Jerk me off like you’re trying to start a lawn mower or don’t waste my time.
this is our world, we don't just live in it https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:b2vvv3yl4de2cbxfspo7j3ek/feed/aaabix6ueztkw
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Jerk me off like you’re trying to start a lawn mower or don’t waste my time.
gotta wait until it's ripe
conservative estimates
I don’t believe in farting, so I’m slowly turning into a gigantic blueberry. 🫐
Better ask an expert
so worth it
I asked ChatGPT to eat me and like all my worst exes she refused so I broke up with Ai forever because how fucking dare she.
we can get a little ahead of ourselves, as a treat
Oh how I pine for the days...
...and your thoughts
don't go changin' or whatever people in their 30s say
i mean yum
Everyone has a second full time job being mad at the government now
On the day It happens, I had some ideas on setting up a block party in my neighborhood. Out of the 19 homes in our area, 15 are on board with joining in on the idea. One has offered to set out their kegs of home-brewed beer. My job will be providing music. Oh, what a beautiful idea.
i love a good entirely fictional movie that opens with a “the following is based on a true story” disclaimer. that’s the good stuff
Every pumpkin spice latte I drink is just me bribing my seasonal depression to shut up for 20 minutes.
too busy doing the work to be stressed about it
I've been MIA because an actual dove hunter took out the internet to most of my area. How is this even real life?
I think the dead air was more entertaining than their boring self congratulatory masturbation ritual
brb i gotta stand in the shower until all the sin is gone
It's the little things (the mites that live on your eyelashes)
HIM: goddamn, you say the sweetest things ME: *puts away liner notes by Phil Collins* you bring that side out of me
has anyone seen my Gary, i coulda swore i left him here
Still waiting for my superpowers from eating all that radioactive shrimp.
It’s okay, spicy ramen, I didn’t need that uvula anyway. A hindrance, really
*popping over to the neighbor's to borrow a cuppa hindsight
not show, nor tell, but a secret third thing
something akin to an electrical connection
It’s the day after Labour Day which means I can no longer wear white granny panties.
if you come over we can 96 (nap back to back toe to head)
i mean ..I really thought it would deter me from ever using it
just got my ass kicked by the tupperware drawer again
by all indications, butterflies
[me flirting] come over im making lasagna
*removes bag of frozen peas from black eye* your reaction to my wink tells me all i need to know about how feel about me *puts frozen peas back over black eye*
failing to say it right because the only way to really say it right is by slowly sliding in all the way breaking eye contact only to feel it fully and completely connected
Carrying a conversation counts as cardio
silence wins😐
no stipulations on my joy -a mantra
my kinda award
*gives you the only tool that can hurt me*
My back hurts but my tits are perfect
and then s'more
you deserve a medal
yeah
work cut into my nap time and now once again tired at the beginning of the end of the day
every time someone publicly shits on bsky, Alf's hog only becomes more powerful
why do women gotta be like that (complimentary)
I feel like the old woman who swallowed a fly was probably just attention seeking
that's v sweet of them
operating room!? ohno
i'm not saying i'm one dimensional, but i really hope it comes through in my skeets
Canadians: Happy Labour Day! Americans: There’s no u in Labor Day. Canadians: Happy Labor Day, asshoules!
I'll take my garlic breath where it's more appreciated
let me refresh your memory
I got ratioed twice last night
idols indiana jones wasn’t expecting: thread
idols indiana jones wasn’t expecting: thread
get ready to regret ur decisions
sorry i tried to give you mouth to mouth when your internet went down, and also for unplugging your router
wait that isn't what we've been doing?
feel how light u are
this shouldn't be so hard ya little rascal
complication logging in
if ai has no haters, i have died
[7/11 employee] ma'am- [me climbing into the hotdog roller] it'll fix me
jizzable chin ya got there, be a shame if someone missed it
The feminine urge to sit on your face.
what if our tongues touched in the $5 dvd bin at walmart
What if our buttholes touched in the $5 DVD bin at Walmart?
I had a Labour Day joke but I couldn’t deliver it.
when i start to wonder how i will know if i don't try, i remind me, i will know
i call this one rain on glass
One thing about me is I have no idea what I'm doing
kind..of:)
*record scratch*
how am I supposed to not stare at you? it’s asking too much, tbh.
working today because I spell labour with a 'u'
What’s a little hair pull between friends
I’m the you on his to do list.
*sitting on your face* GOOD MORNING
big breasts titties
y'all are so sweet i forgot what i came here to say, oh wait i remember, ppl are terrible
Yeah man
erections? i'm on it desserts? just
More skeets about buildings and food.
merry Christmas 🎄 (too soon?)
self-leveling cock
who up regulating their emotions with candy
Regular Sunday: ugh tomorrow is Monday. Holiday Monday Sunday: I am immortal. Nothing can hurt me.
i do take requests.. i don't do anything with them but i do take them
how about i sit on your face about it
too tired for public consumption but not nearly unwound enough to stfu and go to bed about
that's the gist of it..but so much deeper
she tastes like pachelbel's canon in d sounds to me
the way she grips my wrist when it's almost too much feels like home
i hope no one asks me what it means and just a) assumes by the looks of it or b) googles it