Sometimes I long for my days in hell along with the femboys
You cannot stop the Moe-mentum š¤
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Sometimes I long for my days in hell along with the femboys
I was the #1 Mr. Bean impersonator in all of Indochina from 2015-2017. The King of Thailand eventually had me chased out of south east Asia after I tricked him into thinking his elephant was laying eggs
If any of you are the so-called āSuccubus of Bangaloreā please stop emailing me asking if I would like your services I have contracts with enough succubi to last me 10,000 years
I used my powers to look into the future and saw that I had finished writing the post 45 minutes from then
Just got cursed by a Californian Pine Warlock. My hands have been turned into tree branches for 12 hours. It took me 45 minutes to type this with my big honkinā schnoz.
That was the least hostile of my nicknames in high school
Rabbinical wizards used their magic to make me roll my ankle while hiking up Mount Lukens. It will take 12 Moe-bots 13 hours to carry me back down. I am fucking fuming
Iāve run the experiments and Ds work the best for me
They worked when I was a kid but not anymore
Whenever Iām in need of an energy boost I down 6 or 7 D batteries, old trick Uncle McDongle taught me
This labor day I will be forcing the homeless man that keeps stealing from my garbage to perform the 12 Labors of Hercules If he passes I will give him the Kiss of God
My niece just used her powers to make Joe Biden spontaneously ejaculate until he had to receive a transfusion of 50 units of blood
I can hear the future and all it speaks is āMoeā
Sorry honey, the latex gloves stay on during vaginal stimulation hour.
I have taken into account every effect known and unknown to man. I call it āMoeās Unified Field Theoryā
The statue itself wonāt rotate, but it will make the Earth underneath rotate around the axis of the statue making it appear as if it is spinning clockwise
I am committed to becoming the Mustafa Kemal AtatĆ¼rk of LA county The Hollywood sign will be replaced with a massive rotating statue of my beautiful head
Going on a hunger strike until shawty freaks on me.
Just wait until Iāve got my needles in it, then we will see
Today I feel like coveting my neighborās hog
Now that would put a smile on my face
Thank you Disco, though Iām afraid Iāll have to travel back in time again and kill a past version of myself
Canāt give them any chance to get away
Nothing against Michigan specifically, I just canāt control myself when I see an M on the road that doesnāt stand for Moe
Thatās number 11 and 12
The Moe Ottis Filipino Friendship project has hit another major roadblock. Turns out I look identical to an ancient Filipino folklore demon. The worst part is, Iāve abused my Time Machine so much that the demon might actually be me
Iāve been around far longer than you might think
Many have been begging. So here it is! šThe official Moe meat tier list. š„© (May be updated in the future. We'll see what I sink my teeth into down the road. Lot's of things end up in my gullet.)
One of the bone variety
As a result of a failed lawsuit against the DuPont company (their Kevlar did not protect me against a homunculus attack) the State of Delaware now owes 56% of my liver They send me a bill for damages every time I drink a beer
If I moved out, the neighborhood would statistically become the safest in the country. But I canāt make it too easy for these people
Thereās a few different license plates that I will run off the road no matter what. Here they are in order of urgency. 1. Nebraska 2. Saskatchewan 3. Michigan 4. Missouri 5. South Carolina 6. Montana 7. Manitoba 8. Maine 9. Rhode Island 10. Missouri again
Someone tried to stop the Moe-mentum today. Their temporal bone is now a hood ornament on my 2003 Toyota Corolla.
I was forcibly sent to an institution for rehabilitating inhuman creatures in 1998. Upon reaching the council who would inevitably decide my fate, I convinced them I was a rare species of homunculi. After 16 weeks of bargaining, they tossed my limp body through a portal into an alleyway in Dublin.
My hog was actually planning on running for Congress next year under the Democratic banner. I think heās got a real shot
No store wants to sell my patented Moe Soap made from the rendered fat of all the angels God has sent to punish me
Thatās how I programmed him
I think we have a winner folks, looks like Iāve got dinner for tonight sorted
I see. Iām reaching out to my friends in the Chinese military to order a double tap orbital strike on the last man standing the moment he crawls out of the hog den. Heāll have no idea what hit him
Yāall got no idea how to have fun until youāve gone clamming after being awake for 96 hours.
The hog is biochemically programmed to be loyal to me and only me (none of my clones) forever, Iām not that concerned
My fingers are pretty meaty but I donāt know if two taps could take them out. Maybe if I use my thumb I could put a good dent in their temple
There are 12 federal agents standing at my door Fortunately, they are standing right on top of a trap door that leads to a very hungry mutant hog Unfortunately, the hog only has an appetite for 11 agents at a time Any suggestions on what to do about the last one?
Iāve been belting dweebs until their blood congeals since 2018 and I will never stop
Went to the lowest Yelp rated Witch in LA today to try to get rid of witches illness. I am not cured and I now have something she called āOodle Feverā
Iām just a beast like that
Just slashed the tires of every car parked on my street using my own teeth
The British Government has poisoned eleven of my family members with sarin nerve gas in order to get closer to my secret Jammy Dodger recipe.
Youāre the kind of person that understands the Moe Mind. Youāre gonna go far in life
My 3rd wife tried to kill herself over flappy bird. The only thing that saved her was the drawer in my bedroom full of 99 empty revolvers and 1 loaded revolver. This allowed me enough time to inject her with 1.2 litres of hydrocodone.
I sent a message into the dreams of every single federal agent last night, showing them the horrors that await them if they try to enforce their draconian regulations on my unlicensed Hogmeat Burger stand again
I won a gold medal in the jacking off Olympics in 2006 but George Bush took it away from me
The first amendment has been fucking shot and buried in a ditch
The fuck is an aquarium for if you canāt actually fish in it. GIVE ME BACK MY FISHING ROD YOU BASTARDS! @montereybayaquarium.org
My brother, Ephebediah Ottis, was killed by a lynch mob for wearing a zoot suit in 1998
Iām eating mold spores for breakfast tomorrow, new fad diet I just discovered
Iāve been infected with witches illness
Iāve got frog legs
Got a sidebitch named Mildred in Reno
Paid my respects to the smoking crater that used to by my neighbor John's house. Left him the number of a good ghost hooker so his spirit can get some ghoulish top to make up for me blowing him up
Kid on my block set up a lemonade stand yesterday and only made forty bucks. Today he set up a trimethoxyphenethylamine stand and just cleared two grand. And it aināt even 1pm! Now thatās what I like to see in todayās youth. This kidās goinā places.
Today I am going to drink so many In-N-Out milkshakes that Iāll reach critical mass and collapse into a black hole
Found a being made of pure light. Cut off its toe and crushed it into a fine powder and snorted that shit good! God is unhappy with me (again *sigh*) and the archangels are coming
Stray cat wandered into my house last night. Looks like God has gifted old Moe a brand new rug to spice up this dump
I owe $530,000,000,000 to the United States government, but Iām hoping that I can hold out long enough for society to fall and the USD to collapse. Then will come the age of Moe Bucks
Thatās what Iāve been saying
Found a bitch that squirts formic acid out of her snatch I have been searching for fucking years
I had to kill thousands of my clones a few months ago because their whole āMoe Ethnostateā idea wasnāt actually a funny joke. After they took over a small area east of Malibu, I dropped a Moe Industries ā¢ thermonuclear warhead on them. Only a single pinky toe from clone 87-C was left.
I donāt have anything planned for today. If I get bored later I might put on some Radiohead and overdose on heroin
Letās get slimy
āIām gonna put a little bit of my Moe Magic inside of you, you will be a vessel for the New World.ā Iāve gotten at least three wives and four husbands by saying those words. My tongue is pure silver
I keep a vial of original Alpha Variant COVID-19 in my fridge just to add a bit of garnish to the cocktails when I have guests over. Omicron doesnāt hit like the OG strains
I do it for the love of all the cardinal directions
Every week I walk out of a Target with a ring imprinted on my temple so deep, the bullet would have done less damage.
Speak a little Chinese to me sweetheart, Iām almost there
Iāve been selling my toenails to a Taiwanese man for $500,000 per gram for the last 10 years
Just turned myself 2D
Im lighting this stick of dynamite at both ends my dear
Just settled on ancient white land.
Just killed a Baffin Island ice cruncher
I worked in a scary Chinese steel factory for 2 years. I saw 61 people skinned, boned, limbed, filleted, gralloched, and emptied. The moral of the story is to never trust a white man.
Salted with Barium Iodide
Just discovered the Indonesian Mussolini. You guys need to get in on the ground floor with this one, heās gonna be fucking huge in a few years
Today I consumed 28,564 Wheat Treats
One day I will lift up a rock and stare at a worm, and the worm will stare back.
Putting on my prettiest lipstick so I can impress the nurses at my colonoscopy today
Drove my 1998 Chevy pickup into oncoming traffic for 45 minutes just to feel something
It would be easier for me to list off the groups I havenāt pissed off: - East Nepalese - Neo-Platonists - Zulu
For the last 6 months someone has been leaving a severed chicken head on my doorstep Uncle Frank says itās a warning from the Sinaloa Cartel, but I have taught them enough times by now not to fuck with me Either way, they have become my nieceās favorite morning snack
You could say that my mind is a little odd. You could say that I am downright fucked in the head
Spent another night crying while jerking off and listening to The Smiths. One of these days god is going to snap his fingers and kill me.
Sorry I left that there by mistake, wonāt happen again
The Red came many years ago during the brutal summer and it never left
Other direction my friend, Iām reaching double digit negatives over here
They havenāt invented a sippy cup tough enough to handle my piss šŖ
Anyone know of a good wine that pairs well with broiled rabid beagle meat, preferably a red if thatās possible
Hanging out on Hollywood Boulevard with my bimbofication ray, waiting for the perfect specimen
Just put 3 of my most ungrateful nephews into white slavery #ThatsLife
Sometimes I go into the back alleys of LA, unhinge my jaw, put a little bit of tuna at the back of my mouth, and wait for the stray cats to start jumping down my esophagus
The most shameful thing I've ever done was cheat on Moe Clone #3329 with Moe Clone #188-1b. I'll never forgive myself for that