26 days till no roommates and full house masturbation, then world domination
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:aum7wwntjlo6auesswofcnjd/feed/aaahkdqq3gxua
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26 days till no roommates and full house masturbation, then world domination
Bluesky has given me the false impression I can reply to work emails only if they are funny and on topic
Working from home allows me to make money while at the same time offending your delicate nature
Starting to take it personally, the sex dms I get are all face down fantasies
Imagine a blow job from me no more vomit
If I fall and you don’t point and laugh, we can’t be friends.
Shitpost like no one’s watching.
My life is an open book that requires a secret decoder pen to read.
*puts on readers to roll a joint
*beep beep* all aboard the struggle bus
The Battle of the Bulge wasn't what I thought it would be
I grew up watching wrestling in the 80's. If anyone fucked with me, I threw salt in their eyes
Lawn darts should make a return. We could definitely use some thinning of the herd
The audacity of three guys to call themselves Crowded House
Will someone come and beat this knot out of my shoulder with a rubber mallet
If I were to ever get a tattoo, it would be of a phrenology chart on my head
You think explaining lesbians to kids is awkward? I was at Domino's and my 5-yo asked what a sticker that said “avoid the noid” meant and I was like “uh, it's um the anthropomorphism of waiting for a pizza more than 30 minutes or uhhh it's not fresh or something um” and quickly changed the subject.
You have such a good eye
Perhaps a laxative is in order
Mike's Hard shitpost
accountant: we need to talk about the bottom line optometrist: what
55 Birthday Gift Ideas That Will Have You Screaming "HOLY SHIT NO FUCKING WAY THIS PIECE OF SHIT IS $85"
This not being a daily troublemaker is exhausting.
Measure twice. Forget to cut.
“I never see you at the club.” Ok I never see you in the haunted woods making questionable deals with the fae.
Who the fuck even are you people?
I got ratioed twice last night
i like to dress my problems up fancy if theyre going to be with me forever at least they can be pretty
EXCUSE ME some of us are trying to GATEKEEP
*fishing a multivitamin gummy out of my sports bra* Yeah, you could say I'm into health and fitness.
lil hard shell of vulnerability I be
my left hip lies but my right one doesn’t
watching Alien: Earth and thinking about deviled xenomorph eggs
This machine kills fascists sticker on an oyster shucking knife
Pretty savage tbh 👌
Overheard from the young people, "Why do guys get the cool, classic nicknames like Dick?!"
I make nachos on the regular. They’re pretty good.
Bagged shredded cheese is a gateway drug to microwave nachos.
cooking tip: if you don’t have a bbq you can fry burgers in your kitchen on high heat you just have to unplug your fire alarms and open all the windows and play jungle music really loud so the fire dept knows its all good
Good news. 🫶
𝘕𝘦𝘸 𝘠𝘰𝘳𝘬, 𝘕𝘦𝘸 𝘠𝘰𝘳𝘬 is my favorite song about a certain city in the northeastern U.S. but I’m not going to tell you which one. You have to guess.
Reply guys - who think 👀 is an erudite comment - judging others is what's wrong with this world
It's not only psychopaths who can't show empathy. It's husbands too lol
Cheetos have magical healing properties when you're sick
Some you would benefit from writing your thoughts on paper and burning it immediately
Feel better Miss
Making extra cheesy vegetable pie for dinner because, as I have recently discovered, cheese is an excellent COVID treatment
my attacks are ad hominom nom nom
Omnidirectional onslaught of bullshit
i love the unmistakable sound of a skateboard going down the street
i used to put ketchup on mac & cheese if you’re looking for a girl with a refined palate
(guy who's about to invent fermentation) nah i bet it's still good
All Empires crumble eventually* *Accidentally deleted a save in a video game
Show me on this cat calendar the last time you got laid.
accidentally swiffered myself into a circle and now i am trapped forever
if i've been "suggested for you," there's been a terrible mistake
too much input, not enough output
i am at my absolute loudest when i try to be quiet 😑
I won't pose my symptoms as a question to myself, much less Google.
every skircle feels like a report card and i get an f in participation
the second worst part about my last skeet was the 40 seconds it was up before I deleted it
By my calendar, September 1st is the first day of Halloween- which runs until the day after Thanksgiving
Call it the current SHITuation.
Carrying a conversation counts as cardio
i want it doggy style baby. yeah, a belly rub why what did you think i meant
Lol blocked for saying people can't do more betterer skeets
Is Bluesky dying or do you just not know how to make more betterer skeets?
"Extended family" is English for "network of people disappointed in you."
Your placement in the skircle indicates the hour of death by angle, the difficulty of passage by radius.
I feel like I could win a fight against at least a dozen woodland creatures.
[public bathroom] ME (calling into a stall): doing okay sweetie? 6YO NIECE: yeah it’s a good poop ME: what makes it a good poop 6YO NIECE: it didn’t happen in my pants
I’ve just seen a picture of a bowl of tomatoes with 2k likes and I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
Much to everyone’s relief I’m sure
Hey someone might like me, you don't know.
I still occasionally think of the wise advice my aunt gave me back when I was still in high school: "If you need the nicotine monkey on your back, then don't vape like a candy-ass; smoke cigarettes like a self-respecting dirtbag"
Sometimes you're gonna have a gnat land in your wine while you're enjoying the beautiful night out on the deck. You might see it and flick it out or maybe you'll just slurp it right down. Fuck it! Who cares? Everyone's always carrying on about getting more protein anyway. Enjoy your wine gnat.
I found a bluebird feather yesterday. It's supposed to mean happiness, hope, and good fortune. *tapping foot* yeah ok, but when?
Due to shrinkflation, each bag of dicks is now 10% more air.
Only a couple weeks until my birthday- I sure hope someone gets me the euthanasia I’ve been asking for
Lint rolling my face after spending quality time with my 3 cats
I held my horses twice last night
The older I get, the more important it is that I not turn off any alarms I've set before they go off.
How I've missed out on life: "Sounds like fun. But what's the parking situation?"
Nothing says strong alpha male like hysteria over chalk rainbows on the pavement.
take your meds, drink your water, and unclench your butthole.
Man, the things I don’t post.
All my corndogs are housetrained.
Giant bag of candy: I'm resealable Me: that won't be necessary
Labor Day is a Die Hard holiday
Apples and cinnamon with a touch of nutmeg have entered the chat
Please sir, I'm a joyless husk
choosing to believe i’ve simply evolved past the need to sleep every day
Dodged a bullet; me.
The reasons why are inconsequential
I’ve fallen in love with you at least a dozen times.
Not a virtue of mine
someone should invent a plant that gets you high when you smoke it
Stop changing your profile picture. Choose one and stick with it for 25 years like a normal person
love that being anxious makes you bad at sleeping and sleeping bad makes you feel anxious, whoever came up with that really nailed it