I have this bad habit of typing and sending without proofreading properly. It sometimes makes me look like a right aunt.
@IHPower on Twitter. Don’t take this shit too seriously. Unless I’m talking about Tories, I really do hate them that much.
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I have this bad habit of typing and sending without proofreading properly. It sometimes makes me look like a right aunt.
Dear house builders, you’re seriously overestimating how much excitement there is in your “exciting new development”. Regards, Ian.
This is how I’ll always remember him.
No one loves a show off, mate.
I bet if you drew a Venn diagram of young men with low IQs and young men who walk the streets with no tops on you'd only need one circle.
Sorry I haven't answered any replies for a few hours. I've been putting a cover on a king size duvet.
Breaking news: Colchester branch of Waitrose has sold out of avocados. Desperate scenes.
Ladies, bleaching your arsehole may cause some unpleasantness. Especially if he doesn't like his new look.
Have you ever walked into a room and can't remember why you've made so many bad decisions in your life and collapse to the floor sobbing?
My wife said I spoil our dog. Fuck knows how she thinks he's going to shuck his own oysters.
You know how some people find clowns creepy and sinister? I'm like that, but with Reformers.
There are many reasons for disliking Donald J. Trump but, for me, I find his mouth doing a cat’s arsehole impression is right up there.
A prostitute lives near me with a bird of prey and a man who vacuums at night listening to 80s synth pop. Whore, kestrel, man hoovers in the dark.
"I hear you've had a penis extension. How big is it?" "The 4.4 litre V8 Range Rover.” "Impressive!"
A bit creepy, Duolingo. Whichever way I choose to read it.
Perfect autocorrect? Only when he'll freezes over.
Leaving your fog lights permanently on is a great way of letting people know you're a twat.
I've just ordered some books about OCD.
Breaking news: The British Origami Association are going into administration. More on this as it unfolds.
Nothing says ‘brave’ quite like choosing a new flavoured water.
“Hi Geordie, my sister got hurt by a marsupial in a Malaysian city zoo.” "Kuala Lumpur?" “No, kicked by a kangaroo.”
The fact there’s a #ThesaurasDay makes me cheerful, contented, glad, elated, joyful and happy.
I was surprised to discover tapas isn't little bowls of mixed pasta.
WHAT DO WE WANT? what? You're supposed to shout A CURE FOR APATHY! whatever...
Breaking news: I've just bought a motorised sofa bed. More on this as it unfolds.
Anyone who brings “God” into an argument, isn't really worth arguing with.
My biggest dump was on 26-12-89, the runniest on 12-10-99 and the hardest on 1-6-14. I've always had a good memory for faeces.
I just farted and told my wife it was the dog. Then I remembered I don't have a dog. Or a wife... I'm so lonely.
Have you noticed how your gym gear shrinks if you don't use it for a while?
I’ve never been much of a fan of Joe Pasquale, but he speaks quite highly about me.
Just been to Lidl. I've never felt so handsome.
Be the best detective in Oxford. Be a gentleman with the ladies. Listen to classical music. Drink real ale. ~The Morse code
It's true that life is like a box of chocolates - too expensive and someone else always takes the one you really wanted.
“How much for the kinky porn mag?” “That's Horse & Hounds, sir!” ... “How much?”
Many people objected to my parents getting hitched. Dad was a 5000m runner and mum a sprinter. They didn't approve of mixed race marriages in those days.
I’m - I now need glasses to see whether I’m properly cleaning my glasses - years old.
Although I recognise my cynicism and pessimism are negative traits, I find I’m rarely disappointed.
When you decide ‘growing old gracefully’ isn’t for you.
I'm - you were being posh and sophisticated if you had a prawn cocktail starter with dinner - years old.
Leftist terrorists celebrating the death of their political opponents, 1945. Sickos.
I'm working on a nipple pun. It just needs a little tweaking.
If I had a boomerang I’d name it Mack.* *give yourself one mark if you get this
There should be some sort of compulsory 'umbrella proficiency test', shouldn't there?
Botox makes actors forget their lines.
All McDonald's are drive thrus if you're adventurous enough.
Hands up if you hate Nazi jokes.
How are you still alive! 😉
I once saw Billy Joel in B&Q buying fire lighters. The lying bastard.
History fact: Viking King of England between 1016 - 1035, Cnut (Canute), banned anagrams.
Years ago I went to one of The Jam's after show parties. There wasn't much to drink but they put on a lovely spread.
Here’s 2p in case of emergencies.
Jarvis Cocker's Pulp were heavily influenced by 80s band Orange Juice, who in turn had been greatly influenced by 70s group Squeeze.
When you have to prove you’re over fifty.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll say, "This is boring, can't we just go back to you giving me fish?"
For their services pirates aren't allowed to charge more than 3.14159265 doubloons per hour.
I once worked in a kitchen that was a proper madhouse. They only allowed the head chef proper ventilation. One flue over the cook who's best.
I'm not as nostalgic as I used to be. I really miss that.
A face tattoo is a great way of showing you never want a job.
I scoffed when they said I eat too much.
If I had a pet baby kangaroo I'd call it Tribbiani.* *If you don't get this we can never be friends.
Life tip: if you're happy don't show it. There'll always be some arsehole who'll resent that and try their best to change it.
You know those people who are all 'bright and breezy' first thing in the morning? Does anyone else feel like strangling the fuckers?
My Doctor says I have xenophobia. I bet I caught it off some fucking foreigner!
If nothing else Facebook's great for finding out how stupid and ignorant your family and old friends really are.
Can I stop walking like an Egyptian yet?
I find asking, "Could you hold the line while I finish my wank?", is a great way to get rid of cold callers.
My ex-wife often gave me ‘the silent treatment’. I liked those bits best.
"I have a rare psychological disorder that means I sometimes think I'm antiperspirant deodorant.” "Are you certain that's a real disorder?" "I'm sure.”
I just happily discussed last week's episode of Gardeners' World with my neighbour. It's all over for me, isn't it?
I like to think there’s a special place in Hell for people who don’t acknowledge your kindness when you let them out of a junction.
Do you remember those days before mobile phones, when you could disappear for hours and no one could get hold of you? Fuck me, I miss those days.
I just phoned the Thesaurus Helpline hoping to find an ideal synonym for connected. It was engaged.
Fuck's sake! I've been lost on spaghetti junction for 30 minutes now. This is past a joke.
Do you know who likes to hear about your weird dreams? No one. Absolutely no one.
Unlike most pop singers, Seal has never been a fan of clubbing.
A woman caller on Jeremy Vine’s radio show was wondering why her teenage son spends so much time in the bathroom with his phone. Mmm… 🙄
Cape Town doesn't have as many superheroes as I'd expected.
When someone says you're average, it's not necessarily in a mean way.
My local Polish shop isn’t very good. There’s dust everywhere.
Coffee keeps me going until I can have a proper drink.
Do you remember when they used to change the Zuckerbot’s batteries in public?
"How was your date?" "She's beautiful and kind." "You'll see her again then?" "She thought Miranda was funny." "Plenty more fish in the sea, mate.”
A BMW driver's just let me out of a junction and I don't know what to believe anymore.
Nobody's perfetc.
I was surprised to discover Oxo isn't on the stock exchange.
I bet foreplay's a nightmare with MC Hammer.
Apparently the Mick Jagger, Marianne Faithfull and a Mars bar story isn't true. I know you don't care now, but it was a hot topic back then.
I'm on the French carb-free diet. It's tough, but you know what they say - no pain, no gain.
I once saw a Range Rover park in a disabled bay. The driver didn't have a badge. I told him having a small penis doesn't count. *proud face*
A colleague told me he used to work with a Kay Cole. They referred to her as "shut your". It took a few seconds but made me laugh.
Welcome to your fifties. The various aches and pains feel like old friends now.
NOW! WHAT DO WE WANT? TIME TRAVEL! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
When my wife gave me the pet name "Nordic God" I was quite proud. I only later found out it's a super quick roll on/roll off ferry.
Tap water? No. Bottled water? No. Rain water? No. Muddy puddle with green scum on top water? FUCK, YEAH! ~ My dog.
I’m pinned off with autocorrect. It’s developed a mine of its owl.
I couldn't stop twisting and turning in bed last night. I was torquing in my sleep.
I'm only ever interested in someone's sexuality if I'm attracted to them. It's the only time it matters, isn't it?
Thank fuck they got the design for the drawing board right first time.
FUCK'S SAKE, MATE, IT'S AN ATM. YOU'RE NOT DEFUSING A BOMB OR LAUNCHING A FUCKING SPACE ROCKET!
I’m - I can remember the lyrics to obscure 80s songs but can’t remember why I’ve just come into this room - years old.