Tradesman, Musician, Malcontent. New: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:koejo5clr3khvnmdnfuqffi5/feed/aaacrpmcwzmdg Bangers: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:koejo5clr3khvnmdnfuqffi5/feed/aaacrsfikdrqk
9,807 followers 1,675 following 2,247 posts
view profile on Bluesky 
Texting: Them: Why are you not answering the phone? Me: Can't talk, Wednesday. Them: I know it's Wednesday, but why won't you FaceTime? Me: The rest of the TV series is out. Turns off notifications Them: You know I read that? Me: Oh, I wasn’t being subtle enough?
Maybe a few will still fit together.
What pieces do I get to keep as everything falls apart?
..shadows of the past conspiring to darken my mood. Having my drafts in another app sucks🙄
As a courtesy, I always try to conceal my venom as politely as possible.
Let's pretend he's dead every weekend
10,000 posts when all I need is a life.
RIP Yogi Berra, you would've been an amazing bsky shitposter
Refuse to take the doomsday clock seriously until they start using normal increments of time. Imagine asking someone what time it is and they say "89 seconds to midnight" lol bro what
Sometimes I search for something online and I'm surprised there's zero results and then I realize its because I somehow made 20 typos in a 10 word sentence like some kind of lumbering ham handed oaf
Eating the radioactive shrimp to gain superpowers but it just makes me even shorter than I already am
Used to go to punk and metal shows and slam in the pit, now I apologize when I bump into mannequins
Bus platforms C and D sound kinda fun
Don't put yourself down, you'll never win So let's all smash through Through the fear of being real Through the fear of being really you 'Cause living it up, it's a big deal It's good for you youtu.be/3TJC48BRBn8?...
Even if we were immortal, life would still be too short to waste on hate
Them: Be kind to yourself, you deserve it! Me: Ok, just because you say so. *rolls eyes*
If your blood, sweat or tears go into your cooking I ain’t eating it.
I no longer make up excuses about why I don’t wanna go to social gatherings, I just don’t wanna go, I prefer to stay home.
😂😂
I've totally lost the plot... but, you know, in a cool way.
more bros should tongue wrestle
Capitalism has even ruined capitalism
*rookie therapist vomits*
Though once a brilliant scientist, everything changed for Jeremiah McCheese the day he stepped into the teleportation pod still clutching his burger.
After months of market research, I can confidently say I'd be much more popular here if I had a spouse I disliked.
Listen…I’m not above most things.
Never underestimate my desire at any given moment to go home.
youtu.be/8ggJS0p-QQc?... 15 years old. I don't even latch, let alone lock my door... you know, in case I miss the bedroom emergency pull station in the bedroom or bathroom!😜🎼☮️ get off my lawn. don't touch my walker punk.
Humanity’s lack of faith in humanity is making me lose faith in humanity.
Life is short. Never miss an opportunity to tell someone how much you love them. Don’t worry about their spouse
my left hip lies but my right one doesn’t
Zillow needs a filter for areas with interesting birds
the dark cloud that follows me everywhere i go is about to get a surprise makeover
OK I’m bored with the Oasis reunion when are Hall and Oates getting back together
September, my old foe, we meet again
If you don't honk the horn at the right time when Back to the Hotel comes on, we probably can't be friends.
Radioactive Shrimp is an Imagine Dragons themed seafood eatery
Ok who broke the Discover tab?
If you're driving in front of me, there's a 95% chance I hate your fucking guts.
Not to brag but I didn’t post any first day of school selfies of myself.
Walking into the woods and never looking back as self care
Picks scab bloody to feel anything else
Bruce Springsteen is funny cause you’ll hear like a kinda whatever guitar solo, some bells for some reason, and then a saxophone solo and it’s like. Man, this sucks
It’s about time corduroy was restored to its rightful place in the hierarchy of pants.
blood is the sauce for our body noodles
avid affinity for the amalgamation
In Beijing the bro’s are talking about living to 150, meanwhile Trump is asking for $15 donation’s to get into heaven.Tell me why men are running the world again? We need to control alt delete this whole fcking timeline
gym membership? i already carry the weight of existence
ITS OK TO LAUGH THROUGH THE DARK TIMES
Which came first the sociopath or the CEO?
Nobody is “grooming” your kids to be gay or trans but people ARE grooming them to be Nazis.
this sext could have been a meeting
Don't jump on the "they're funny" bandwagon if you don't think they're funny. That's how we got Dane Cook.
THERAPIST: You need to stop being so dismissive. ME: That's stupid.
There are people who ask questions that promote you to look inside Deeply Conversations sometimes we all try to avoid but yet bravely the ones that love you will ask Not because they wish to hurt you but because they want to show you how beautifully you survived it all
Them: you look so friendly. Hi. Me: Sorry. No. That’s my kegel face
Happy first day of school to all those who celebrate.
I plead Blueskyism, your honor
Haven’t had sex in ages, so when a male coworker groaned lifting a box my lady parts translated it as a mating call.
another day another attempt to build a burj khalifa out of fish sticks and tartar sauce
I want to throw a potato party for my birthday. No presents just bring your favourite potato dish/item.
Getting escorted outta the bar cuz I won’t stop showing the bartender my old tweets
🐝gratitude post
please love.. don’t make me write of you I tend to kill off all the heroes #brokenpoet
are those bubbles from the wine or did you fart in this tub I filled with champagne
🎶 hold me closer necromancer 🎵🎶
This is what they mean when they say “the Rat Race”
Sshh… we are now witnessing the reclusive Mr Owl revealing that it does in fact take 3 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop lollipop
The only circle I’ll ever be in is detailed by Dante.
Circumcisions by guillotine is a bit dicy.
* Giving a hand job Me: righty tighty, lefty loosey aaand repeat
We don’t call it lingerie, it’s WHOA BLACK BETTY PAJAMARAMS
I (literally) fell into a rabbit hole a few years ago and only now is my ankle like I’M SWOLE BITCH!
Who called it ejaculation and not ballistic?
Pushing boundaries is code for anal
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
In England, the dollar store is called Pound town. I’ll take you there.
But can the early bird find the clit?
That time I broke my ankle showboating on Time Crisis 3
It will be easy! It:
When I actually have to go into the office...
you can’t quote post when enemies are nearby
Hey while you dumbfucks are at it can you take out the bro country-playing party barge that cruises past my nana’s lake house every Sunday morning
You can hear it coming
Does anyone want a cursed amulet? I stole four.
I'm so lazy I don't even watch movies, I read about them on Wikipedia. Follow me for more life hacks
Metal band where all the lyrics are complaints about tummy aches
I think it would be best if we moved on from this. Unfortunately, I'm the worst.
i make my kid say a cuss word everytime i catch them eating a bar of soap
Proudly logging into bsky and seeing y’all like…
the ‘h’ in honest isn’t
I cordially invite you to an evening of suck.
My UFC entrance music would be "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue"
I'd like to sample your wares
It could happen to anyone? Don’t threaten me with a good time.
Even if I win the lottery I’m still not buying separate forks just for my salad.
your secret is safe with me bc what were we talking about
Dream Date: we see how my dad bod looks getting into your mom jeans
They’re pouring me into a mold today after that, I will develop several characteristics
Thank you for your attention to this cadaver