I’m a first class wind-up merchant. (Order your clockwork items from me online & I guarantee next-day delivery)
Navid in Still Game, Synthesiser Patel in Look Around You, Ramesh in @FagsMagsandBags and dynamite in a boob tube. Work enquires: MacCormick@Curtisbrown.co.uk
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I’m a first class wind-up merchant. (Order your clockwork items from me online & I guarantee next-day delivery)
Emily Maitlis should get together with James Mates. Problem solved
Mine isn't a movie reference but a Fags, Mags and Bags reference. Whenever anyone talks about a particular community, I feel compelled to say "and it IS a community". Blame @govindajeggy.bsky.social
Was supposed to make a pair of breasts at pottery class but like an idiot I forget the nipples. Made a complete arse of it
The golden age of boat rescue was probably the seventies. Of course that was when flares were fashionable
In a parallel universe Captain Birdseye is a celebrated avant-garde musician & Captain Beefheart is the public face of fishfingers
I can thoroughly recommend my dry cleaner. He’s a normal cleaner but he’s INCREDIBLY sarcastic
Liquorice Allsorts that have melted in the sun are called Icarus Allsorts
The Farting Bill - which made it illegal to fart in the workplace - famously led to the phenomenon of outdoor farters flirting with each other in doorways, or 'flarting'
Congratulations & good luck to Bobby Gillespie on his new high-end grocery franchise Screamadelicatessen
I really fancied a Lithuanian Twix. So I phoned someone. Who phoned someone. Who phoned someone. Who phoned someone. Who phoned someone. I ended up with a Chinese Wispa
If Scottish football fans are wondering how to pronounce Iheanacho, it’s the noise a Geordie makes when he finds a Dorito down the back of the sofa
Applause
Dave Gahan is violently allergic to French peaches, & has to insist that any restaurant he attends goes into de-pêche mode
Hall & Oates were originally quite conservative politically, but after a chance conversation with Billy Bragg became a lot more left-leaning. They even re-recorded “Private Eyes” with the new title “National Eyes”
Nothing gives me greater pleasure than someone being seriously injured while writing the word 'schadenfreude'
When fans berated Bob Dylan for going electric in '65, they didn't realise he'd bought the world's first talking fridge 10 YEARS PREVIOUSLY
🎶 Sound that my microwave makes when my food’s done Goes before “bong” on the tannoy at Luton Monica Chandler The Crosby who sings These are a few of my favourite Bings 🎶
Actually, Frankenstein is a doctor success at the Venice film festival
🎶 Are you going to Scarborough Fine Fare? Parsley sage, rosemary & bin bags 🎶
Not gone public on this until now, but I used to have a third nipple. I just had to get that off my chest
Going to Kleptofest this weekend. Decent line-up: Stevie Nicks, Stealy Dan, Robby Williams
I’m developing an app called WhatDidThatShopUsedToBe. Simply take a picture of a shop, click WhatDidThatShopUsedToBe & it’ll tell you what that shop used to be
I cry at the drop of a hat these days. I must stop wearing lead hats & start wearing shoes
Sean Lock’s biggest regret before he died was not fixing the sign on his office
I’m opening a combined apiary & snooker accessories shop & I’m calling it Bee & Cue. I don’t envisage this being a problem
Happy Dr Seuss day to those who celebrate. Today I will be doing a trip in a ship, a handstand in a bandstand & a jobby in a lobby
Mike Oldfield spends A MILLION POUNDS A YEAR refrigerating his entire farm just so he can call it My Cold Field
Just got my provisional poetic licence. I'll be allowed to recite poems in the company of a poet with at least 3 years experience of poetry
Just enjoyed my first Marxist-Leninist cake. Lovely & maoist
When I went to get my foreskin removed, I didn't expect them to remove all the skin from my forearms & forehead
If you think there’s no way a woman with a lisp can succeed in Hollywood - Anne Hathaway
So it turns out all my Placebo CDs are blank
When Godzilla’s mum asked him what he did for a living he said he was “something big in the city”
Oblique Seville is the name of a Jamaican sprinter. Seriously. Look it up. I wish more athletes were named after Spanish arts festivals
LOVE that joke about Dorian Gray. Never gets old
Frances De La Tour was named after a set of gigs De La Soul did in The Dordogne
The Stranglers were originally an Ipswich octet called the Suffolk 8
Football fans in the 70s & 80s used to collect Figurine Panini stickers. The more middle-class rugby fans were into Figurine Focaccia
I have a mental block distinguishing between chalk & cheese and cheese & chives. It’s led to some spectacularly inaccurate analogies & frankly disgusting sandwiches
I find it amazing how a simple typo can generate a winning business idea. And my dog-wanking business is still going great guns
The Sun Always Shines On TV. Well maybe angle the TV AWAY from the window Morten Harket. You plum
The eyes are the windows to the soul. And the teeth are the doors to the face
I can thoroughly recommend the Isley Brothers Museum of Cheese. A lot of cheddars, quite a few Camemberts. Some are Bries
If you lose your case in The Supreme Court, it is still possible to make an appeal to The Court of Diana Ross
Heaven must be missing an angel. Either that or Gabriel’s stuck in the toilet with his IBS. This is why heaven has fire drills
If you are going to insist in indulging in the ancient Welsh pastime of cheese stomping, can I ask you please to tread Caerphilly
I have a very small allotment. Technically it’s a notmuchment
Next time you get stopped for not wearing a seatbelt, tell them you’re a pencil. You don’t have to wear a seatbelt if you’re stationery
Child employment laws were INCREDIBLY lax in the ‘80s. Sheena Easton even SINGS about her baby taking the morning train & doing a full 9-5 shift
Amazing and great @govindajeggy.bsky.social
When my friend Tony's mum got angry with him she used to use his full name - Theatre of New York
If you’re a fan of perfunctory shops, you should visit a pedestrian precinct
ALWAYS judge a production by its merch. And this is top-level merch. From a top-level show. Getting to share screen-time with comedy behemoth Jack Docherty saying words from his brilliant mind. Can’t wait for youse to see it. Can’t wait to see it myself…
Before his music career took off Marc Bolan studied metallurgy at Sheffield University for a year, & the Metal Guru he was referring to was Professor Bob Spaldings
Earth Wind & Fire named themselves after the three human reactions to curry
Of course an optimist would say "Hey! That fly got ointment on his legs! Way to go, fly!"
On Feed The World, Paul Young sings "At Xmas time... we let in light & we banish aid". “BANISH AID”. ON A CHARITY RECORD. NEVER BEEN QUESTIONED
61% of all University Challenge contestants in the last ten years are the result of one-night stands between Blockbusters contestants
All these years I thought "pester power" was "pesto power" & I was scared to eat pesto in case it blew my arse off or something
Trump has no self-awareness. Or any moral compass. Which means none of his multiple egregious actions cause him any shame or embarrassment. Until now…. so let everyone let him know that we know… TRUMP CHEATS AT GOLF
My veterinary anaesthetist has changed his name to 666 - the number of the beast
On E4 tonight… Calum Best spends a week on Earth & then a week on Mars, both on a budget of £100. How does he get on? That’s 'Best of Both Worlds', 10pm
“Ian” can be spelled several ways. Either “Ian”, or “Iain”, or if you’re an optician, “Iiaiin”, with four i’s
They say we can learn a lot from animals. But a giraffe taught me A Level Chemistry & I failed spectacularly
They try to keep it quiet, but every time McDonalds sells a Chicken MacNugget, the chief of the clan MacNugget gets 7p
Sly & The Family Stone were better than Sly & The Family Scissors, but not quite as good as Sly & The Family Paper
A hold-all couldn't POSSIBLY be a hold-all. Because even if it DID hold everything, it's not holding itself is it? And still no refund from Sports Direct
Thanks Pokerati
I wonder what advice the careers teacher gave to the young Lancelot
Evidence has been unearthed proving that Jesus was married. Archaeologists have found what is believed to be the world's first John Lewis voucher, gifted to him by the disciples
I had a dream that I stepped in a dog shit & dragged it all over my mum's brand new oatmeal carpet. So, you know, dreams CAN come true.
🎶 Oh she may get weary Young girls they do get weary Staying in that same old guest house in Skegness But when she gets weary Try a little Inverness 🎶
I will be taking a few days of quiet reflection with my family
Made the mistake of slagging off U2 in front of Grandmaster Flash. Forgot he was close to The Edge.
More of these please
🎶 I’m as trivial as malaria When I say rhythm is a quantity surveyor 🎶
Thanks Pokey people!
I've put a copy of The Thong Song in a time capsule so that aliens & future archaeologists think that underwear was humanity’s main concern
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And pain is in the palm of the bee holder
The least confident creature in the animal kingdom is probably the humblebee
Not only does “Yo-yo Dieter” accurately describe my culinary lifestyle, but it’s also the name of my favourite late ‘80s Berlin rapper
I once ate a slice of Dairylea I found in a dead clown’s pocket in the woods, & I’ve had nightmares ever since. I guess it’s true what they say about cheese
There’s a lot of gaslighting in the world of song lyrics. In Song 2, Damon Albarn can clearly be heard saying "Song 2". Rod Stewart DOES say "Young Turks". And Aphex Twin DOES say "Windowlicker"
I’ve stopped putting my money where my mouth is. Fivers taste like shit
I’ve got a niche business fixing & making accessories for insect bicycles. It’s a bee spoke service
In Scotland the most common thing to spread on Mother’s Pride bread is Father’s Wordless Disappointment margarine
My first girlfriend was called Cath & she did nothing but take the piss. Years later I discovered her full name was Catheter
Me, Jack Docherty & Dougray Scott. TOGETHER AT LAST
I would walk a million miles for one of your smiles. I wouldn’t actually, but gonna cheer the fuck up?
Normally I'd rather Fleetwood Mac than jack, but I'm really struggling to change the tyre on this car
Noel Edmonds is set to relaunch his TV career on E4 with his brand new show 'Would You Eat a Shit for a Million Pounds?' where he asks people if they would eat a shit for a million pounds
beyondthejoke.co.uk/content/1633...
Some of the things my voodoo hairdresser says would make your HAIR CURL
Noel Gallagher keeps emergency Malaysian noodles in his kitchen cupboard. He calls it his “standby mee”
I asked my neighbour to “give me some sugar” & he gave me a hug. Which was lovely, but these meringues taste like shit
Mary J Blige was never as accommodating as her sister Mary O
There's an asteroid heading towards the scissor factory. Thankfully they've assembled the world's largest sheet of paper to encase it
Hard to believe that they only actually made 12 minutes of Fawlty Towers
None of the morays & congers in Paris Zoo have contracts. That’s because if you put an eel in France it becomes freelance