What doctor called it a due date and not a Labor Day?
Platinum ๐ณ๏ธโ๐. ๐ฌ. ๐dad. St-stutterer. I once had a bee stuck in my ear. Newest: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:ibib6zmsccimdaxgb2vxefjw/feed/aaaiic6oiigjs Tops: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:ibib6zmsccimdaxgb2vxefjw/feed/aaaiigc5sscqw
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What doctor called it a due date and not a Labor Day?
If youโre giving someone a rusty trombone, donโt. That means itโs made of iron when it should be made of brass.
About that rusty trombone...would you mind if it's going to be more like a tarnished slide flute?
*pronounces trombone like zamboni*
My idea of spending time with โextended familyโ is stretching them all on the rack.
โI still carry a torch for my old flame.โ - arsonist love story
*busy frosting a urinal cake for your birthday*
Sometimes I think Iโm doing this adult thing pretty well and then I remember I have no frosting in my house.
I know at least one person is sofa king pissed the most that heโs still alive
trees that know ventriloquism can throw shade
salvador dalรญ eating a tuna melt
Tears For Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world. Everybody: Um, can we please rule ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ world?
My world domination plan is to hide until i'm the only one left.
With the amount of time Iโve spent on social media, I could've overthrown a third world country.
If my cat doesn't like you, that is a vibe check. We gagged in unison and had the urgent need to bathe.
Fact: The Beach Boys wrote the song ๐๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ ๐๐ช๐ฃ๐ณ๐ข๐ต๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ด after surviving a magnitude 6.1 earthquake. Co-writers Brian Wilson and Mike Love told the media โWe were being sarcastic.โ
Everything in the universe is vibrating unfortunately none of it is vibrating at the same frequency as my phone when someone actually texts me back.
Good vibrations and sweet sensations or I'm not having it
cmon baby you know you want to hit this [me flirting with a bus]
would you rather be a beagle or see a seagull
My cat unionized the couch cushions and left a hate sausage by the litter box. Company policy says Iโm at fault. PspspspโฆI plead to the paw under the door.
Theyโre only your neighbor if theyโre a horse, otherwise theyโre just a sparkling adjacent dwelling unit
We need to clarify that the name on the marquee is for the movie Weapons and is not an invitation to bring weapons. Unless itโs to fight off the raccoon family that lives under seat F.
what do you even need a keyboard for. just stop locking up your boards
as an early adopter I like to get rid of obsolete things so this year I'm on to my third mobile and fifth husband
New promotion! For $20, you can see as many movies as you want for two hours.
we are all human. we all face the same temptations. like resisting eating an entire salami directly out of the deli drawer
[doesnโt post anything] why donโt i have any notifications
We will be open today despite the Cybertruck fire out front. This has happened so many times we donโt even really notice anymore.
[lightly touching finger tips thru the Burger King bathroom stall glory hole] Finally human connection
Before social media, there was the party line on a landline. We connected by yelling โHello?!โ at strangers.
Later on HGTV, we transform a dungeon gate into a cozy, lavender-scented nursery.
โIโll explain later. Right now, I need to borrow your fax machine.โ - stranded time travelers from the late 20th Century
The worst part about obsolete technology is that thereโs no longer a non-zero chance of being crushed by a drawbridge over a moat
Take her to a museum. Bitches Louvre art.
Marrying a man with excellent taste has its downsides. The main one being that he refuses to buy me spaghettios.
*at the Louvre painting eye shadow on the Mona Lisa like one of your French girls*
Siesta > fiesta
THEM: i donโt care for your demeanor ! ME: between us youโre demeanor one !
I feel so alienated from society because we have 9-5, but no song called โ7:00-2:45, except on Wednesdays when I have to stay until 4:30.โ
(During sex) Me: I need you to whisper those things I like... Him, leaning forward seductively : *opens authenticator app*
Doctor: He thinks heโs at the opening of his art gallery exhibition [camera pans to me in a rubber room with feces smeared across the walls] Doctor: honestly itโs still better than anything made with AI
I love all this Impressionism at this galleryโฆI say without my glasses.
Enable 2FA on your accounts or meet me in the playground at 3:30 Your choice on how this ends
If youโre taking a selfie in front of our marquee, make sure you get the whole thing. We saw so many breakups over THE WIZARD OF O.
I once had a harem of women too, but they left because they said I was too sexy for them. This definitely 100% happened.
Me: And you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? H: I do Me: to confirm, please say the six digit code that was texted to your phone
instead of codes, two factor authentication should send you a singing telegram
If you canโt do the maritime, donโt do the maricrime ๐
Should Bluesky add polls? Click one: o Yes o No
Weird how maritime law is tried before a jury of your piers
A jury of my peers? TWELVE murderers?!
Either way, he has to stay away from the copper
the steelworker turned to a life of crime becoming a steal worker
i dont want to be a sour old man but life keeps feeding me lemons
looks like my dream of getting mailed to france in a large box with air holes in it is on hold indefinitely
doomscrolling is ruining my life but my thumbs are fit as fuck
any cake can be a cheesecake if you add kraft singles
I'd like to open up today's sermon with a reading of nutrition facts from Cinnabon.
I donโt like thinking about my blood pressure. It makes my blood pressure go up. Take my blood pressure when Iโm sleeping or knocked unconscious and donโt tell me about it.
*putting sugar in your gas tank because you're a 10 but you won't let me eat buffalo wings in your car*
*๐ me hanging upside down and going to sleep emerging tomorrow morning as the bsky butterfly ๐ฆ* ๐ฅฐ
[David Attenborough voice] As the flesh eating screwworm begins to pupate, one has to wonder if the horrors of the present will never cease
Prescription-strength voice memos
the imperial march is a perfectly acceptable wedding march
MAMA Be quiet Freddie JUST KILLED A MAN As your lawyer I- PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD Just- PULLED THE TRIGGER- We plead guilty, Your Honor
*wakes up as a cockroach* Hell yeah! I donโt have to go into work today!
Stevia would be a great girls name, but Iโd probably just call her sugar.
*fills his pockets with rocks and wades into the break room coffee pot*
Did you forget a La Croix can or are you just happy to be here?
i put my pants on just like everyone else: by removing the empty la croix cans from the day before first
Sorry your boyfriend thinks the clitoris is the chamber in which a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly.
Who called them Peepsยฎ๏ธ instead of Sugar Titsยฎ๏ธ?
Life in your 40s is being stuck in a constant cycle of minor illnesses.
Gorgonzola cheese is not made of Gorgons.
Hey sugar. Wanna Splenda little time with me? Weโll keep it on the Sweet and Low and be totally Equal.
a wise shitposter doesn't post all their bangers now but saves them up as a retirement strategy. you seem pretty wise.
friend: name a type of jelly me: k, y?
claritin would be a lovely name for a cat
Me: Oh how I long for death's sweet release! Also me: *takes fish oil supplement*
my only goal in life is for someone to call me a wizard-ass looking mfer
"Why don't u drink?" Me: I went pro and retired early.
Doogie Howser is in it I guess? And that kids is How I Met Your Mother.
recipe for pigs in blanket forts is this anything?
My favourite blanket is comprised of 10% fabric, 90% emotional stability
not a psychopath but instead a full on psychohighway
refrigerator pants so all that cake dont spoil in this heat
I tried, but my weighted blanket won't let me join your morning hike.
When his mother and I finally met, she peered through lace curtains, rolled her eyes, and whispered, โNot good enough.โ
Anyway, thatโs how I met your mother [me finishing the story of that time my best friendโs dad and I got caught in bed]
i remember the first time I met your mom. best threesome ever
Doc: Ready for your corpus callosotomy surgery? Me: CUT MY LIFE IN TWO PIECES
Didnโt see myself under โPopular With Friendsโ again, fuckers
post malone ergo propter malone
Forgive me father for I have purchased pumpkin beer before Labor Day
[Rainy day] Human: I am sad Plant: Awww yeah Iโm gonna get turnt and grow through a sidewalk
maybe she's born with it maybe it's bullshit
I once dreamt my balls hatched.
Despite what you've heard, Clover Kiss is not named after a sex act.