from this 1) men are not the problem 2) the key to a long lasting marriage Is blow jobs! Blame The Science & #DocAfterDark
Don’t forget to tip your server!
Parallel lines have so much in common! ...It's a shame they'll never meet each other.
My wife tried to beat me up with an old Elton John record... I'm still standing.
What do Universal Studios and Disney's Pinocchio have in common? They both have a cartoon woodpecker. #DocAfterDark
Scientists concluded that tsunamis occur because the ocean is mad that no one ever waves back.
Where can you get vegan beef? From a vegetabull.
Finally, a board game where “take the House” isn’t a Monopoly move, though this one picks the wrong House on purpose. Yes, someone made a January 6 board game. docatcdi.substack.com/p/game-night...
Carpenter ants are just like regular ants except rainy days and Mondays always get them down...
I once went on a date with a cross-eyed girl. It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
The Energizer Bunny just got arrested. They charged him with battery.
Next Friday my cousin is having a C-section. Her baby will be my first cousin... Once Removed...
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? He couldn't control his pupils.
A trucker called me on the CB today and asked what the date was. I said, '10/4, good buddy.'
Attempted to exercise this morning... . . . . . . . . . . . . didn't work out...
Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because Mrs. Claus told him he'd never get in the back door.
The robbers took everything from my house, but I'm most upset they took my mirror. I can't see myself without it.
Don’t forget to tip your server!
A guy cleaning out the closet of his late wife of 50 yrs. He finds a box with 3 eggs, $1K, & a note: Sorry, I was unfaithful. When I was, I put an egg in the box. He thought, 50 yrs, 3 eggs—not bad. He continued to read the note: Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them
its on the list, I'm doing the coding but to gain access to even be able to start testing is 100 bucks a year when it happens though you can count on me being obnoxious about it lol
Have you ever wondered about those people who pay a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards!
I’m stable. Emotionally? Who knows.
Hey, wanna support me & not spend a dime? I wrote a joke book (ok, it’s an app). If ya got an Android, grab it and leave a review if it makes you chuckle. If yer one of those fruit people, tell someone more boring than you until I get an Apple version. 👉 play.google.com/store/apps/d...
Why are pediatricians always so angry? They have very little patients.
You call it 'Possession of Marijuana.' I call it 'Joint Custody.'
docatcdi.substack.com/p/the-weight...
Someone just called me emotionless. I don't know how to feel about it.
Money does not buy happiness, but it's better to cry in a sports car than on a bicycle.
I'm never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon. They just take the money and run!
When I turned 18, my dad told me it was time to get a job. When I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me. Wow, I asked. Did you work in some big corporation? No! He said, I mowed the lawn in a cemetery.
What's sexually transmitted and has a 100% death rate? Life.
If a restaurant isn't sweet to its chefs, they might dessert.
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum. I told him that's... sound advice.
I don't think our kids fully appreciate the fact that we've never killed them. Not even once.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue with his pizza? He ate it before it was cool!
My brother always lies. Today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar. Yeah, like I'm falling for that.
Remember, no one can prove that you weren't a regional manager for Blockbuster, Radio Shack, or Toys'R'Us!
I told my doctor I have a problem with my right ear. He asked if I was sure. I said: yeah... I'm definite.
I asked the checkout girl for a date. She said: They're in the fruit aisle next to the bananas.
Why did the jalapeño break up with the bell pepper? It couldn't handle the heat!
I've washed my hands so many times over these past two years that I found cheat notes from a test I took in 1980...
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram.
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You can't wash your hands in a buffalo!
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icey dead people.
I had a fight with a man on some moving stairs today... It started at the bottom and just escalated from there.
I found the bell where the bridge’s stone foot kisses Jefferson, tucked into a light standard like a secret you only tell to metal. At first I figured boat business, a gull-dinner ding, polite as a waiter. docatcdi.substack.com/p/17-two-roo...
The Earth teases other planets. They have no life.
Did you know there's no official training for a garbage collector? They just pick it up as they go.
Cause and consequence clicked fast. Lansing announced surge inspections at ports of entry, a registry for “high-risk” lab work, and a task force padded with familiar résumés. The stance was tall; the plumbing was thin. docatcdi.substack.com/p/agroterror...
According to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD... I told her to close the door five times on her way out!
I asked my wife if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home from work. I think she regrets allowing me to name our kids.
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex-girlfriend, but I just couldn't say hello. There was just too much history between us.
Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight. That would cause mass confusion.
small brain.
Assuming there is an afterlife, what would you want buried with you so you could use it in the afterlife?
If you cross-breed a caribou and a peacock, do you get a peek-a-boo?
The origami boxing match was showing the other night. Shame though, as it was only on paper-view.
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator. I was wrong on so many levels.
An ear worm bit my ear today, And I am quite annoyed. I cannot shake it from my head, It is a memoroid.
Wouldn't it have been ironic if everyone went blind in the year 2020?
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference, but the one most afraid was Sir Render. Let's not forget the most resilient, Sir Vival, And the rotund Sir Cular, And the knight with the most electrifying personality, Sir Kit!