it'll be funny when the news is like "a nation is mourning" and then can't find a single live shot that doesn't include people very clearly partying their asses off
please don't yell at me while i'm on the phone
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it'll be funny when the news is like "a nation is mourning" and then can't find a single live shot that doesn't include people very clearly partying their asses off
goldilocks and the three bears teaches kids a valuable lesson about why, if you're doing a house job, you get in and get out, fast. if she doesn't go to bed that's just free porridge
getting a butt dial from rudy giuliani and hearing him flatline
every pic of trump looks like this now
hey man just heard and wanted to say i'm so so sorry for your loss.. can't even imagine... you must be insanely butthurt
oh haha when i first saw your text i thought it said "brian cancer" and i was like, Uhh wait who's this brian guy? lol but fuck dude, that's awful about your kid
The Cryptid President
every pic of trump looks like this now
let me stop you right there kid. if you're a little teapot where's your handle and spout
the twist in Rock Lobster would be a lot scarier if the B-52s hadn't spoiled it in the title. you know right away it's not a rock
they should make school house rock for grownups so i can find out what a bill is without being condescended to
injuries have caused a couple of my posts to be imperfect as well
welp, better follow fifty one thousand accounts that talk about it nonstop
she's tried of stuff like that
"tried of politics" is such a rich text
whoa... very cerebral......
is that latin
either way they've got a massive size advantage and one of em has a sword
i was able to find this information using modern cellphone technology
yeah but he was old for a rat when he got mutated so his human traits are those of an old man. so the turtles are like 25
teen age is well into adulthood for the eastern box turtle
yeah but eastern box turtles are sexually mature at age 5 so it's not a 1:1 comparison
it'd be very long but i think this followed by Eddington would be a good double feature. both kind of about bored scared lonely people going nuts trying to navigate a web of fake conspiracies because they don't know there's a class war
that's such a funny way to decide to move
this is my favorite part of Under the Silver Lake
it's a question tho
it's easier to approach if you think of it as two one-body problems
gamblers ripping up their Trump or Giuliani bet slips as CNN announces Elon Musk has died from complications during a routine chest-weirdening surgery
Due to a booking error Rudy Giuliani has been laid to rest in the parking lot at Woodlawn Mulch & Chip Depot
He died. He died on the toilet but “not the way you think,” a White House spokesperson said in a brief statement before declining follow-up questions.
good ass movie
ordering all the free samples at costco on doordash
i call them scare-iffs because i'm scare-iffied of what they'll do to the economy
getting a butt dial from rudy giuliani and hearing him flatline
why bother... you know what they're gonna make the inquiry on. whole system is compromised
sliding the teller a six page note written in letters snipped from dozens of magazines, in which i ultimately talk myself out of robbing the bank even though i just spent my last three hundred dollars on magazines. my hands are covered in paper cuts
trying to come up with the name of a movie... all i remember is it stars Key and Hutch
It's The T.H.O.T That Counts (gender swapped remake of Rain Man)
hey if you're who makes these kinds of movies check this shit out: Perish the T.H.O.T. you can have that, free of charge
admittedly M*A*S*H made some compelling points but i still don't think the korean war was that funny
they made a machine that pushes me down and a second machine that points and laughs at me and it's not my #1 complaint here but that does not need to be two separate machines
lotta great scenes in that movie but this is the part i think about most often
Trump signing an executive order declaring the Washington Generals are the good team now and the Globetrotters have to play bad, saying "this is, if we're honest, LONG overdue. it was a false and, i think, enormous insult of our brave military in uniform who quite frankly DO win and often VERY big."
i think it would be sad when rutger hauer dies in blade runner even if he hadn't seen cool stuff
ancient aliens guy: these cave painting clearly depict flying saucers. these are alien spacecraft. cave man showing off his painting to the neighbors: make new shape name grug
(campaign sign) Andrew Cuomo Big strong dad, big strong city. Vote me BIG mayor.
the hellmouth is open and it will take what it's owed
samara emerges from her well and crawls out of my tv, dusts herself off then heads down to the skytrain station. i'm on my couch staring dumbfounded until the russian dash cam compilation i was watching comes back on screen and i start clapping like a seal. i've already forgotten what just happened
did mushrooms with Theseus and he's just been staring at his ship for like two hours
couldn't have dreamed of a better result when i googled Famous NYC Cemetery for this joke
fluids leaking from patient's head determined to be inorganic
saying thank you sir each time barron hits him with a paintball on the white house lawn
(rubio standing at a press conference with his pants around his ankles because trump told him he's not allowed to pull them up until he deports ten million people) why i love mr. president. he lets me work four jobs. he is kind and wise. he is right about my stupid little butt looking so funny
little marco's humiliation and following subjugation at the hands of donald trump is one of the most pathetic character arcs in american political history
chocoplasmosis
when your inmate does a gruesome scalpel attack
they're so kind
not to be outdone, Alan Dershowitz has had both his legs blown off by a landmine. he had placed the explosive in his own front yard earlier today to make an inscrutable point about "pierogi antisemitism"
hell yea, get it grunch
with trump and giuliani edging right up to the border of death, the comedic rule of threes now screams for blood
trump on truth social after getting Skinamarinked: The Radical Communist democrat party are TAKING Away our beautiful doors and giving the American people TERRIBLE CARTOONS on the shortest loops we've EVER SEEN but I told their EVIL toy phone NO MORE and have now been given a big BEAUTIFUL toilet
oh yeah what's half of zero
if i was ever in a war i'd use all my cunning to turn the two sides against one another
when spaghetti approaches a black hole it becomes even moreso
might wanna take a covid test
at 30k i adopt as my own the ideas that settle out of sweet smelling clouds of quietly humming fog belched from the spill zone. sticky residue that coats everything in thoughts free for the taking. they're appealing ideas and i don't want to scrape them off my splash suit anymore. can't remember why
praying for a brief recovery
looking good sir
sad to report rudy giuliani is in critical condition after blowing it out his ass
photo taken by a man with a perfectly square head
trump appears to be going out a whole lot worse than stan chera ever did
shot a nerf dart at a coyote in the street and it spooked him enough that he left but he also grabbed the dart and took it with him
seven foot tall ghost on halloween
the posters with a totally different art style are so good
always trying to find that sweet spot between A Bit Of A Thinker and Dumbest Thing You've Read Today
trying to come up with the name of a movie... all i remember is it stars Key and Hutch
sadly this, is new nornal
the CDC now recommends all children receive.... HOT BEEF INJECTIONS???
i got eight million reasons for ya right here
fluids leaking from patient's head determined to be inorganic
i'll take the money and earmark a couple million to put My Beautiful Goose together
would've gone with Fresh Kills Gutting & Taxidermy Services in that case
couldn't have dreamed of a better result when i googled Famous NYC Cemetery for this joke
Due to a booking error Rudy Giuliani has been laid to rest in the parking lot at Woodlawn Mulch & Chip Depot
samara emerges from her well and crawls out of my tv, dusts herself off then heads down to the skytrain station. i'm on my couch staring dumbfounded until the russian dash cam compilation i was watching comes back on screen and i start clapping like a seal. i've already forgotten what just happened
calm down, there's plenty room in the reservoir for the city's drinking water AND my thousands of gallons of deep brown chemical slurry which, by the way, nobody has been able to prove is toxic. they tried too. can't get anywhere near the stuff without suffering a Psychic Intrusion or 'Mind Gouge'
wrong
standard big city soundscape
ME: The last few days have been fun and all, but I worry that in a world where all better futures have been foreclosed upon, the only fleeting joy to experience will be the deaths of monsters. COWBOY LAWYER: I just made pardner at my firm
guys keep falling into my apartment through the trap door that my villainous new upstairs neighbor installed
slapping my graspers in delight
this was so fun to make.. never gonna relate to people who wanna remove that part
shot a nerf dart at a coyote in the street and it spooked him enough that he left but he also grabbed the dart and took it with him
standard big city soundscape
chocoplasmosis
nasa won't admit it but they found a dog on the moon and buzz aldrin zero hesitation just hoofed the fuckin thing. sent this poor little pomeranian clear into outer space. he starts laughing like a maniac but if you listen close you can also hear armstrong say, that's a uh. real funny kick, buzz
double sided coin.... fascinating to imagine, but quite impossible