Prince accidentally won Monaco in a game of baccarat.
Prince accidentally won Monaco in a game of baccarat.
The early birdbrain gets the worm!
Man, I can't have any of this replacement migration shit. I want the West to stay the West, 'cuz just the thought of us having to pack up the West and move it to the other side of the flat earth is exhausting.
He wanted to make Home Alone 3, where he's halfway to Epstein's island when he realizes he forgot to abduct Kevin. He sends two goons to break into Kevin's parents' house and snatch him to fly him to the island. They wind up grabbing his big brother instead. Trump ends up stiffing the goons, natch.
He preferred his babyback ribs fresh...and raw.
The first Polaroid to finish developing: "Is THIS your card?"
To be fair, it was Halloween, and he was dressed up as a Pokémon at his young daughter's urging. He just didn't understand the concept. He really thought he was supposed to "poke them all."
A person named after a hamburger is a Carls, Jr.
Tuscany has "eat, pray, love." Ireland has "drink, pray, drink more, love." Also, "ayyy, ye call that drinkin', ya gobshite! Hold mai potato!"
It's that thing where Republicans, MAGAts, and various right-wing pundits open their mouths and "speak their truth."
He'd make a more convincing Putin.
The definition of hebedoudisnous makes me feel hebedoudisnous toward not having heard of or already knowing the definition of hebedoudisnous.
How to commit the perfect crime: Be a secret triplet.
I wouldn't peg you for a Cracker Barrel guy. That's just not my kink.
Mother Earth's brain spinning is responsible for the aurora borealis.
That's because Shakira's hips speak sanskrit.
Depends on whether the lumberjack is a Shark or a Jet.
MANRA...Mothers Against the National Rifle Association
Every time you misplace your keys or find something not quite right is because the bots didn't quite get everything right.
I vaguely remember a Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episode where each minute of our existence is constructed by faceless automatons. A guy got briefly unstuck from the flow of time and discovered the nature of existence as the bots deconstructed/reconstructed his neighborhood.
This explains the Mandela Effect...5th dimensional beings occasionally pull us out of our existence momentarily to clean our metaphorical fishbowl, then put us back. Our existence goes askew in barely perceptible ways, and we are left wondering.
We can negotiate over their corpses, I suppose.
The magic doesn't happen until the genie is out of the bottle. Sucks if you're allergic to magic, I guess.
Gotta find that sweet spot on the genie's bottle so you can smack him out without having too much of him falling out all over your fries.
Sean Bean was believed to have been the original target of the JFK assassination until his birth certificate proved that he was only 4 years old at the time of the shooting, and his filmography showed he had never even been in a movie depicting the shooting.
Usually ok for cheese. For bread, green or white is technically alright...black or red could kill ya dead.
He is prohibited from using any hair regrowth products due to an early ill-advised sponsorship by Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia! Gotta read that fine print, people!
Geese only ever dream of tormenting people.
Pepsi tried this about 20 years ago, but nobody wanted to drink a brown liquid called "Poopsi," especially from a street vendor. Their domestic Pepsi sales suffered 4.7% that year, assumed to be related. Meanwhile, Cocoa-Cola is just a cheap, welcomed knockoff of Yoohoo.
Is there a word for it when it's like covering everything in gold, except the gold is actually shit?
Pardon me while I build a blanket and pillow fort in my fuck bunker.
"The Fuckening"
Donald "RealScum" Trump #RealScum
I hope California remembers to wipe.
I picture two dogwoods snarling at each other until the farmer removes the fence, then silence.
Incidentally, the IOC and other athletic associations have banned sixth- and seventh-toe prosthetics from all running related competitions. Eighth-toe prosthetic technology is believed to still be at least a decade away from development, even with recent strides in AI-aided design.
The toes are actually the 5-gear transmission of the foot. The big toe is actually the highest gear, so without it you can't shift into overdrive. Unless you add a prosthetic toe to replace the one you lack.
Scottish kiss is how you transmit skull fractures.
If he was schizophrenic, he might insist it were wethane.
It's the rich who have conspired to convince everyone that their taste is dreadful. They actually taste like chicken. Prepare and season them to your liking.
Sooo...gay people make gay people? That sounds biblical, like maybe God would approve even.
👉👈
I'd rather listen to Daryl Strawberry tell me everything he knows about hams.
Did cats tell this to you? Because they're lying...in the sun.
Sounds like the new incarnation of Mr. World from American Gods.
Serenity Now!
And here I thought they were made by a mere man.
What if you are in Tampa Bay and you accidentally snag a Buccaneer on your line?
The proportions are way off. Her legs are about half again too long compared to her torso. It looks like her feet should be just slightly below her knees.
RFK,Jr. is 3 lethal pathogens in a trenchcoat, off to DC to do a business.
Kangaroos have a limited genetic memory, leading to a record-setting species-long game of ground-is-lava. They just don't remember which joey started it or when it's supposed to end...or what the hell lava even is.
I always have some of my best ideas while taking a dump. Imagine what kind of genius plans I can render while imagining taking a dump! I bet that's how Christopher Nolan came up with the idea for Inception.
This needs a thrash metal soundtrack.
Time for a real talker in the entertainment industry to demonstrate their mastery of ASL by silently condemning Trump with a flurry of filmed gestures denouncing his fascist regime. You up for it Fallon? Or maybe we should all agree to dedicate a time each day to collectively flip Trump the bird.
Dictator-flavor.
You'd figure with all the folks with night sweats, they would have already evolved.
He declared himself antisemitic because he thought that meant he was against semisweet chocolate morsels. He preferred the milk chocolate chips in his cookies.
To be fair, Nickels was a bit of an asshole back then.
I was really hoping this was a Letterkenny outtake, once.
At this point, I'd at least like to hear that he sat hard on his balls and ruined his day, but TACO's balls surely aren't that big. Easy to miss, as it were.
"Simon Cowell" is what Ryan Seacrest calls his brainworm. "Ryan Seacrest" is what RFK, Jr. calls his brainworm. "Simon Cowell" is what Simon Cowell calls his own brainworm, not because he's conceited, but because the brainworm is in charge and is trying not to give away the game.
That's ok. Low Quality Facts are typically facetious, and my replies are just one facet of that facetiousness.
They can only understand a French accent. Even when that French accent is in Japanese.
Totally unrealistic. How are none of those tiny men staring up at her crotch?
-expialidocious.
Come test drive the new sleek and stylish VW Bxar.
Tom Arnold
Usually involves an unusually cold car wash, or seeing a Model T naked.
Not until people start dropping their pants in unison.
What if she started parodying her own songs?
If TX Democrats abandon the state and no one is there to see it, do they make a sound?
Occasionally, you find a banana that is relatively straight because someone wanted to make a Bananarama (bananaldo wasn't as catchy and sounded more like a soccer player).
Pointing right at the rim, nice job! He seems to prefer it nutty and brown when he goes to town.
Of course they're building a golden ball pit because Dumpy Trumpy always prefers to use a gilded toilet.
Rugmunchin' is fun! That looks like a couple of chicken fried rawhide sandwiches.
Girls Gone Wild 3, the Musical
Completely decentralize the coming Olympics so everyone can still choose to participate without worrying about being stopped at the border or being harrassed by Trumpf's ICE/Gestapo for being not white enough.
Better yet, lobby the IOC to boycott the games here in America. Hold a scaled-down opening ceremony in Greece, and use past Olympic facilities in various other countries to host different aspects of the games.
Pirates smuggled their junk in their trunk, that's why they called it "booty."
I don't believe in ghosts, but I'd want the specters of a thousand children to haunt every function held at that ballroom and silently shame every attendee until they tear it down. Fuck these gilded twats!
Looks like it belongs on SNL's Weekend Update, with Bill Hader as Stefan telling how the Clocky is an alarm clock you find at TriBeCa's most exclusive nightclub/taco truck, where a midget rides the world's smallest Segway and screams WEEYOOOO WEEYOOOO WEEYOOOO until you bop him on the head .
Venus called off the conjunction and gave the rings back when she caught Saturn dicking around with Uranus.
Avatar 13: MONORAIL!!! youtu.be/mSoa1b-yBUY?...
That's why Prince sang about Purple Reign.
Make America Racist - Again - Larcenous Adulterer Got Office
Explosive diarrhea. He was holding it up to his face when it popped like a balloon.
Trying to get better reception on his implant. I bet he can see the Russian Embassy from that vantage.
I wanted to say "give her the ol' jailhouse mastectomy!" but it makes me feel icky suggesting that specific level of targeted female violence. So, I guess give her a good ol' fashioned Marine Corps Code Red nightly until she starts dropping dimes on Trumpf and the other bajillionaire shitbag pedos.
youtu.be/lKjkc5NW2dA?...
Sometimes it's actually Danny DeVito wearing a George Clooney suit, and he'll just crawl out his shirt all oily and sweaty and naked like he's clawing his way out of a leather sofa.
They prefer to wear Coke, but they prefer to drink Crystal Pepsi. youtu.be/2za2IK8FQoM?...
Undoubtedly, Trumpf will stamp his name on all the china and fancy silver and gold that goes along with the ballroom/gilded party dump. Have it all destroyed, lest it become a collectible, like swastica-stamped dinnerware from Hitler's Eagle's Nest.
If there's any justice in this country, the Trumpf stain will be erased from the White House when he is gone. The concrete/pavers monstrosity will be removed and restored to the traditional Rose Garden, and the East Wing will likewise be restored, regardless of cost (make the billionaires pay).
The average Monday flunked math and moves its lips when it reads.
Olympic torch bearers must run backwards, carrying a bucket of kerosene in the other hand so that if they fall, the next torch bearer in the relay may light theirs from the flaming corpse of the unfortunate lefty.
...on the Sabbath. You must have a gentile do your twerking for you from dusk until the dawn after the Sabbath.
What if I only have an Android?
He's like the lovechild of Dave Attel and Nick Cage...I can't look away!
Charlie Chaplin was played by Will Ferrell, and it was for a Gibson's Fine Dry Vermouth commercial that couldn't air on TV because of network standards in 1975.
They forgot houndstooth, paisley, and Scot's tartan.