Current sitch in my little corner of the metropolis, after week three of the heatwave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpjX...
Current sitch in my little corner of the metropolis, after week three of the heatwave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpjX...
[painfully loud cymbal crash] *monkey flees the scene
track is...just killer pop. www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcR1...
Men in my fantasies happily accompany me on errands then cooks me dinner while I tidy the house šš„µ
I am watching Kung Pow, which may be the best movie of all time.
š¶ Anything you can do, I can do bleedingā¦ š¶ ~ me, at the gentlemenās club
I won't pose my symptoms as a question to myself, much less Google.
Gangsters be out there poppinā caps while Iām over here passing clots. COME AT ME BRO.
How did this go an hour without getting reposted? Shameful.
More like chief executive orifice amirite.
Whoah there, Buddy. Livin' life DANGEROUSLY! (stopping to buy homemade pickles out of somebody's rusty lawn cart parked next to the highway)
Kind of wish I had heard my neighbors chatting *before* I got naked in the backyard.
Writing a guide book called "Plants I Hate in Portland"
[my first day doing self affirmations] a dumpster fire is still hot
Spent way too long listening to the voices and it almost feels like Iām too old to go through with the deprogramming
Wearing a T-shirt with innuendo on it at the beach and everyone walking by laughing and slapping high-five would fix me.
*fishing a multivitamin gummy out of my sports bra* Yeah, you could say I'm into health and fitness.
Look... I'm not dissing it... I'm complicit.
according to my mother, mike nesmithās (of the monkees) mom invented white-out. do with this information what you will.
Vance visiting Trump at Walter Reed
Iāve just seen a picture of a bowl of tomatoes with 2k likes and I donāt know what Iām doing anymore.
I had a Labour Day joke but I couldnāt deliver it.
Someone told me she thought I was 35 max on Thursday and that's literally gotten me through the whole long weekend
idols indiana jones wasnāt expecting: thread
I just had some canned soup that's been expired since May. Oh don't worry, I took it out of the can first.
Happy Labour and Delivery Day to all those who celebrate.
watching Alien: Earth and thinking about deviled xenomorph eggs
Think itās time for some bean juice yall
Would never have made it to the war in Troy with all my āAaaaaaaaggghamemnonā jokes on the boat.
I still occasionally think of the wise advice my aunt gave me back when I was still in high school: "If you need the nicotine monkey on your back, then don't vape like a candy-ass; smoke cigarettes like a self-respecting dirtbag"
Big if true
Hawaiian Punch from a can tastes like a fruity metal can
I don't get brain farts. I get full-blown brain rectal prolapse
š¶Different colors, made of tears
One thing about me is I have no idea what I'm doing
The only way to save bluesky is to clap your hands
"potting soil!" he whispers dramatically to his apartment walls. He taps a finger against his temple, as if trying to get his brain to think better. "Who do I know, that might have some potting soil to spare!?"
rejuvenation nation. (If...you know what I mean ;)
"If you click it, more will come." -Algorightms
*patty duke show theme plays*
We are shopping for rugs for the living room. At the store, my spouse, āWhatās 130 inches minus 3 feetā My head exploded and now we are at the ER. She promised not mix her measures anymore.
I almost forgot I saw someone putting ketchup on salmon yesterday
September 1st. I stop shaving my legs now.
Motionless Picture: The Motion Picture
*record scratch*
Itās labor day and Iām still waiting to go into labor
ffs manuel
Itās so funny bc with these rising prices Iām just eating ācleanerā š Letās see how capitalism thrives when we can only afford the basics. We literally never needed Doritos, snicker bars, or 100 different soda flavors.
movie: (stab stab crash crash) ad: PAIN HITS FAST, TRY TYLENOL #HorrorWatch
stupid Kant
the cultural genocide continues apace I hate it
I was going to but then I reposed comfortably. A memoir
Good news, folks (who are inclined), the slutty Halloween costume ads have started, which means we are mere weeks away from the cosplayers following suit.
(For those that didnāt get the reference)
I came by taxi. It was driven by a Croatian cabby. He spoke broken English in grunts and mutters, but he had a lead foot and cut through traffic like butter. I saw the whole thing as he dropped me off outside.
Ruin my footwork.
Society was just destined to have a 50 something guy pulling out of the gym in a Nissan pickup with Misfits āDevilās Whorehouseā blaring through open windows, you canāt put it all on me.
The number of deals I made with myself to get to the gym on Labor Day.
I save face the old fashioned way. After putting the new one on, I save the old one in a baggie in the fridge to throw to the hounds later.
Walking by the feelings counter at the department store of life and getting aggressively spritzed with samples as the sales people shout names: Happy! Sad! Love! Anger! Giddy! Apathy (smells like nothing) Euphoria!...on and on until you stick your face in a bowl of coffee beans to clear your senses
Today's tshirt
Honestly this is not asking a lot. You should throw in a blanket tuck and locking the doors, you're worth it.
At first I was all happy, "well, millennial, HBO stands for Home Box Office," and then the weight of years crushed me.
Imagining a fake scenario where someone brings me delicious food for free and turns my t.v on for me. This is how I sleep at night.
I wear my skeleton all year, but starting tomorrow, it will be socially acceptable to pull out all my bones to share with friends. Spooky season is upon us.
Life is a buncha āyou firstā until we all fade away in our respective holes.
Air drop wonāt let me send my personal scent to you. But hereās a picture from my camera roll.
Iām wearing them.
Demonstrating rather efficiently that their holy water was just "best effort at prejudice" water.
A church group was performing baptisms at the boat ramp when we wanted to exit the lake with our kayaks. I was worried they wouldn't let us leave before we accepted Jesus as our lord and savior, luckily the steam hissing off of me when they threw the holy water at me made them back the fuck off.
Gin prevents both scurvy and COVID. No real research behind that but maybe if we're gonna lose vaccine coverage we can get free gin.
I admit I salivate a little whenever I get the duck treat for the dog.
The gin of interest: G&J Greenallās
watching Weekend at Bernieās for educational purposes
It calls me nightly but I refuse the high fructose corn syrup. If you put the cane sugar one in front of me I will not be able to resist.
Sending you my sweaty pit shirt so we can find out if itās real (it isnāt)
Maybe itās my destiny to knock menās teeth out with my awesome high kicks.
I ate two donuts and actually, yes, I do have regrets
My own lack of scientific research has led me to believe that cookies and ice cream are good for weight loss.
Juniper is a beautiful name for probably anything. That plant is lucky.
Move over chicken soup, Iāve got pine-sol for the soul (gin)
Grand Thrifting Adventure: San Andreas
Toe demons gettin kinda sassy, may have to bless up some holy vinegar and anoint some clippers.
Water: the skipped filler episode of drinks.
Out of the blue it was my teen son and his friend that wanted to go thrifting. And I ended up scoring the most. Level up, boys.
Jorkin to the Classics: Vivaldi
Fuck nudes, send me your try on haul. But like, donāt go off camera to change. Okay I guess SOME nudity but just briefly in between outfits. Okay yeah that was too complicated I shouldnāt post th
Can you feel Halloween approaching, or is it just my pumpkin spice toothpaste?
*seductively itemizes your faults*
Fukn Pinto!!! And Karma was feeling spicy for this unfortunate duo.
You know what they don't tell you about being a costumed vigilante: you're going to be marinating in your own juices in any temperature over 60 F/15 C
www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvH3...
Did you just fall from heaven because it looks like youāre in pain š
spelling hornet
I have decided with absolutely zero scientific research that gin and beer are good for muscle growth.
Iāve replied to 3 posts in 3 minutes I better stop that shit