Father in law needs help with some spam texts. @egglandsbestegg.bsky.social : Ok first open your texts FIL : what do you mean “open them”? 🤨
🌲 Lorax of Lunch 🏆 2018 Snappy of the Year 🏅2019 Super Fuzz Champ 🏆2022 Super Fuzz Participant 👑 96-time Fall Guys Champ 🥸 @EatingPiie’s sis & life coach 🫨 @egglandsbestegg’s wife & mentor 🧀 Toddler Parm’s mom & assistant
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Father in law needs help with some spam texts. @egglandsbestegg.bsky.social : Ok first open your texts FIL : what do you mean “open them”? 🤨
be the reason the townspeople brusquely shutter their windows as you ride into the village
My father in law is here. He told me that he went to his town’s new Target and couldn’t find the exit so he used his compass?
what do you guys do right after you finish your turn in bowling? like when you turn around.
the one trick mods don’t want you to know
QUALITY CONTROL TEAM 🚨😺🚨 #caturday
After careful consideration, I've decided to win the lottery.
Not even kidding
reading the court news and a guy I went to high school with was convicted of assault. his weapon of choice? the crock pot of course.
I told you this in confidence!!!!
If this pharmacy doesn’t get itself together, I’m gonna take MY business to COMCAST!!!!!!!!!!!
Lil Parm and Uncle Parm ( @eatingpiie.bsky.social ) today
I've just invented a new kind of pillow that's cold on both sides. There are also several live eels inside it. "Couldn't you make a version without the eels?" Yes but I won't
Trying to play "pancake restaurant" with Lil Parm today and he keeps kicking me out because the restaurant is closing but I paid and never got my pancakes. When I peek inside the tent he's just pretending to take naps? What kinda service is this?!
Lil Parm calls Ninja Turtles “Engine Turtles” so that’s what we all call them now
Fun fact about a co-worker I learned today…she was at THE Coldplay concert this summer.
Taylor, look at me. It’s dangerous out there. Take this.
Ya girl is TIRED
Lil Parm living his best life today
this is literally law roach to antonio virtually every episode of project runway
what now
Confused the blood guy and fellow waiting room occupants this morning with my lack of breakfast 🫠
Parent teacher night on Monday and I finished my classroom set up yesterday. Ready to….
I mean really though look at him! No neck, teeny little arms, you just know if he rolled over he’d never get upright again. Total loser! Thank you for your attention on this matter!!!!!!!!!!
the amount of time he spent today to make "banana chips"...😳
go ahead, listen to the FDA. OR?? become CAPTAIN CRUSTACEAN
I would also like to add the speed in which I was sending that message was EXTREME. I was very excited to see an alive porky pine
PAM! You are supposed to be my ride or die here
asked for a another sample at the bakery and overheard the clerk tell her colleague i should be put down
@eatingpiie.bsky.social for the plot?
One time In college, on a dare, I rubbed catnip all over my scalp before a hike in an area known to be populated with bobcats.
The Parmesan person at the restaurant really just needs to stand there and reapply every time I take a bite.
made a small typo in the family group text so obviously I’m cooked
Good morning
Get yourself a friend like Kelly
Smite away!
waking up from surgery, still half-looped, and seeing this guy walk past the door (AND WAVE) would change me in profound and possibly terrible ways
It was for the best, those things are scary and watch each other’s backs
They do not!! They grow them big here in Maine
Eyelids are sweating again
This remains a motivational account. You’re welcome 😎
I did not!
Today my son asked me to punch a seagull
They are for baking!!
@egglandsbestegg.bsky.social and @eatingpiie.bsky.social this evening
Nobody cares about my cake NOBODY
The crew and me on our way to see this guy tomorrow 😎
I MADE THIS
Actual footage of @egglandsbestegg.bsky.social and Kid Parm last night fighting over socks (or gold bars, as Kid Parm says).
well then I guess I'm not going!!!!!
If I forget a password I figure it's time to move on.
Hammerbarn: If you hit a flamingo you’ve gone too far
Kid Parm told me “I’m just chillin” when I asked him to eat his burger at the restaurant we were at because he said he was hungry and wanted to stop there.
My local pizza place just likes to toy with me
Hey! Parents! Your children are given six weeks off school each summer TO HELP WITH THE HARVEST so don’t let them give you any shit
There is literally nothing on this Earth my father in law loves more than to give increasingly detailed directions naming every street and intersection in his town.
💔
@egglandsbestegg.bsky.social listing off the Spice Girls for Kid Parm…. “Salt, Pepper, Cinnamon, Thyme, …. and Montreal Steak Rub”
I have had 2 snack wraps in the last 4 days. Both have been excellent, although sad because the chicken is different. Think on your sins, McDonalds.
Something No-Longer-Toddler Parm said recently when asked to put on his socks... “I wanna wear my toes right now” 🧐 Also, he is 4 now. 😭
Who is ready for some nonstop dino action?! 🙋♀️
Amatos could drastically improve their pazzo bread by simply cutting it once down the middle must I think of everything
My doctor said I’m so healthy I never have to come back
Merry Christmas, lizards
😂
Watching Love Island USA and one of the guys said "I'm a very personality-based person" and I've been thinking about it for half an hour
I think when you have a dentist appointment for a filling, the dentist should hide in the corner and stick you in the gums with the Novacaine the way Dexter does it to his victims in their neck.
By any reasonable measure the Geico gecko would be long dead
🫶🏼
Everyone needs to shut the hell up while I watch the final episode of Handmaid’s Tale
customer: your lightest roast please me as a barista: you look like the stupid guy in zombie movies who was bitten but is trying to keep it a secret
You walk up to the petting zoo and see this, wyd? 🔲 Act cool 🔲 Freak out 🔲 Shove one of our interns at it
imagine being the wife and finding out about this HERE one month too late! 
If you see this, I IMPLORE you to post a picture from whatever device you're using without explanation.
Wow, that's why they play music?
Final Destination but it’s just me walking around finding increasingly sinister objects that could make noise and wake up my sick toddler
“Are the cops gone?” “Yeah.” “Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
“hope you have a good day!” i assure you, i will not
too soon, Michaels
This Daredevil guy really likes cracking the bones of suspected bad guys
absolutely diabolical move from the final destination marketing team lmaooo
3.5 years later
Trump Vows To Reopen Joann Fabrics As Prison theonion.com/trump-v...
I am a 2nd grade teacher.
! @egglandsbestegg.bsky.social and @eatingpiie.bsky.social why do these guys look exactly like Sheldon and Daisy?!
Toddler Parm
Kid on my flight crying the whole time. Me? Zero minutes of crying. Kid gets brought to the cockpit to visit the pilot. Me? Expired SunChips. The injustice.
