What a cutie ❤️🩹
resident pantologist https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:3dg5zlv5v6tbzizwatnunvwu/feed/aaabx33niyxtm
3,840 followers 830 following 3,184 posts
view profile on Bluesky
What a cutie ❤️🩹
I’m way too pretty to have to work all the time like this
can’t wait for his announcement to just be something like “my new secretary of the interior is toby from the office”
my phone should say thank you when i charge it
I never make the same mistake twice unless it was really really fun the first time
Woo me, you bitch
Every time I press reset password another brain cell gets its wings.
Jacuzzis are just people soup bowls.
Read an article? What, and ruin the headline?
Send me a trustworthy companion human to take me on a quest
Just once I’d like to be used for good instead of evil.
dressed up like a Fraggle for work this morning, and no one at the office seemed to notice
I painted a picture of us mid coitus on a cave wall, please respond
I’ll tell you what I know about subatomic particles, very little
Pistachios, aka tree clams.
Bajillion dollar idea: a maximum wage
i know the earth isnt flat because no company is trying to sell me a trip to see the edge of it
Love how dentists say “a little pressure” right before they attempt carpentry inside your skull.
Show me on this cat calendar the last time you got laid.
Sorry I hugged you when you told me to embrace my mistakes.
This year has flown by like a passing kidney stone.
sorry, i dont have the executive function i need to take my executive function drugs
Wake up assholes, this shit show needs you
They should make an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia where Mark Hamill turns out to be Rickety Crickets long lost father
I blame it all on that 36% THC weed I’ve been smokin
caprese salad: for when you want to eat a block of cheese but call it a salad
Alexa, hold me and lie to me that everything is going to be ok.
my ears ring at a pitch more divine than the other girls'
Bruce Springsteen: Hey little girl, is your daddy home? I’ve been trying to reach him about his car’s extended warranty
Monday-ass feeling Tuesday
I think we have enough Sylvia Plath in our vows, babe
Thanks to bluesky, I've upped my eye rolling game by like 87-89%.
*leaves house in the morning* NEIGHBOR: Good morning! *goes back in house, locks doors, sets alarms, closes shades*
Me: Your profile said you had a piercing. Her: That’s a typo. It’s supposed to say “piercing scream.”
I said I was into resting. Not interesting
I open Netflix like a refrigerator, not looking for anything specific but with the hope of finding something that fills the void.
christ on a cracker for breakfast again
if you come over we can 96 (nap back to back toe to head)
Owning a winning lottery ticket would fix me.
Sorry I’m late but I got here when I wanted to.
Bluesky needs investors? I invest my time and mental illness here every day.
I dunno man this place doesn’t feel dead to me
ADHD is that thing where you spend about a quarter of your life looking for your wallet, which is either in your pocket or in the fridge.
There aren’t enough pop songs about cutting coupons.
The skeletons in my closet are high on edibles and covered in peanut butter
For a particularly elegant touch to your wardrobe, ensure your pubes are always visible.
Them: Stop acting weird. Me: Acting?
*trapped in quicksand, slowly disappearing Fuck yes.
When I die, release my search history as a limited Netflix docuseries
I don’t even see the name Georgie Porgie Pudding Pie on the sex offenders list. Probably an alias.
dear september, wrap me in calm & ease
Me: I’m really struggling with folding this fitted sheet. Her: Idiot...those are my panties.
Idle hands are for rolling the devil's lettuce.
Make the most of hitting rock bottom by looking for agates
i used to put ketchup on mac & cheese if you’re looking for a girl with a refined palate
Welcome to your 50s. No one knows how, but you’ve screenshot your home screen three times today. Again.
it isn't illegal to sleep for 10 hours and then take 2 naps during the day you're allowed to do that
Realizing my inner monologue thinks of me as just a very unreliable output terminal.
my left hip lies but my right one doesn’t
Your teenage years are for exploring and making mistakes. Your 20s are for getting really into one specific tv show. Your 30s are for venturing to the ancient lost city so you can recover the accursed cryptex from the devious colonel. Your 40s are about buying and wearing different kinds of sweaters
i'm not mysterious i'm napping
I don’t want to sound overly impatient, but it’s been September 1st for several hours now, and the leaves on the trees remain yet unchanged.
kid: I feel funny, mom mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school son
I ate two donuts and actually, yes, I do have regrets
When driving, I feel it’s important to get acquainted with every curb.
Allow me to overthink that for you
Having the hardest time shaking the feeling that we left something behind in the 70s
happy labor day to all the moms that went through it to bring assholes like myself into this existence
Welcome to September The world is still a dumpster fire but with warm apple cider
Yeah, I got a bad habit of being myself.
Imagine how long history classes will be in 100 years
Being a holiday grinch I’m still trying to figure out how to for Labor Day.
When the fridge makes that loud humming noise, I like to think it’s sighing about how hard my life choices have been.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
No sudden movements, I’m unpredictable.
i am too serious a person to make poop jokes *burp*
holding a toddler's sticky hand is one of life's greatest joys
when i’m president we’re putting jeff bezos in a hot sauce dunk tank for labor day and he can’t come out until he’s dead or broke
ᴵ ᵂᴬᴺᵀ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴼᶠ ᵀᴴᴵˢ ᶜᴿᴬᶜᴷ I shout as I swallow the last bite of my Heath bar
catch a tiger by the toe? are you insane?
I plan to continue my search for vengeance this year.
roll into september with your twat chakra aligned ✨
"Tattoos are stupid and a waste of money" So are NFTs and crypto, loser 🥰
don’t talk to me until
working today because I spell labour with a 'u'
Many people don’t know this, but every time you defeat one of your haters you gain the use of their weapon.
Like Mother always said, what kind of whore wears white after Labor Day?
keep all my homies’ info in a brolladex
What could you possibly want with my amulet bro you wouldn’t even know how to wield it’s power
I would do absolutely anything for my friends, unless it's slightly inconvenient or boring
my 5 year plan is to pretend like the last 5 years were a figment of my imagination
if the weed is good enough for the sea, it’s good enough for me
State Farm isn’t a real farm and now im apparently an “asshole” for “wrangling cattle” directly into their call center
I like to say “I’ll think about it” when I already decided absolutely not
Bring out your dead, please. We are going to need them for the three legged race.
It's the first day of September. You may now start with your "Wake me up when September ends" skeets.
Yes I’m wearing four backpacks stacked. Move along or I will start spinning
not a single fucking beanie baby ever wore a beanie i'm fucken OUTRAGED
Pour one out for my white patent leather loafers and belt. Rest well you kings of summer patios, you princes of parquet dance floors
People love to assume you’re inherently evil when really you’re just under the psychic control of a dark wizard with nefarious plans