Must be something about male Driving Instructors, mine was like that, so I changed to a Female instructor and she got me through my test first time
I'm a Singer-Songwriter, I write songs about sewing machines Doer of UxbridgeEnglishDictionary & One Liners
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Must be something about male Driving Instructors, mine was like that, so I changed to a Female instructor and she got me through my test first time
Oh! I don't know, it's not a complete pane
The 3 sharpest celebs are Sting, Spike Milligan and that prick, Pierce Morgan #LunchPun
Got into a heated row with my mate, and we settled it with our fists We had a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors #LunchPun #Humoursky
Have you read the Dickens novel about tiling Grout Expectations
#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Engineering-Petrol driven jewelry
When the Vikings next door wouldn’t turn their music down, I put in a Norse complaint. #LunchPun
My Geordie mate did his Family Tree and found out there's some Norse on his Mother's side His Aunt works in a hospital
Didn't do very well at last night's pub quiz Turns out I don't know a lot about Pubs
The quizmaster's been fatally stabbed in the middle of running the pub quiz and now everyone's demanding answers #LunchPun
Hello Mo, I hope you've had a good morning
Thank you
Every Friday I get out my Scrabble set And have a night on the tiles
I went out for a drink with Uri Geller once, what a bender that was!
Well they say it's the thought that counts
My Uncle is having a midlife crisis, and has started wearing clothes that are far too young for him I've told him he looks ridiculous in that school uniform #LunchPun #Humoursky
I'm not saying that the pub was rough where we went for quiz night, but the first question was, "what are you looking at?!"
Went to this pub that was so rough, even the windows had been Glassed
Went to this rough pub last night Someone threw a bag of Lego at me and said "Do you want to make something of it!?"
Wasn't Freddy Krueger in the films a child molester... just asking questions
Bought a packet of what I thought was pancake mix, turns out it wasn't I can't believe it's not batter
My doctor said I should get my stomach stapled. It’s amazing that even at 52 he still thinks I could be a centrefold.
That's very nice and welcoming of them
I switched on the wireless and people were discussing their most memorable bowel movements I'd tuned into Greatest Shits Radio
I switched on the wireless and heard two blokes discussing how fast their cars would go I'd tuned into Torque Radio
My mate had a spread in last month's copy of Hello magazine I wish he'd keep margarine in the fridge instead
There were two of them on Play School, one was big and one was little. Thanks for coming to my TED talk
One of the toy bears on Playschool was quite racist It was Little Ted but the other one that was Bigoted
My mate is having a midlife crisis and has started dating a girl half his age Trouble is he's only Thirty
A Nursing friend has turned fifty and she's unsure about remaining on the maternity ward She's having a Midwife crisis
People tell me I’m having a midlife crisis but I think they’re just jealous of my new motorbike.
I went drinking with a bunch of Cannibals By the end of the night I was legless
Geri Halliwell has aged a lot since the nineties
Personally I prefer to have tea in a cup
I once dated a Woman that was 36 24 36 She kept lying about her age
Sounds like Hyacinth Bucket would pronounce it
When the man that carries out capital punishment in Saudi Arabia retires, is there a hand-off to his replacement
An account of Tommy Robinson and his other other riot last summer. comedypilotpresents.buzzsprout.com/2380638/epis...
As long as you don't suggest Muppet Emanuel
I went on a Speed Dating Night It took ten seconds to find how old my antique vase was
My friend has been dating an older Woman Going by her age, it should be carbon dating
I've joined a dating site for people who really like fresh coffee At least I think that's what Grindr is
I once dated a woman with an hour glass figure which turned out to be really annoying because I had to turn her upside down every 60 minutes.
Someone once stole my identity But gave it straight back when realising what a shit life I have
#ASongOrMovieForLifestyles Celibate by Kool and the Gang
At first Doctor Frankenstein found it hard to make friends
Pedantic
I'm a member of the Incontinence Club I go all the time
I'm guessing a brown pair
Apparently people who like hammocks are Bisexual Because they swing both ways
Maybe they're just late contacting people,hope you get something. In a similar situation I was told there's plenty more fish in the sea So I worked on a trawler
I entered a competition to name a form of contraception But I pulled out at the last minute
I'm quite naive, when asked to choose a Safe Word I said Yale
Safe sex can be surprisingly risky, for example I ended up losing my job at the bank.
Trying on shirts in Burton's, my mate reckoned he'd look good in pink But he's got no chance of sleeping with her #LunchPun #Humoursky
Well the sex will probably be disappointing, but you do get to cuddle after
Shortest joke
When my Girlfriend told me she wanted to have sex dressed as a chameleon I said I wouldn't see her anymore
My book on anger management cost £50 I lost it
Or Sea Kelp
I'm learning to do an impression of a tortoise It's coming along slowly
A quick animal impression for you "Errr! You've got cum in my hair!!" That's a Sperm Wail
My idea for a Roman version of Sesame Street didn't work out They said it was confusing saying "Today's show is brought to you by the letter V, and the number V"
When I appeared on Sesame Street I got an Oscar
The easiest impersonation for beginners to learn is the vampire off Sesame Street and that’s because first impressions count.
I've just bought the autobiography of that man who sang 'Walk On The Wild Side' Lou Reed? No, I'll probably read it in bed #LunchPun
And don't forget to greet everyone in Essex Harlow!
If anyone ever asks you to be a town in Hertfordshire, Be Ware! #LunchPun
What, no Brownie
Just don't book into any motels
I thought I was being accosted by a charity mugger but it turned out to be an actual mugger. On the plus side in the long run that worked out cheaper.
I do not look like a Smurf and I’ve told people that until I’m blue in the face
I went to the fair and was offered £5 for a hand job,£10 for a blowjob,and full sex £30 It was a Hooker Duck Stall
I once dated a Girl who worked at the Fun Fair coconut and Hoopla stall She was Shy at first, but gave me a Ring
Fairground joke
Same here. Some of mine are so lame a vet would put them down
I've been trying to download that nineties tv show, but it keeps pausing Buffering the vampire slayer? Yes, It's taking ages
I used to think I was a vampire but on reflection I might not be.
I went to a Dracula themed restaurant They didn't do steaks
I've got a role in a new Dracula film, the main character sinks his teeth into my neck, so I'm not in it long It's a bit part
I asked in a shop how many people liked Dracula, 90% liked him and the rest called him a twat So that's 10% Dis Count
All weekend I’ve been getting message about the sad death of The Duchess of Kent, asking if I’ll be attending the funeral etc. For new followers this video explains why. Never make a mistake on a panel show.
#ImNotSuperhumanBut I have got a Spandex suit
#ImNotSuperhumanBut I still wear my pants on the outside
I suggested to my Girlfriend we try role playing in the bedroom But she'd rather have sex than play Dungeons and Dragons
#EggsAreNotFor Microwaving
Someone must have nicked some while we weren't looking
I'd like to question your knowledge of boreholes Well, what do you know?
I made a joke about a faulty elevator It didn't go down well
Buckets on ropes? I think they’d go down well.
I'll have to try that, though it may activate my brain trying to remember clockwise and anticlockwise
#LunchPun #sillysaturday I used to rent a fish to live in But now I've got my own plaice
Going to listen to it later but won't sneeze, at my age it'd be a hazard to my underwear
Lucky he's not old enough to shave, because he probably shouldn't be allowed near sharp things
Congratulations, looking forward to hearing it
Probably no mention of the Fauxrage takedown by Raskin when he was avoiding parliament and his constituency either
Apparently the gym at Hogwarts had a special entrance just for using a particular bit of equipment Dumbbell Door