"It's not genocide." - people committing genocide
Jokes by John Hartzell. He/him.
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"It's not genocide." - people committing genocide
A WARNING FOR DONALD TRUMP: Not everyone is as stupid as your voters or as chickenshit as your Republicans.
"Take him, Lord. Take him now. Take him take him take him."
I can't wait for Trump supporters to lecture me about respecting the dead.
Donald Trump is a Republican president. Of course he trashed the economy.
Left: Dead Kennedy Right: Braindead Kennedy
"I know what a healthy child is supposed to look like. I’m looking at kids as I walk through the airports today... and I know that’s not how our children are supposed to look." - this guy, who looks like a ballsack with eyes
Thoughts and prayers are as effective at keeping shooters out of schools as they are at keeping pedophiles out of the White House.
During a school shooting, children hide under their desks. After a school shooting, Republicans hide under theirs.
BREAKING: Crackers get their barrel back.
"I have the right to do anything I want to do. I'm the president of the United States." – Donald Trump, who in a better world would have the right to remain silent
"We send hundreds of millions of gallons of water a day into the Pacific Ocean. They turn a valve and the valve heads out. And we turned the valve back. I actually had to do it using force. We turned the valve back and now they have water." - take a fucking guess
If we can't burn flags, can we at least burn pedophiles?
Donald Trump's hand obviously doesn't have the miraculous regenerative powers of his ear.
If burning an American flag gets you a year in prison, how long does tearing one down and replacing it with a Trump flag get you?
PHOTO: Locals respond to Donald Trump's threat to send National Guard troops to Chicago.
A question for Trump supporters: Was the racism, sexism, and hate really worth the complete financial ruin?
Republicans on the Titanic: "It's just a little ice." Later: "It's just a little crack." Later: "It's just a little water." Later: "Get out of my lifeboat."
"I never witnessed [Donald Trump] in any inappropriate setting in any way. [He] was never inappropriate with anybody. He was a gentleman in all respects." - Ghislaine Maxwell, lying child rapist trying to avoid the fate of her last business partner
Fascism is still fascism, even when it happens to fascists.
The Reservoir Dogs remake sucks ass.
Schools were not forcing kids to have transgender surgery. Babies were not being aborted after they were born. Migrants were not crossing the border to vote for Kamala Harris. Donald Trump is a pathological liar and, if you believed this shit, you are a pathological dumbass.
UNFUN FACT: MAGA is more upset about the new Cracker Barrel logo than their president raping children.
"An evil man will burn his own nation to the ground to dork dance on the ashes."
History teachers: "Those who fail to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it." Republicans: "We're counting on it."
WORST SUPERVILLAIN ORIGIN EVER: Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is bitten by a radioactive shrimp and stays exactly the same.
I'm old enough to remember when Republican politicians could say slavery was bad without alienating their base.
President Zelenskyy: "Why does it smell like rapist in here?"
ANSWERS TO TODAY'S POP QUIZ 1. Donald Trump is in the Epstein files. 2. Donald Trump is in the Epstein files. 3. Donald Trump is in the Epstein files. 4. Donald Trump is in the Epstein files. 5. Donald Trump is in the Epstein files. 6. Donald Trump is in the Epstein files.
Dipsy beams with pride as he shows his fancy hat to the rest of the Teletubbies. (Oops, wrong photo.)
Donald Trump is trying to end mail-in ballots because they combine two of his least favorite things: fair elections and reading.
"I swear, Melania, every time I had sex with another woman I was thinking of you or Ivanka."
"If you touch any law enforcement officer, we will come after you." - Attorney General Pam Bondi, whose boss pardoned Peter Schwartz
SHOCKER: An economic strategy that was guaranteed to make shit more expensive is making shit more expensive.
Why should I worry about who's crossing the border when these assholes are already here?
SHOWN: Republicans when Democrats do the same shit they do.
The "sanctity of marriage" is being defended by a thrice-divorced criminal whose parents were a Mickey's big mouth and a ferret.
Yeah, cool, you're in the Epstein files.
"Our capital city has been overtaken by violent gangs and bloodthirsty criminals." - Donald Trump, bloodthirsty criminal whose violent gang has overtaken our capital city
How can one stage hold up so much stupid?
SHOWN: B&B hosts who consider a box of Dunkin’ Munchkins a "continental breakfast."
"Did you guys see the latest South Park?"
Nancy Mace: "It's not fair to fact-check me when you know I don't use any."
Republicans love pedophiles so much they're letting one ruin the economy.
Cancelling $500 million in vaccine research is exactly what a virus would do if it ran the Department of Health and Human Services.
BREAKING: Jasmine Crockett called piece of shit Donald Trump a "piece of shit."
Republicans: "Vaccine policy should be dictated by an antivax zealot turned political hack with no medical pedigree whose brain by his own admission was partially devoured by a tapeworm."
"I locked myself out on the roof. Send someone up with keys and a fresh Depends."
Vladimir Putin: "How do you blackmail someone that everyone knows rapes children?"
"Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!"
"You have reached the White House Sexual Assault Hotline. If you were sexually assaulted by Donald Trump, press one. If you were sexually assaulted by Pete Hegseth, press two. If you were sexually assaulted by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., press three…"
Do you all realize how close we came to having a president who wouldn't have commented on Sydney Sweeney's hotness?
TOP 50 FACTS ABOUT TARIFFS 1: They're paid by Americans. 2 through 50: See No. 1.
SELF-CARE TIP: If you're not JD Vance, periodically remind yourself that at least you're not JD Vance.
Melania Trump did this to the White House rose garden so her husband couldn't bury her there.
On the plus side, if Donald Trump is ever diagnosed with a serious but treatable disease, he'll just fire the doctor.
Today's Republican Party is almost completely defined by how far they'll go to protect a pedophile.
In their defense, the authors of the Constitution could never have predicted that American voters would be this stupid.
BREAKING: After receiving an unflattering jobs report, Donald Trump appointed Ghislaine Maxwell to be the new Commissioner of Labor Statistics.
While we're deporting people, we should deport any criminal with more that 30 felony convictions.
Refusing to release the Epstein files because they incriminate Donald Trump is exactly what a Deep State would do.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And stupid. We should be scared shitless of stupid.
Donald Trump: "I'm going to raise tariffs and make everything more expensive for no reason." MAGA: "I can't afford to support my family because Joe Biden made schoolchildren trans."
Donald Trump Jr. looks like he could snort cocaine off his own tits.
FROM. AMERICANS. YOU. FUCKING. SHIT. HEADS.
"For years I wouldn't talk to Jeffrey Epstein. He did something that was inappropriate. He stole people that worked for me." – Donald Trump, just in case you thought he stopped talking to Epstein because of the child sex trafficking
BREAKING: The White House IT department has installed an app on Donald Trump's phone that allows him to pardon pedos with a single click.
BREAKING: Donald Trump has negotiated a landmark trade agreement with the European Union that will guarantee Americans pay more for shit.
"What'll you have, the Rape Basket or the Pedo Platter?"
SHOWN: Best friends Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein best-friending.
MAGA: "My savings were destroyed by Trump's tariffs and general incompetence with the economy. Oh well, I didn't really want to retire anyway." MAGA's boss: "This company's profits were destroyed by Trump's tariffs and general incompetence with the economy. You're fired."
Republicans: "The mainstream media keeps showing the same 50-plus photos of Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein together like it's some kind of proof they knew each other."
On a scale from "not at all" to "not even the tiniest bit" how surprised are you that Lauren Boebert raised a child abuser?
They lobotomized the wrong Kennedy.
"The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command." - George Orwell, 1984
BELOW: Donald Trump signs a posthumous pardon for Ghislaine Maxwell.
Ozzy Osbourne dies: "Rest in peace, Ozzy Osbourne." Hulk Hogan dies: "Rest in peace, Ozzy Osbourne."
BREAKING: Tulsi Gabbard still exists, and is still garbage.
Ohio State Rape Victims.
Donald Trump is the long COVID of presidents.
"These documents prove my innocence? They must never see the light of day." - no innocent person ever
TODAY'S ENGLISH LESSON: PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE TENSE PAST: Donald Trump was a pedophile. PRESENT: Donald Trump is a pedophile. FUTURE: Donald Trump will be a pedophile.
"May every day be another wonderful secret." - Donald Trump to Jeffrey Epstein, like any guy to another guy he barely knows
The same people who obsessed over a tan suit, a private email server, and an autopen are strangely indifferent to the possibility that their president raped children.
Of course, Jeffrey Epstein had a client list. If he didn't write that stuff down, he would've had to memorize it. In that case, the only way to keep it from coming out would be to kill Epstein in prison, and you'd have to be the president or something to pull that off. Oh.
BELOW: Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein just hoaxing around.
UNFUN FACT: The paste-eating, nose-picking, lunch-stealing, fart-lighting, animal-torturing racist troglodytes who used to sit in the back of Health class and giggle stupidly are now in charge of everything.
Donald Trump fell asleep at an energy conference because of course he did.
These hacks are letting Donald Trump dismantle the Department of Education so future generations won't be smart enough to know how corrupt they were.
In 1944, a Nazi would have said these guys were suffering from Hitler Derangement Syndrome.
TODAY'S PUZZLE: Epstein client word find
BREAKING: Elon Musk is integrating Grok AI into the navigation system of every new Tesla, allowing them to drive unassisted to the nearest Klan meeting.
What's the difference between Merrick Garland and cholesterol? Cholesterol could still finish the job.
SHOWN: The guy who could release the Epstein files anytime he wanted and the guy he had killed.
FLASHBACK: One year ago today, this was staged, I mean happened.
Megyn Kelly is the Ann Coulter of Eva Brauns.
What are children supposed to think when the president of the United States routinely says and does things that would get them sent to the principal's office or a juvenile detention center?
Imagine thinking your leader is the ultimate alpha male but still having to use AI so he doesn't look like a pile of orange and shit sherbet.
