Wouldn’t you love it if the government paid you to not make records?
From the Omnibus podcast featuring Ken Jennings and John Roderick. Fan account.
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Wouldn’t you love it if the government paid you to not make records?
What are the chances that the one time that you bring mail on an airplane unopened, it has a gun and a knife?
I don’t think we were even lively and young when we were lively and young, to be honest.
Nobody got a chance to chase me because I was literally standing next to them already.
I may have heard “Can I help you?” more times than your average person.
If something’s abandoned and dangerous, they just call it the “arts district” and in some cases actually pay to put transit there. Then it’s nice and there’s sushi.
It's the Museum of Color. It's the Museum of Ice Cream. It's the Museum of Balloons. And it's all just Instagram ops.
It did feel like an American doing American things — which is trying door knobs.
K: What if the only thing you had was a compass and a map on a neckerchief? J: Well that’s all I give my kid when I drop her off out in the wilderness.
I wish them goods and butter substitutes.
I thought we had corn laws that applied to Omnibus here that were just trying to eradicate your tendency to be corny.
Did I ever tell you about the time I walked across the Louvre?
Now kids will understand because we’re talking about The Jeffersons.
The Supreme Court says stuff and you're like, “Are you cosplaying right now?”
Speaking of being on a bus.
You can’t swing a European bobcat in Liechtenstein without hitting a Joshua.
This is a conversation so informed by people on social media now — who have so many facts at their disposal and, seemingly, so little wisdom.
J: Those of us who know you know that you’ve never been to a second location with a woman besides Mindy. K: Whom I call “Mother”.
It turned out it was three gila monsters in a trench coat.
You’ve got to recognize the progress. But it’s not the easiest time right now to rejoice in the progress.
When the shit goes down, the Swiss have all their stuff in tunnels and they’re just going to disappear from the world.
For the love of God, don’t support your kids.
Defunding science is certainly conservative-coded. They’ve really cornered the market on out-of-work scientists.
This is boss-level throwing away your kids’ comic books or baseball cards: throwing away your kids’ breeder reactor while they’re at camp.
There was a time when we believed that science and Twitter were our future.
As long as I do New York Times games on my phone for six hours a day — no ill effects from all those years spent looking at a screen.
You can shoot John with a neutron gun if you subscribe to our highest Patreon level.
That’s not me snoring. It’s every listener. I’m alive and engaged.
We know that aliens don’t have senses of humor and neither do billionaires, but I do believe elephants have a good sense of humor.
Canadians — A, love to be teased because they’re cucks, and B, everything anybody in America says about Canadians is a tease by default. Americans never praise Canada without also teasing.
What used to be kind of a scary boom and bust part of the American economy is now kind of its own economy that exists independent of what unemployment numbers are like, what the tax code is. It’s all just this unregulated place for the rich to get richer. God bless America.
I would say they’re unfunny things that we say, but out of context they make us seem funny — which is great. And that’s what I need.
I don’t want my toilet seat to just catch fire when I’m sitting there.
I don’t know what the age is, but there’s an age where you can be the jovial guy at the diner with a feather in your hat — and you’re getting close.
I could get a smaller table, but I think Ken wants to be a little bit farther away.
It’s very easy to imagine taking a medium-sized jellyfish and just strapping it onto a newborn’s bottom and tying the tentacles.
You’re looking at the word “opossum” and just saying “possum.” You can’t do that. It’s not a silent O.
I’m the CEOCD. I’m in charge of tricking Americans on the spectrum into thinking something is fun enough to drink a lot of Starbucks they don’t want.
I’ve always dreamed of being sentient mist. I hope that’s what awaits us after death.
Is there an appeal to you of, say, for instance, owning a little castle?
K: It’s like my great fear — that I’m in the middle of a conversation and I’m like, “Not only do I have nothing to say here, I have nothing to think.” I’m just a vast empty tundra. J: I corner people at parties and talk about barges.
Sometimes I can hear the quote in your voice and I can hear it in my voice — and it would mean something totally different. But I have no memory of which it was.
The real victims, as always, were the millionaires. Or millionAIRES!
K: Set the Wayback Machine to the 1870s. J: You’re kidding. K: Your Wayback Machine does not go to the 1870s? J: Actually, because this is a Wayback Machine from The Omnibus Project, the 1870s are kind of worn off the dial.
I watch a ton of streaming shows. I should have a basket of mending. I just put on Daredevil: Born Again — and off we go darning socks.
A lot of podcasting is pretending you want to listen to the other person, at least in my experience.
Lurpy guys love rockabilly.
Very few bands are less skinhead-coded than The Byrds.
I see fewer ducks’ asses, perhaps, than a farm girl would.
I think if I put refrigerator magnets in a bag and dumped them off of a balcony, I could go down and find the lyrics to a song.
You can’t put a flute in your nose until you’re 14. And then, by the time you’re 17, you have a flute in each nostril.
There are many Americans that still have religion. It’s the ones who were born into a class where that’s not an option anymore that they have to wear the crystals.
That happens when I sleepwalk all the time. I’m sleepwalking on a girder and I’m about to step into thin air — and then somebody lifts a girder into the gap. It’s so lucky. I’ve just been protected by the hand of fate.
It’s not like I have intrusive thoughts. I just have a noisy little crowd of people that are constantly kind of arguing about something. It’s like the crowd in the back of a 1930s movie.
Have you ever wanted a governess of Catatonia to come discipline you?
Neither of us know enough to comment intelligently. Moving on.
My mom said that my dad never ate a vegetable that he didn’t have to. I think my dad wanted a pork chop every day if he could get it, and there was nobody there to stop him.
I think if you tried ayahuasca, you would feel something.
One floating hot guy would really change a lot of historical meetings.
You’re speaking in tongues, but the language is from Mars.
There was a time in American history you could just live under a rock.
My great-grandfather was a judge, I think, because he was a justice o’ the peace, somewhere on the Oregon Trail. And then he got to Seattle and nobody could tell whether he was or not.
I would ask a woman faster than a man — almost any question. Because the guy‘s going to be like, “Uh… I don’t know, which one's radder?”
We’re still part of that culture where you can say something and not believe it.
That’s what dooms conspiracy theories: when you see somebody who actually does feel like one of the smarts who could be pulling all the strings, and then you realize — well, they’re just a dope who was in the right place at the right time, mostly.
I love to learn new untrue things. What a great use of my time.
Have you ever once heard somebody, in recent years, back off of their super-conviction that things are not what they seem?
There was not no evidence that they weren’t.
I put people to sleep all across the country with the dulcet tones.
J: This is Jack the Ripper fog, except it’s robot fog. K: Oh, that’s the worst kind of fog.
J: 99% of college theses don’t change the world at all. “The Hermeneütics of Calvin and Hobbes.” K: Did you put an umlaut in hermeneutics? A bit like a Muppet for one syllable.
If I had a bunch of adrenal glands of children, there are probably more interesting things I could do than power the Democratic Party. It’s not even top 10.
What if your mattress was made out of babies that had been fattened? Like corn-fattened babies.
That’s the problem with most conspiracy: life is super boring and people are not that smart.
Once again, your life is in 1910.
I can’t imagine, at any point in my life, arriving at a place where there wasn’t something to talk about.
That’s what my bell is now for. It’s for when I hear about an unapproved prank.
Vancouver Island is the New Zealand of the Northern Hemisphere.
I sit around all day trying to dream up content — and that’s why I’ve opened a new channel where I just do makeup tutorials.
Alex kind of had a personality that you can imagine him really interacting well with penguins.
It’s like Disneyland Main Street for railroad tycoons.
I lived in a car multiple times, and I’ve always assumed that’s how I would end.
Remember, you need to read this as "millionAIRE"
If you mug a thousand people and take a thousand dollars, you're a millionaire!
Don’t you have the internal satisfaction that comes from not owning crypto?
Of the two of us, I have definitely thrown more Molotov cocktails.
We’re living in a culture right now where all you have to be is 20 and in a tight t-shirt and reviewing brands of margarine online in 30-second long videos, and apparently you become a millionaire doing that.
K: You don’t want to eat potato salad that’s been sitting on the picnic table all day. J: I don’t want to because it’s got potatoes in it.
If the van’s a yummin’, we say, don’t go yuckin’.
I bet you there are more people who have murdered someone listening to the show right now than who have a freeze dryer in their kitchen.
You can’t feed a whole army on the butter you steal from some churning maiden.
There are a multitude of delicious lathers.
It’s like a game of telephone. You explain to North Dakota what Mexican food is, and they explain to Manitoba, and they explain to Nunavut, and they explain to Alaska, and you get that.
Olive oil is just a liquid. It’s a drink. You keep it in your YETI when you go for a run.
If you’ve got Pop-Tarts in the cupboard, why are you eating toast? Nature has evolved the Pop-Tart.
I passed through the level of enlightenment where, when you’re in Austin, you stop trying to find good barbecue — because there just isn’t any.
My dad’s family is from the South, and I think he would put mayonnaise on peanut butter sandwiches, which I’m not really in favor of. Seems like the Civil War and Reconstruction should have wiped that out.
J: Have you ever made a grilled cheese sandwich where instead of buttering the bread, you mayonnaise the bread? K: Have you asked me this before or did I just have a nightmare about this?
There are a multitude of delicious lathers.
