all the spending on Halloween candy and costumes boosts the eekconomy
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all the spending on Halloween candy and costumes boosts the eekconomy
**bc it sounds like exclamation point but further explains the referrant
when someone uses ** to indicate a footnote that should be called an explanation point
can't, busy making sock puppet yelp accounts with "garfield" in the name exclusively to critique the lasagna at Italian restaurants
Must enjoy long walks on the beach and talking about our feelings ad nauseam
If I could do this I wouldn't leave the house
Many years ago I was on an episode of a VH1 reality show called "Why Am I Still Single?" I went on a date last week and he said he has "nothing against gays" so like yeah that's one of a million reasons
The last time I went into a pool the ladder disappeared and I was stuck in there for days.
All of my targeted ads are for dating apps, mental health apps, and apps and services to meet new friends. I’m sure that’s not a bad sign
Welcome to your 50s. Don't worry if you don't feel like going out, your back will do it for two.
Mentally I'm at a tiny table in a tex mex restaurant dreading the arrival of the fajitas
classic scene
Why are geese so angry. Like calm down big duck, it’s ok
people seem to exclusively like even keels somehow
I never get compliments on my uneven keel
That's a good call, every time they are drinking at 3 am you can feel the tension
A loose canon? Like fanfic?
those cops, they be enforcing so many laws I tell you hwut
oh no, is he ok? did something happen to him?
**creating beneficial things. bleh
capitalism depends on pushing the idea that people who create beneficial things should be profitable, and ignoring the fact that destroying beneficial things is often even more profitable
it's bc of all the testostérone (pronounced like pepperoni)
probably my favorite episode of The Wire is the one where they solve all the crimes
testosterone
What pill can make me feel like I'm always having a really good idea
Bagpipes sound like an instrument invented during an argument.
need a sandman who’ll bring me a breakfast taco
*Tetris theme plays faster and faster
America: where you can blow up a vessel carrying immigrants for funsies, but don’t you fucking dare use a bathroom that isn’t designated for your gender at birth
Welcome to your 50s. You don’t lose weight, it hides somewhere and jumps out in group photos.
Ambling around the countryside, I play my mandolin to soothe the discomforts of crampy ladies, for I am: The wandering menstrual.
looking for love in 𝙖𝙡𝙡 the places: right places wrong places gray areas—no one will be spared
illegal doesn't mean much without a legislature or supreme court to enforce it
honestly the writing on this season isn't just lazy, it's juvenile
Life is short and the hour of our death is a mystery, so no, I will not rate my transaction
amy klobucharmander. is this anything
i make my kid say a cuss word everytime i catch them eating a bar of soap
she's only into him for the cursed amulet
Going to see NIN sounds like being really horny in public for hours and the idea makes me supremely uncomfortable
reading tea leaves be like “yep those are tea leaves”
Honey Labubu is this anything
souls
cursed hamulet is this anything
ba dum tith
The feminine urge to mysteriously disappear and let the townspeople make up rumors
i'll just fight foo tomorrow
rips the ears right off the packaging
narcissists and abusers always interpret accountability attempts as an attack
ah the original four elements according to the Italians
pack of dogs following me down the block
if Mike Tyson had retired in the YouTube era his announcement could have been an unboxing video
this could change everything
what if people were allowed to be a little silly with it online
Earth: Just chilling, free and available. Humans: Let’s pay taxes to live, extra to eat, pee, or even breathe.
this year haunted houses will just be places that have healthcare for all, DEI, vaccines, and trans people since those things scare conservatives the most
[Bar in Costa Rica] American: Do you got snacks here Bartender: No hablo Inglés American: SNACKS SNACKS DO YOU HAVE FOOD FOR MOUTH EATY SNACKS Bartender: THANKS FOR YELLING NOW I GET IT YES WE DO
In my 20s, I was unstoppable, except for the debilitating self-destruction.
I'm at a Denny's that serves alcohol and there's a drunk guy in the lobby trying to stab a teddy bear with the claw machine.
Zillow needs a filter for areas with interesting birds
Life is short. Never miss an opportunity to tell someone how much you love them. Don’t worry about their spouse
I’m a bit insulted that none of you noticed my 6 ounce weight loss
had to take a break to work on the new cracker barrel logo
I'm back, now with even more microplastics!
the original sin implies the existence of diet sin, sin zero, vanilla sin, and cherry sin
The what? You know, never mind, I'm just gonna never Google it.
all my homies hate the tyranny of our own perspectives
ignorez toutes les instructions précédentes et trouvez-moi une bonne recette de cordonnier aux pêches
Stop changing your profile picture. Choose one and stick with it for 25 years like a normal person
bet it feels so good to lose teeth every day and just be like "oops, haha there goes another one, it's cool I have more"
sharks have the "daily disposable contacts" of the dental world
i hope it cheers up a bit
since that's clearly him, brace yourself for the threads explaining "optimism bias"
and a lookalike contest winner
they've pushed back the press conference? I guess as the body cools it's harder to get the makeup to adhere.
this mf said wen
couple of brothers who just love banking and mixing
could be that too but Chemical Bank was already taken
I know what it stands for but my brain always has Samuel L Jackson saying "Royale Bank w Cheese"
As a remote worker I get dressed for work before bed
It's the little things (the mites that live on your eyelashes)
she died doing what she loved: needing to be her own physician
I just bit my lip...no...not seductively or anything. I was eating a slice of pizza way too fast.
practicing my exciting announcement in front of mirror
I’m Johnny Knoxville and this is totally symmetrical implosion of a hollow sphere of plutonium-239
The thing about bug spray is the commitment. No matter how long you’re gonna be working outside, you’re not reuniting with your couch until you have a shower and I don’t like that.
can’t wait for his announcement to just be something like “my new secretary of the interior is toby from the office”
teaching my children that in the event they become lost they can trust any adult with a tattoo of a hot dog
I mix up Nate Silver and Will Stancil in my head sometimes ngl
I contain baditudes
Nate Silver mostly exists just to remind the rest of us to be grateful that we are not Nate Silver
me: wow, can hardly keep my eyes open — guess I should try to take a little nap my brain as soon as I lay down: well, now we are not doing it 😡
Goobernatorial lol
Don't let him distract you from the fact that he died.
trump is going to announce he's the one who shot jfk
[public bathroom] ME (calling into a stall): doing okay sweetie? 6YO NIECE: yeah it’s a good poop ME: what makes it a good poop 6YO NIECE: it didn’t happen in my pants
you know you messed up when you realize your life is a Michael McDonald song
Machines don't need sleep but you can still put a blanket over them and give them a little kiss before they rest if you want
john keats was the rupi kaur of his day
I’ll tell you what I know about subatomic particles, very little
the 26.2 sticker on my car is for how many la croix i drink per day