They should let the weather man swear. "I have 3 words for your forecast today: Total. Fucking. Bullshit."
I'm Lex. I write books that are "full of gore and evil" according to one reader. http://ltvargus.com/books My stupid posts: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:uesz4twpjyxhawilgwhdgndr/feed/aaadwblv2k7uq
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They should let the weather man swear. "I have 3 words for your forecast today: Total. Fucking. Bullshit."
Soup is great because it’s like a warm salty bath for my mouth
I will feed you spaghetti when you’re too old to chew and sit upright. Letting gravity release the prechewed Italian staple into your gaping, rattling mouth
she’s in your DMs; i’m standing in front of you, rapping the entirety of “paul revere”. we are not the same.
72% of all Caucasian males host a podcast.
Thinking of all the ways I'm going to start taking my health more seriously as I eat a fried leftover taco bell burrito.
Bet I’d absolutely destroy a penguin in a race around the world
Is that a banana in your pocket or more the standard lemon-lime situation.
Knowing my luck if I'm reincarnated I'll just come back as me again
"Still punk as fuck" I whisper as I slide a new pair of orthotic inserts into my chuck taylors
Apps need more premium plan popups. I’m not familiar enough with your premium plans. I need to be reminded hourly please. Never let me forget that you offer a premium plan.
think twice? i think not
🎵Smooth Terminator🎵
Sorry my brain is a piece of shit, I've been online since the 90s
One of my really stupid bucket list items is to do a cartwheel but I am too scared I'm going to fall and break my face
It was the most athletic thing I've ever done
I never miss an opportunity to brag about the time I did 3 pull-ups in 9th grade gym class
I should be able to get a ride on a fire truck if they’re already going that way
The collective noun for gatherings of 2 or more people is a nope.
it's impossible to fold a fitted sheet cake
The muesli that fell in my bra is for later. Mind your business.
i’ve come to the realization that the only happiness i can experience in life is when i have to go somewhere & the thing i have to go to gets canceled. my wife: we’re still going to my sister’s birthday party. me: you are leading me down the path of true sadness.
Gly'xor the Child Eater doesn't do that stuff anymore. That was a long time ago
Nothing could have prepared me for the joy of having the exact right size container for some leftovers
I love how the "Setup Wizard" has persisted long after it became commonplace for a program to install itself without issues. Always enjoy a visit from the Setup Wizard 🧙
The dentist is fun because I can go in with my face pierced and my throat tattooed and they're still going to hide the needles, in case I get scared.
They should invent a dish towel that dries the dishes
Your email finds me scratching furiously at a mosquito bite inside my belly button
I bought an old elementary school phys-ed parachute, but these squirrels share neither my nostalgia nor my enthusiasm.
Today, I shall mostly be pumping my pillows full of spray cheese so that my dreams are filled with cheddary deliciousness.
I worked all weekend so now my brain thinks every day is Thursday and/or Saturday.
can’t sleep, thinking about soup too much
If you mean "die of gonorrhea" then yes, I "wish the best" for all my enemies
do not pray for me no thank you
I wish no ill will on the people who block or mute me. Hopefully their genitals fall off, but other than that, no ill will.
it's not that you're unlovable it's just you're no calzone don't take it personally
The goth Duolingo avatar is dragging me for being a Swiftie.
I once heard tales of a man who could believe it wasn't butter. They beat him to death with hams in the back of a cracker barrel
Source? The stars, big dawg
Gonna open my own grocery shop called Hole Foods. We sell donuts, bagels, Swiss cheese. Items of that sort.
Ok targeted ads. No need to be mean.
A heating pad suit that cooks my body in the mornings
Thank you!
I have to brag about this peach tart I made because usually my desserts taste great but look like someone stepped on them
oh no, someone on the internet was mean to me. has anyone else ever have that happen to them?
WFH stands for working from hell
they should make a everlasting meatball
ME: my feet have red dots all over them DR: did you wear crocs to the beach again
*reading the evening newspaper in front of my family* ah yes, the news...right, family? & it's here for all of us to enjoy. let’s have a look at the first story, shan we? okay, you caught me, i can’t read.
I much prefer men who don't find me attractive, they're somehow so much smarter.
I don't have time for wallabies. You're either a kangaroo or you're not.
People get big mad when you do social media the way you want to.
Megahertz happens when you get your floppy disc caught in your Zip drive.
Self-actualization is better than love, I say, having experienced neither one.
There’s absolutely nothing stopping me from having another bowl of chili. Even the deep state is powerless in this scenario.
Spotted the first Spirit Halloween open in town IT'S SPOOKY SEASON BITCHES LET'S GOOOOOOOO 💀🎃🦇👹👻🧙♀️🧛⚰️
I’m a joker I’m a smoker And I love Al Roker Tells me when it’s rain or sun
my spider shower is my homeboy
gotta remember to tell my kids that when I die they need to go into my notes app and post all of my unskeeted skeets as a special post mortem treat for all of you
Maintenance is here to fix a leaky patio door issue and when they arrived I was still in bed and they’re both muscly and smell like aftershave. And while I admire their professionalism, it’s still pretty rude that things didn’t erupt into a porno.
The fellow in charge of the 360 days without an accident sign fell from a ladder while changing the numbers.
Anyone else wonder if they categorize porn by using the gooey despicable system?
I refuse to play along when a child is pretending. “Oh, the phone is for me? Reality check, idiot. That’s a banana.”
Whenever I find my way out of this corn maze, there will be hell to pay. God bless.
My cat explores cabinets as if each one might be the one that leads to narnia
I bet the guy that started the saying "more than one way to skin a cat" was a real jerk
[to marriage counselor] Who's winning
please excuse that reply guy, he doesn't understand your ways, he lived his entire life in an isolated village that didn't have access to jokes
hold me in your hand and put me close to your lips like all the TikTok people do with their fuzzy mics (I am fuzzy and need love, too!)
Dune 3 (The Piña Colada Song) If you like piña coladas And don’t remember the rain If you’re not into stillsuits And don’t have spice on the brain
I’m a little concerned by all this lust for life I mean where is the wrath envy and sloth for life let’s keep things balanced people
If you build it, I will fall off of it.
(finding out the main character of the day didn’t follow me on here) I always knew there was something off about them
Technically anything compostable you can just throw on your neighbor's lawn.
HR: we’ve had some complaints about your Gollum impersonations, they’re disruptive and quite frankly, terrible Me: *falls to the floor* it burns us, it burns us HR: …
Throwing a bucket of paint on everything that cures loneliness because that's how you find invisible things and maybe even nudity itself
Air frying is practically cruely free cos the food just feels like it's getting tickled to death
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there's no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Computer Scientist Inventing AI: What if we made this computational device bad at computations?
if i follow you and you are a piece of shit you are legally obligated to inform me of that
For my years of service, my employer will soon be presenting me a plague.
bet sharks accidentally eating humans instead of seals is like biting into a raisin cookie expecting it to be chocolate chip.
I bought you a sword please respond.
As a therapist I am legally and ethically unable to call my client's parents and say, 'Your bullshit is costing your kid close to 500 a month. Would you please just FUCKING SAY GOOD JOB?'
Look, I know some of you are just trying to have fun but I desperately need to dump my feelings on you and talk about how your joke failed to properly address them
Peak boomer is typing a message into the email subject line
It is INFURIATING when you get mostly through a video game only to find you've been totally neglecting an easily-missed mechanic that REQUIRES you to BUILD RELATIONSHIPS with other characters in order to get the BEST OUTCOME because this is also what happened to me in REAL LIFE
Alexa, set loose the dogs of war.
Imagine hating me when I’m over here eating pickled jalapeño pepper slices straight out of the jar to make sure I get enough vegetables.
A new bsky specific ad campaign with the slogan: we have the skeets! Arby's marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I don't want to see the news I just want to dissociate in peace
*has a tea party with the skeletons in my closet
I don’t trust anyone anymore I watch too many crime documentaries
*crawling through your doggie door* are you mad at me?
I get the neighborhood news from the chattering of squirrels
Stirring my hot cocoa with a stick of butter
Sitting in a corner with a blanket thrown over me until I have something to say.
wash those feelings down with your wine darling ~ me as a therapist
Meant to say ‘Thank you’ to my Uber driver but instead I said ‘I love you’ and now I have a date to meet his parents on Sunday