Under-moob sweat is not for the faint-hearted.
Misanthropic Minon of the Mundane *Profile pic taken from the internet. No idea who the genius artist is! Let me know!
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Under-moob sweat is not for the faint-hearted.
I don’t know what is wrong with you but I like it. Keep up the weird work, my dude
Wait, we're not supposed to clean the inside of a microwave, right? Like, ever? That's not a thing, right? Okay, cool. Cool.
enshittification | noun | when a digital platform is made worse for users, in order to increase profits
Life is short. Never miss an opportunity to tell someone how much you love them. Don’t worry about their spouse
I've been awake since 2 AM, so I will have none of your tomfoolery, dagnabit!
sorry i missed your big announcement, are you still dead
PSA: How to pleasure a woman
I keep seeing people say they don't know shit about fuck, but I don't know fuck about shit either, so you see my conundrum.
(squelching sounds)
Dammit.
Very true!
So apparently, to absquatulate is to leave abruptly. So let me be the first to shorten it to squat. As in, "alright guys, I gotta squat." Wait.
Sending support to those of us coming off a long weekend and preparing to fit five days of work into four
So did Guyliner hit the trifecta yet? Kill off a Pope, a President, and the libido of over 70 % of the women of Earth?
his return was foretold
I just had some canned soup that's been expired since May. Oh don't worry, I took it out of the can first.
Oh, so THAT'S why he's known.
replacing Batman fight onomatopoeiae with old midwestern brewery names
I love a thrill... like when you hold down backspace and it starts erasing like 10x faster fuck
My wife left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
I love haunted houses but I would prefer to walk through one that didn’t try to bother me
Once again I am attacked on the internet
Once again I am attacked on the internet
Much like "crab", industrial music is constantly re-evolving from first principles basically anywhere where there's a bunch of metal and plastic laying about
Life is short and the hour of our death is a mystery, so no, I will not rate my transaction
Respectfully, CZJ as Morticia is crazy attractive. 🖤
Dearest the Applebee's, it's awesome that you offer Pepsi products! But in the Year of our Goat 2025, you must include Pepsi Zero Sugar, please, and thank you.
Was just in Walmart, and two wondrous things happened: they played TOO SHY by Kajagoogoo, and a lady was wearing a PornHub t-shirt. What a time to be alive.
Lazy old man still in bed, but getting up now. Thanks for following.
“Whoosagubboy?!?”
"From time to time, he spat strange, clucking words. A gibberish of utter hate!" - this book from the 1930s totally gets me
Ah, yes, TUMS, my midnight* snack of choice. *2:45 AM
Someone: how are you? Me: thanks, you too.
There is no angry way to say “nipples.”
Typos, amirite?
Ruin any book by adding "Tom Clancy's" to the title: TOM CLANCY'S THE SATANIC BIBLE
Hey, at least you're pretty good with some dip or Ranch or whatever. 👍🏼
Friday morning. If we can make it to 4:54 PM, let's go ahead and take a 3 day weekend. Please and thanks.
Me: I feel your pain. Baker: Please stop stroking the baguettes.
Why are other people still posting? It's pretty clear I've got this covered.
I have nothing against most white people. My girlfriend's a white people! But I find it kinda funny the way some of you say "but". BuUhtt.
👀
Condolences
If you recognize my profile pic, yes, I was a Garbage Pail Kid
Have you tried overthinking about it?
Look, I talk to myself. I sing by myself. I make little noises by myself. It may not be normal, but it's *my* normal.
I’ve given myself some time to calm down and now I’m furious
😁
Okay which one of you chucklefucks unplugged the internets! Plug it back in, gawd dammit!
Have you tried listening to CADENZA DIABLO by Joe Stump about it?
I put on my mom jeans just like everyone else: while screaming at my children and posting on facebook about how blessed I am
might have a little cry as a treat, right after i’m finished crying
Everything sucks. I should eat some unhealthy foodstuffs about it. - Me, every day.
Very cool that Taylor and Travis get to have sex soon. Congrats to them.
He said he can not heal that kind
Settle down, Picasso.
The live version of YYZ is calling out to you...
Good thing I wore pants today.
There are corporate visitors in our office today, and no sir, I don't like it.
never thought i’d get to a point where i would miss my existential dread but good lord palpable dread is so much worse
why go to therapy when you can trauma dump on a stranger’s post online and make it all about you for free
Make a movie mildly inappropriate: SCHINDLER'S CLIT (I'm sorry)
Familiar acronyms mean very different things here in the haunted woods: NFT = Nocturnal Forest Things AI = Angry Insects GPS = Ghosts Prefer Shadow FBI = Forgotten Bones Inside BTW = Belligerent Twig Witch GE = Ghosts Everywhere NASA = Never Ask Squirrels Anything
There was a customer at Publix with a shirt the exact green of their uniforms, so I called the cops.
Help! Wasn't somebody selling a Salem's Lot/ Cracker Barrel mash-up t shirt on blooski earlier?!
I always thought gyms were a mythical place, like Heaven or Vermont.
PLAY FREEBIRD
You are
Testament is thrash not death, but their singer Chuck Billy is on a metal Christmas compilation CD where he sings SILENT NIGHT, but with growling vocals. Odd.
Nothing reminds me about how much I hate people like being around people.
Lol, my best friend Clive just said the funniest thing, they said "you're 38 Tiffy, aren't you a bit to old to have a imaginary friend called Clive"
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
🤘🏼
Remember when Hyper Masculine Fuckwits opened for Slayer? 🤘🏼
instead of brass knuckles I wear eight mood rings
Settle down, Thanos
I’m gonna post this every day so nobody forgets exactly who Pedophile Trump is and why the Epstein files have suddenly disappeared.
OMG. This is so amazing. Wow. Thank you so much. 🥹🖤
My sweet handful Odin, who recently left me, far too soon.
Fuck the handbasket. We're going to hit the highway in comfort
Why is it called blissful ignorance and not comfortably dumb?
It’s always confusing when there’s space on a form at the vet for a pet’s last name because like do I put MY last name or do I put Von Scruffybutt III Esq
Dont ever talk to me or my son ever again
The Eucharist, but make it pumpkin spice.
All-Time banger! Don't deny it.
When my kid starts telling me about his favorite YouTuber
[sending a letter in 1870] 𝔦 𝔥𝔬𝔭𝔢 𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔰 𝔭𝔦𝔤𝔢𝔬𝔫 𝔣𝔦𝔫𝔡𝔰 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔴𝔢𝔩𝔩,
much like the tall, rugged palm trees that sway with the wind but never break, he hated dumb analogies
This is painfully accurate
I used to go on roller coasters.. now I get dizzy from clicking someone's tinyurl link
What if I came over and stared at you like this?
Remember when Murder Pants opened for Slayer? 🤘🏼
[half listening] omg that's crazy, your honor
THE INVENTOR OF SADNESS: what if I told you that you could have something that was weightless, yet so very heavy
daughter: I hate my name me: why, I named you after my favorite day of the week daughter: I HATE it me: now listen here Taco Tuesday Tanaka
Which sounds more professional 'kablammo or kablooey'? I wanna get this letter of resignation just right.