i wonder if there will be any squeaky tanks in the china parade
Progressive Meatbag. I gave at the office. Shitposting is life. I will reskeet all Alt Text. Be afraid. I am. Do you even have to speculate? Of course it will be a butthole. My stuff bsky.app/profile/did:plc:uqdv2smjfcl33nsta6v73at7/feed/aaac2d3fizhzo
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i wonder if there will be any squeaky tanks in the china parade
Every time I see this I read Ho Lice
Abominations gonna abominate. 🙄
Life is a lot like Battletoads Hard as hell , but with some cool looking characters.
You see him as a 10 but he’s a villain in private
White Feather - #MarillionMonday on a Tuesday music.youtube.com/watch?v=TS-6...
Pickleball is the Scientology of sports.
the 26.2 sticker on my car is for how many times I fart per day
Sitting in this meeting, watching a mouse walk around inside the overhead light fixture.
Everytime I drink water my organs clap like a live studio audience
When you think about it, air fryers are just easy bake ovens for adults
I hate the times when an automatic blood pressure cuff pumps up so tightly that it brings tears to my eyes and almost always leaves a "hickey" on my arm. Then the nurse mentions that my blood pressure was slightly elevated. It's because I was fighting to save my arm from an anaconda, Diane! 🖕
*seeing roofers next door* I wonder if any of them are serial killers
The sky was bible black in Lyon, when I met the Magdalene She was paralyzed in a streetlight She refused to give her name music.youtube.com/watch?v=J9L5...
I am a Reddit thief for you
Just once I’d like to be used for good instead of evil.
She’s a 10 but is really just two 5’s that like to ruin joke formats in a trenchcoat
dressed up like a Fraggle for work this morning, and no one at the office seemed to notice
Scent-free skunk encounter, always preferred.
Hello Internet. It is 8:35am EST. I attempted to check my work calendar from my phone; it took me 37 button taps of various “okay, proceed, sign in” to find that my phone is not on the corporate approved users list. All I wanted was find out when my first meeting was. Something something burn it all
They always said Barney was a crack shot.
Is he dead yet?
I painted a picture of us mid coitus on a cave wall, please respond
I painted a picture of us farting on a cave wall, please respond
A slippery, sweaty steamy session would fix me.
them petals tho💞💛
went for a hike on this cool, humid morning. birds sang in the early light and a deer grazed, wiggling its ears as i strode on. i reached the summit and knelt down in the glistening flora. "do the dew," i whispered, bringing my mouth to a blade of grass. "damn. water again." my search continues.
💞💛
Early bird gets the omg that's a snake!
Becoming ambidextrous just to give my doom scrolling thumb a break
You know I will always post armadillo butt.
Think I'll turn in.
the 26.2 sticker on my car is for how many la croix i drink per day
Sunday chuckles🥰🥰🥰
Bruce Springsteen: Hey little girl, is your daddy home? I’ve been trying to reach him about his car’s extended warranty
I know that there are RUMORS of my death circulating on dead social media platforms and fake NEWS media but here is clearly a picture taken today as proof of life, I have a newspaper with today's DATE in my hand but we removed that so that we don't promote liberal rags
I know that there are RUMORS of my death circulating on dead social media platforms and fake NEWS media but here is clearly a picture taken today as proof of life, I have a newspaper with today's DATE in my hand but we removed that so that we don't promote liberal rags
“Be the change you wish to see in the world” *stays in bed
I’m getting in the shower and I’m pretty disappointed that you aren’t coming with me
Them: Do you know how to flirt Me: Oh for fuck’s sake Gary, leave me alone
This year has flown by like a passing kidney stone.
Every time I press reset password another brain cell gets its wings.
Some days I feel like I could talk forever and some days I don’t want to talk at all.
when you’re grinding me for xp this is who you’re killing
I'll take spanking-related tramp stamps for 200 please Alex 🏆👑 Congratulations @ironweed.bsky.social from @pretty-vulgar.bsky.social
The combination piano bench & pet euthanizer was not Professor Kapp’s best idea.
“My Two Dads” (1987)
Wearing American Eagle jeans today... But in all fairness they're vintage and were probably made before Sidney was born
i’m receptive to indistinguishable metaphors i’ve got horrible analogies
He’s passed on! This douchebag is no more! He has ceased to be! He’s expired & gone to meet his maker! This is a late douchebag! He’s a stiff! Bereft of life! He rests in peace! If they hadn’t nailed him to a golf cart, he’d be pushing up daisies! THIS IS AN EX-DOUCHEBAG!
Toronto traffic, transit congestion likely to worsen with in-office mandates: experts
A YouTuber has now suggested I boost my productivity by using speech-to-text to vibe code blindly on my walks.
That was the second-best Polanski news possible.
"Pursue happiness with diligence Mastodon ~ The Sparrow (2011, 2021 live at the Georgia Aquarium) #togoty 🐙
c:\program files\Doomkick\Tuesday.exe
Morning blues Seasick Steve “Down De Road”
Him- you smell lovely. Me- awe, thanks! H- really glad you took it that way. Ya never know what you can say to women anymore. Men have to walk on eggshells now. Me- yeah,,could have done without that entire last part, chief.
Had a bit of a sex dream about someone I find revolting. Gonna have a stern talking to with my subconscious.
Good morning, wonderfuls ♥️
If you don’t live skeet my funeral I won’t haunt you 👻
Meal prep while zenning out into possibilities Working on issues that seem to repeat like disappointment and anger The homeostasis that seems the healthiest is the one where I sit with my bullshit Own it See it’s starting point and aim for a finish that seems like a marathon Best time, finishing
Last September I was still in my shell. I was pecking gently from inside, ready for incubation. 11 months of grief gestation, fertilizing my mind, feeding my soul, fermenting my best qualities for distillation. I celebrate one year of that last month of solitude.
Friendly reminder that 45-year-old Venus Williams is a 14-time doubles slam champ and 14-0 in doubles slam finals. She and Leylah Fernandez are now only *three wins* away from a #USOpen doubles title. WOW.
Tumor the size of a chicken egg found in man’s scrotum — due to rare condition usually found in vaginas
I would listen to this until you are really ready for the truth. This is apt af for the current political strife we are in. Learning can be fun, growth can be uncomfortable.
😂😂😂
Traveler interrogated over mysterious white powder found in her carry-on— but airport security is stunned after learning what it really is “It’s a concentrated powder containing polyethene polymer – the same ingredient in bubble solution and slime recipes.”
Cuba Gooding Jr., best known as Boy Getting Haircut in Coming to America (1988)
listening to an older black person tell their story requires several dozen ears. It’s so much to comprehend
Drop an old person you're going to turn into in the future
Share a movie that’s a… 🎬 • 10/10 Plot • 10/10 Cinematography • 10/10 Cast • 10/10 Acting • 10/10 Soundtrack • 10/10 Direction
Septicflesh ~ Anubis (live in Mexico, 2019) #togoty
Fucking love him 💜💜💜
Casting a shadow is underrated.
Weekend at Gary’s
Gary With The Wind.
Overdrawn at the Gary Bank
I want to be the string of melted mozzarella hanging from your lower lip. -romantic
i will also be making an announcement tomorrow at 2pm ("i sleepy")
The Fifth Gary
Star Trek II : The Wrath of Gary
Oh, Gary.
Dirty, Rotten Gary
Hart’s Gary, starring Bruce Willis and Colin Farrell.
Slapping me silly might fix me.
I have a lot of hair. Around 15 years of dreads.
Drag is short for dragon.
Me: I long for physical touch with acts of service Cashier: Sir this is a Wendy’s
oh, what’s that? Mark Cuban is “one of the good billionaires”? then why hasn’t he given every housing-insecure trans person on this app $10,000?
"You have helped me reach the next level. And here I was starting to think you were just a sadistic psycho bitch." - Chosen One
If you have a problem you copied, if you like to make more trouble for yourself by copying problems, if you just cannot stop and no one else can help, and if you can find shortcuts to do it faster and forever, maybe you can hire...The Ctrl V Team
Ruin a movie by making it about Gary Training Gary
What do y'all think the announcement is tomorrow? I think he's going to announce his medical problems and then step down. I'm calling it now!
He just keeps Gary’n on about Gary.
I'll miss you when I'm off at collage.
a chalk line but with fanny pack so they know I went with snacks
*names dog "Gooner"*