You know what, fair play to Scooby Doo villains. They walk into a room dressed as a ghost, see a talking dog on its hind legs making the world’s biggest sandwich and somehow manage to stay in character.
Pen for hire. Pencil for loan, as long as you give it back sharpened. #Liverpool
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You know what, fair play to Scooby Doo villains. They walk into a room dressed as a ghost, see a talking dog on its hind legs making the world’s biggest sandwich and somehow manage to stay in character.
"Offended by flags ha ha ha" The problem isn't the flags. People put flags up when the St George's Day fete happens in my town. They go up when there's a Euros or World Cup on. You'll see them when it's a big V.E Day, Remembrance Day etc. Nobody gives a shit. This is a bit different I reckon.
Company Icebreaker Team leader: let’s go around the room and share a fun fact about ourselves, Beth? Me: Erm, I ate my twin. TL: in the womb? Me: no, I was five, fun fact, as they were identical legally it’s like chewing your fingernails. TL: Me: *Collects P45*
If I had time and money, I’d go round putting a snake drawing flag next to all the St George’s cross ones so they look like Alfa Romeo adverts.
Mine was a week ago. I think a few people unfollowed me as a special treat.
Just found out that Rudy Giuliani is in hospital after he got kicked in the anus and taint by a gang of fast boys just moments after he saved five kittens from a tree. No further information at this point.
😂
I understand. One time it's you - another time it will be me. That's how it goes.
3 points! Whoop! #LivArs #YNWA
has steve coogan had some work done?
It was a magical time.
Feel like pure shit, just want Trump might be dead back
I've discovered a magical land through the back of my wardrobe. The inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I have now been asked so many times if I remember where I was when Diana died that I'm beginning to think I'm a suspect.
Please help support my TINY business and either purchase something from my shop (stickers are only £3) or please share this so I can reach new customers. Thank you! www.infinitebacon.com
Me: all superstition and folklore is ultimately fiction. Also me: no way am I walking between these two, I’ll probably piss a witch off or something.
Yes. Time and again, the US right wing - who are the people who have been crying about Cracker Barrel's logo - have been outed as paedophiles. They witter on about drag queens reading stories in libraries, then lo and behold, the hard drive of doom and a stretch in jail. Nonces.
That's a new one to me. What a time to be alive.
Haha.
So...they sent in the National Guard to DC and armed them when crime is at a 30-year low. There's nothing for them to do. So they're now just being told to pick up litter. This is like when I worked at my local pub and if there was nothing to do I had to polish the fronts of the bottle fridges.
It's making me want to throw things.
It’s the worst of all tautologies!
A message to all the Cracker Barrel nonces: reverting already means going back. You dont need to say "reverting back". You're annoying enough as it is.
Absolutely. They seldom follow up on these things.
‘I’m at the stage in life where I stay out of arguments’ – 7 sage life lessons from Keanu Reeves that will change your whole perspective. www.thepoke.com/2025/08/26/s...
The more this Australian comedian explains how the Premier League works, the less sense it makes. www.thepoke.com/2025/08/21/a...
This spoof hotdog hack was made even funnier by the people who completely missed the joke. www.thepoke.com/2025/08/22/h...
‘I’m actually the chief law enforcement officer’ – Donald Trump brazenly says the quiet (and unconstitutional) part out loud. www.thepoke.com/2025/08/22/i...
JD Vance said every major conflict ended with negotiation, and history entered the chat – 21 owns for the ages www.thepoke.com/2025/08/26/j...
Dean Cain’s ICE training video became the laughing stock of the internet faster than a speeding bullet – 23 super takedowns www.thepoke.com/2025/08/26/d...
I don't remember Newcastle signing a ref this summer, but that's the only explanation for his behaviour.
A storyline where Jessica Fletcher visits a nephew in Midsomer. Absolute fucking carnage.
Yeah, IT’S everywhere because gay people exist everywhere. How did you Explain to your grandkids what a pimp is and what women are doing rubbing up on each other in YOUR videos hypocrite it’s simple gay people have kids with IVF or adoption. So disappointed nypost.com/2025/08/25/e...
I'm not saying the police are struggling to keep their experienced officers, but the fake policeman on the Home & Bargains* window just got promoted to Chief Constable. *I said what I said.
"Sadly we are now," he moped
"We're definitely not creating unholy hybrids of humans and bikes," said a spokesman
Hey, with the sincere hope that you don't hear me.
Today we opposed the Far Right who had wanted to march on the Women’s Hospital and the African Caribbean Centre in Liverpool. We prevented them. Ours is a diverse and tolerant city and we won’t let fascism take root here✊✊🏽✊🏻✊🏿 #AntiFascist #Liverpool
When you accidentally bump into someone while you’re writing a BBC Sport headline
My rule of thumb is that a protest is not newsworthy if it draws a smaller crowd then I would get at a Lib Dem event for a session titled 'Why the British Standard for letterboxes is a failure'. But looking at the news, I see my rule of thumb is once again failing.
Just for perspective, a few weeks ago roughly 100,000 turned up for the London Trans+ Pride march. By contrast fewer than 3,000 ACROSS THE WHOLE COUNTRY, have turned up to anti-asylum "protests". Yet we are meant to take the latter as "the voice of the people" and the former as "the minority".
The real 'two tier' divide in British politics is between the wife of a Conservative councillor calling for refugees to be burnt alive, being treated as a brave 'political prisoner', and the protestors calling for the end of mass starvation and genocide, being treated as domestic terrorists
Lucy Connolly tried to claim in her appeal that she didn’t know what a guilty plea would mean. Her first lawyer brought *comprehensive* receipts demonstrating that wasn’t true. As Sunder says, she’s repeating claims a court very clearly found to be false.
Very much so. Such poor reporting on this.
Fantastic!
Well isn’t this bloomin lovely? @comedyclub4kids.bsky.social
Sky News ask how there can be a two state solution when Israel has allowed the building of over 380 settlements on occupied Palestinian land - all of which are illegal under international law
I recorded the audio version of my book this week, kids. This, along with the hard copy will be released in October but I’ve been informed you can preorder if you so desire. Have a lovely weekend! ♥️📚😘
Ghislaine Maxwell says she never saw Trump in any inappropriate setting because they've promised her a pardon. Fixed it for you.
wow sure sounds like president donald j. trump spent a LOT of time with convicted sex trafficker ghislaine maxwell in order for her to provide such a comprehensive character reference
Remarkable how many cuts of meat sound like veteran news anchors facing multiple accusations of workplace harassment: Chuck Brisket Rib Silverside Rump Foreshank Plate Centreloin Flank Saddleback
If you’re a convicted felon and your character witness is your dear old friend, the convicted child sex trafficker and enabler of your other dear old friend, the most notorious raper of children in modern history, you’re definitely a total piece of shit.
Gavin Newsom suggesting that 25 years of age is too young to transition and agreeing to right-wing entryism of concern trolling about trans people in sports. This is your opposition leader? I will never vote for Gavin Newsom anyone who thinks trans people are actual humans will follow suit.
Was it to find my pen,which I've managed to lose without actually moving from where I was using it?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but painting St George’s flags on mini roundabouts won’t make your kids want to talk to you
Sorry I pressed my bum up against your overton window
Whenever Labour post their "we have managed to kick out 237426346342 foreigns this year already, sent the buggers home lol" posts on Facebook every single comment is just fash saying "FUCK YOU COMMIES YOU LOVE RAPE-MEN FROM BOATS" and people who don't think migrants are rats saying "shame on you".
say what you will about the UK's anti-trans movement but they've shown you can achieve anything with a little bit of hard work, perseverance, unlimited money, the entire media and political establishment on your side and opponents who have only ever had about 5 minutes of moderate social acceptance
for the love of god do not read this post unless you want to be instantly earwormed by mull of kintyre
They genuinely look like potties, but they're raisers to make couches more accessible for the elderly and disabled. My mum had some.
At work today I examined ‘linen that hath touched the holy hand of St Edmund Arrowsmith’ and then immediately threw a handful of cashews into my mouth without thinking so I’m probably about to become Patient Zero for something really interesting,
Mate, you’ve invented the wheelie bin filled with a hosepipe.
Apparently Trump's gold plated Oval office is only halfway finished, here's the final design.
Maybe I could be the next James Bond. I’m very similar to Bond, in that I first appeared more than fifty years ago, I fuck up a lot of expensive gadgets, and I’m totally unrealistic.
🧵I keep reading that refugees are being kept in the lap of luxury in 4-star hotels. So here's a story about a place in my hometown called Harriet's! It's a foul looking restaurant I've driven past my entire life but never been in to. It just looks so grim and it's attached to a gross-looking hotel.
I've started doing the Couch to JK. It's like Couch to 5k, but you just gradually become more abusive to trans women.
There is a condition amongst British people whereby they DO want baked beans with their full English breakfast, but they DO NOT want those beans to touch any of the other foodstuffs on their plate, and there is a whole industry based around the provision of small ramekins to affect this outcome.
The ref had three sets of legs, at one point. Zero eyes, apparently.
Virgin media is having problems. I can barely see. It's all pixelated and sounds like a robot, too.
What if it actually a sampler, and the Pope couldn't pick!
Haha. It will be, at some point.
It's a bit busy, though, isn't it. Could do with more magnolia.
“This UK bread giant is scared, he doesn’t know why he’s so big.”
be sure to call the police if you see someone suspicious carrying a sandwich
If Subway guy had bought himself a foot-long, they'd be asking for the death penalty by now.
Use the stairs, sad kids.
MID.
Very good.
I should clean the fridge more often. Just found some salsa with a use-by date in Roman numerals.
Yeah, I'm an influencer. Influencing people to mute me on the socials.
#SocialMedia
How can you tell when the marketing department have downed tools?
Wes Streeting held a meeting with: • Genspect • Bayswater Support Group • CAN-SG • Integrated Psychology Clinic • LGB Alliance • Transgender Trend "To discuss gender policy issues"
Jack, Ralph and Piggy have entered the chat.
Happy birthday. xx
With the caveat that I'm not a woman, I suspect there is a fairly obvious flaw to this plan in terms of making women feel more safe on the streets.
I wonder if someone does a vegan recipe that tastes so deceptively like meat they call it Beef Orwellington.
Die young, or live to realise the grumpy old git you've been ranting about is younger than you.
In hot weather like this, remember to keep an eye on your freelancers. Move them to a shaded spot, indoors if possible, away from ‘people’. Distract them with a computer or some unrealistic deadline. Do check on them, by email, but don’t forget to set yours to out of office in case they reply 🙏
Tonight’s dumb napkin cartoon…
Is it Kurt Cobain? x
I miss romcoms from 2004 where the female protagonist lived in an open plan apartment with a balcony and her job was recipe writer for the local gazette or some shit. Nowadays romcoms are all "a man cheated on this chick who lives in a sewer coz the bank closed down".
There are lies, damned lies, and 'Libs are losing their minds over this picture'.
My body is a machine that turns focaccia bread into lower back pain
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays basketball
samuel. danks. waddy. samuel. danks. waddy.