Ruin a movie by making it about Gary Friday the 13th Part VIII: Gary Takes Manhattan
Empty inside, full-figured outside ⓘ this user is a jerk new: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:gyuvrzxt4plzvqybm7wx3ruj/feed/aaamud5ttv42u bangerz: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:gyuvrzxt4plzvqybm7wx3ruj/feed/aaahlwql5hajy
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Ruin a movie by making it about Gary Friday the 13th Part VIII: Gary Takes Manhattan
This is an overlooked tweets appreciation account now
*walks into work with beer sweats and caked mascara under my eyes* fire me, you cowards. you won’t.
Ruin a movie by making it about Gary Dances With Gary
If you really want to hurt me just give me the silent treatment
Imagine hating me and I’m just over here baking hot pockets in the oven so they come out crispier for you
not now son, daddy’s life is falling apart but he wants to tell jokes on the internet
Tipsy is just your body switching from “fight or flight” to “cute and giggly”
I like thinking about you thinking about me
@shitpostsintiaras.bsky.social oh but I did. I drove myself crazy for him.
I drove myself insane for you, please respond
DR: i have good news and bad news ME: ok DR: you have 3 months to live ME: what’s the bad news
There will be no unsolicited saving ‘round these parts 😤
ME [umpire]: *whispers to catcher’s back* are you mad at me
hi i'm frances i'm bluesky's ai boyfriend
He’s a 10, but his wife won’t let him date you
I bust through a set of saloon doors, dusty from riding the trail, but instead of Buffalo Gals the piano player is playing Take On Me
Keep your friends close & your enemies between your friends. Arrange the table like this: friend, enemy, friend, enemy, Timothy, etc.
Get back here and love me forever, you motherfucker
the feminine urge to tame a teen wolf
The Phantom of the Opera sets everything on fire and cries but when I do it, I’m “overemotional” and facing prison Fuck the patriarchy
*tongue-kisses you with a mouthful of chewed up klonopin so we can both enjoy this work christmas party*
laura ingalls but wilder
test me with an alt so i know it’s real
tongue-kiss me in the back of spencer’s by the posters like it’s 1992
I know I’m not unloveable, but I’m unloveable.
Amygdala would be a beautiful name for a girl
An LLM called CatGPT where no matter your prompt it responds with a picture of a cat sporting major “fuck you” eyes
If I was ever haunted by a ghost, I just hope it’s Eddie Money. I bet he’d be a lot of fun to hang out with.
I like to say “I’ll think about it” when I already decided absolutely not
Welcome to September The world is still a dumpster fire but with warm apple cider
Maybe she doesn’t need saving. Maybe she needs you to hold her hand while she saves herself.
Would be nice if someone were nice to me right now
I’m going to march full-force into my grave, but you do you
*gets a teardrop tattoo for every buzz I’ve killed*
Take me down to the paraphrase city where there's two things I like
She’s a 10 but her glasses are so thick she could start a fire
Let's go play on the swings. I'll give you an underduck
wanting will be the death of me.
How loud your farts are when you have headphones on is none of your business.
Owning and operating a little free library would fix me
Owning a sea otter sanctuary would fix me
Ending every conversation tomorrow with "thanks, Obama". Feeling a tad nostalgic.
i may be a disappointment but I'll be your best disappointment
Let’s get drunk and have a Twilight Zone marathon
not here for a good time or a long time, but a secret third type of time
Kiss me, I taste like despair.
Isn’t Nick the only real nickname
Jerk me off like you’re trying to start a lawn mower or don’t waste my time.
“You seem unhealthy for me,” I beamed.
everything destroys you in the end, the trick is to savor the good parts and hold on as long as you can
I just bit my lip...no...not seductively or anything. I was eating a slice of pizza way too fast.
Read an article? What, and ruin the headline?
Manatees: (grazing) Mermaids: (driving by on a road trip) COWS
not my circus, not my runaway Zoltar
[Giuliani's final breath] Tell my family I loved...9/11
You know more about Michael Ironside than Michael Ironside himself. It’s impressive tbqh
i miss when my feed was all shitposts
imagine hating me and i’m just over here struggling to get the plastic wrap roll started
I’m like if Linda Ronstadt and Sam Kinison had a baby
I saved 15% or more by grocery shopping without my kids
Gremlins 2 is peak cinema tbh. Nothing comes close
Play me at Warlords in the arcade like it’s 1987
Men are silly istg
ok can I say something without everybody getting mad
Be still, my heart 😍
The Devil’s All-American Rejects
kiss me before i go full notebook
All The President's Men Without Hats
omg I boiled your daughter’s pet rabbit as a joke calm down
Superbad Company
Forgetting Sarah Marshall Tucker Band
GOD: *creating the earth ANGEL: I'm really excited to see how this evolves GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I don’t want to be mad about everything anymore.
Me going to the craft store for more supplies for the third day this week
Sorry yall, I’m watching the 1996 cinematic masterpiece Romeo & Juliet with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes
She smiled, I smiled, we passed. Then I turned back and smiled again. Nobody gets to intimidate me like that.
Just going to start claiming I’ve appeared in a Law&Order episode. Who’s going to prove me wrong?
The polite fuck off is killing my soul
I was just called baggage instead of baby via autocorrect by my friend and that kinda resonates
We all have a red flag or two in our pockets.
sometimes a rotten lemon still smells fresh bro
what if our tongues touched in the $5 dvd bin at walmart
if i found out my next-door neighbor was a vampire, my ass would be over there every night tryna get bit just so i don’t have to go to work
*reposts all her wordle scores to prove my loyalty*
me: look, i don’t like surprises sister golden hair:
Morning.
It takes a day or two for me to process what is said to me sometimes and that’s mighty inconvenient
I wanna talk until the sun rises again
C'mere. The sun is rising.
Some days there's just not much to say. Some days there's too much.
Drunk me is like sober me but happy to pay DoorDash fees
Cuddle fuck sounds like too much work right now…cuddle hump?
word vomiting and immediately thinking “why the absolute fuck did i say that”
*sends you a Spotify link* *proceeds to write my name with your last name*
Maybe Van Gogh was also friends with Jeff in HR who wont shut the fuck up about his pickleball league
Yahd Y-A-R-D Yahd - Bostonian Spelling Bee
You can’t tell me to make ‘myself at home’ and then get weirded out if I take off my pants and cry in the kitchen. That’s not how that works.