ME: team rocket will never steal these rare Pokémon! Not unless they wanna take on me and my fully evolved Miss Cigarettes! MISS CIGARETTES: miss cigarettes
I write scripts and stories and songs and jokes. I also do regular stuff
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ME: team rocket will never steal these rare Pokémon! Not unless they wanna take on me and my fully evolved Miss Cigarettes! MISS CIGARETTES: miss cigarettes
🎵 it's the i of the tiger, with a g to the right Risin' up to the challenge of a vowel And the last two letters are an e and an r And a t is in the front of the iiiiii of the tiger🎵
"Bluesky is dead" Meanwhile on Bluesky:
One time I watched a cast Q&A for that dumb show he was on, “The Last Ship”, and it was so painfully clear that all the other actors hated his fucking guts
“We’re going to win this war just like we won Vietnam”
That’s not Animal Mother, that’s the helicopter gunner dude who is never named and only has that one scene. The stuff Animal Mother says is WAY worse
hello my baby hello my honey
FRIENDS, ROMANS, NIGGAS!
strange that something over 50% bacteria totally unrelated to humans genetically and probably unfeeling unthinking etc can have a drivers license and a mortgage and a laptop computer. i'm just germs using a laptop computer they basically stole
It would depend on the band. And the seats. The acoustics there are very good but probably not that good
Whenever I see a band play at the Hollywood Bowl for their first time, if they seem a little overwhelmed, I always wanna yell “That cockpit is the exact same size it was at Thunderhead” but it’s rude to yell and they probably wouldn’t get the reference
"Ya Basta" means "Enough Is Enough"
FBI DIRECTOR: mr trump, the bureau needs your help. see, there's this prolific child rapist and human trafficker who we wanna take down and then pull some strings for in order to ensure he receives the lightest possible punishment TRUMP: i had no idea jeff was doing that stuff. you said jeff right
I'M LOSING MY MIND, THE BEST AND MOST EXCITING YHING JUST HAPPENED, BABY SNAPPING TURTLES HATCHED IN MY YARD, HOLY FUCKING SHIT WOW HOLY FUCK
The movies don't really get into it, but it's worth remembering that Denethor went crazy because he spent too much time doomscrolling on the Palantír and it cooked his brain
I always found this funny with trad divisions of labour where they're like "the woman takes care of the children and the home, and the man protects them" and it's like ok but one of those is a real job that actually happens and the other one is something you imagine while watching an action film
It’s things like this that make me think Anakin Skywalker kinda had a point. Is there anything I would like more than to be in that room with a real working lightsaber
After discussion with @soundingline.bsky.social and @keithpille.bsky.social I have come up with something important for dudes
I think we all know who has the opportunity to do the funniest thing @bencollins.bsky.social
I saw him do a live Buddy Cole show that was, to put it charitably, trans-exasperated (transaspirated?) I could almost chalk it up to a choice he made for the character? But he IS the character, in so many ways, and he’s also been saying this shit under his own name for years. It’s fuckin sad
You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain. Actually, there is a third option, which is to just be kind and see with eyes unclouded by hate. Scott Thompson has apparently selected option number two, and it’s a bummer.
Once you’ve seen the acting in some of John Woo’s pre-Hollywood movies, Nic Cage’s performance in Face/Off suddenly makes a lot more sense
History repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as farce, but it was farce the LAST time, I don’t know what the fuck is happening now. Too many iterations. We’re living through the historical equivalent of Paper Jam Dipper
Morpheus: “We marveled at our own magnificence as we gave birth to AI.” AI: “Jackfruit was discovered in 1825 by Jack Warner, CEO of Warner Bros Pictures & Fruit”
I wish I’d been a rock star in 1955, when you could record a song called, like, “Hibbity Bibbity” whose lyrics were just “Hibbity bibbity rock rock rock rock rock” and it would sell eight million copies and Tom Holland would win an Oscar for playing you in a biopic
[perfect seven-part double-tracked blood harmony] My name is Brian Wilson and I’m here to say m.youtube.com/watch?v=id4a...
When people talk shit about obsolete physical media in my presence
I watch a lot of zero-budget, zero-talent movies at my job, and it never ceases to amaze me that human beings can make entire feature-length films that do not contain any recognizable human behavior whatsoever. A character will get out of a car and I’ll think “no one gets out of a car like that”
A moment Casino that always makes me laugh: Sharon Stone is complaining about her husband to Pesci, and he’s being very diplomatic and sympathetic, and then she says “I never should have married him. He’s a Gemini” and you can just watch Pesci 40% check out of the conversation
Trying to lower my intake of junk food, and I keep thinking of that part in Trainspotting where Ewan McGregor is like “you know what would really take the edge off my first day without heroin? A little heroin”
World is falling apart and nothing matters. Think I might become a weed guy again. Not actually smoking it, just constantly talking very loudly and authoritatively about “terps”
Sure, toons are performers, but where are the toon executives. Where are the toon agents and toon studio heads
Good afternoon, bitches. I am a andre 3000 computer
Florida: America’s Gangrenous Limb
The American conservative belief system boils down to two main points: 1. Kindness is gay 2. What are you, gay??
Startled myself by suddenly saying in Itchy voice, “Poochie, you look like you have something to say. Do you?!” Love to live as a sentient Teddy Ruxpin, playing a tape of cultural detritus. And more importantly, to be 100% normal
My first day on set for James Cameron's True Lies, I knew prison rules applied. I walked right up to Tom Arnold, lifted him by the shirt, and chucked him off a two-story balcony through a craft services table. Nobody dared fuck with me for the rest of the shoot. Nobody said Shit.
Honestly every movie in the franchise is better if one of these guys has a gun
Angelenos at the end of August when we see some innocent online fool thanking God that summer is over
thank you for coming to my big announcement that was planned for weeks and not thrown together at the last second to get ahead of speculation that my health is in decline. alabama (taking a huge huff of a mysterious gas like dennis hopper in blue velvet) is in charge of space
One of those situations where I knew the song, and I knew the title, but I didn’t know they went together
the virgin common sense rationalist: erm, everyone knows that the universe is a cold and uncaring structure of blind chaos the chad aperture of the universe witnessing itself: wow, i live here? splendid
Do you know how cool it is to make art. Do you know how cool it is to be human in your bones
I am of course referring to Charles Durning snapping “I’m not here to make a record, ya dumb cracker!” with every drop of bile in his entire body
I’m glad @blankcheck.bsky.social covered “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” even though they misidentified which line/reading in it is the greatest ever in the history of film, acting, film acting, or the English language
Got absolutely no goddamn time for links to essays with some caption like “I wrote 9,000 words on how it feels to be alive right now.” Bitch you can go ahead and print that out and put it in a time capsule like it’s Michigan J. Frog, here right now I do not need it and neither does anybody else
New plan: we get Obama to demand the death certificate
post a meme made by you
Try not to live your life in such a way that the mere HINT that you MIGHT be dead causes an entire nation to enjoy their weekend more
We built a calculator that doesn't work, but don't worry, it's also a plagiarism machine that will tell you to kill yourself. It runs on the world's oceans and costs 10 trillion dollars.
Even Henry Kissinger had people who loved him and knew him as a warm and caring soul. They should die, too.
Driving in Portland made me clinically insane. The drivers are the most pathologically timid I’ve ever encountered. I can’t tell you how many times I almost killed myself and/or someone else because the car in front of me stopped at a GREEN LIGHT
bjork, describing a horse: this creature is called a Horse. she has many legs. i do not like how she speaks to me
My favorite part of this article, apart from the right and proper amount of skepticism and bullshit detection it exhibits, is how the introductory section is just a list of the founder’s failures.
you can't throw a rock in america without hitting some troglodytic religious weirdo trying to control other people's bodies and that's why we should throw a lot more rocks
1800 block of South Western Avenue in Chicago
I like when he’s walking into that first crime scene and that one patrolman is like, very reasonably, “what the fuck are you doing”
Back when the Arclight was open and I worked there, every employee had their favorite movie printed on their name tag. I put so much thought into picking something classy yet edgy yet obscure. I should have just gone with “Duck Amuck”
What people think they 80s were like versus what the 80s was actually like.
usually if you ask experts why an empire fell they’ll say it’s nuanced and multifaceted, so i think it’s kind of cool that with America future historians will get to just say like “oh they took the idiot train to moronsville”
a phrase from Mr. Show that’s on my mind a lot lately is “you are shittin’ in my mouth and calling it a sundae”
*inside a seedy yakuza bar* CIA Agent: I traveled here to find MacDonald. Old MacDonald. The world needs a man who knows all the sounds animals make. You have a farm? MacDonald: (chugs whisky) Had
wait wait wait a Republican president is 12 points underwater on CRIME?!
At least Wafer Bucket hasn't caved on their rebranding
“Asleep From Day” by the Chemical Brothers with special guest Hope Sandoval just came up on my shuffle and sent me into a full-on Proustian reverie
God never gives you more than you can handle, unless it would be funny
Cuneiform writing was mostly not meant to last forever; it was pressed into wet clay that could be smoothed and reused to write something else. We only have so many samples of it because all those wet clay tablets baked in the fires that consumed Sumerian cities when their civilization collapsed.
it's crazy that being like "how do i explain gay couples to my kids?" isn't an unthinkably embarrassing to say in 2025. it's actually incredibly easy to explain, that should be like indignantly saying "how am I supposed to explain to my kids where the sun goes at night? did a bird steal it?!"
You should see the sketches they cut out entirely
It's Minnesota State Fair time! It's time for Minnesotan folk art! Here, for example, is Saturn Devouring His Corn, in the seed art category!
Your honor, may I approach the bench to show you my cool gun
MORPHEUS: They're coming for you, Neo. I can guide you, but you must do exactly as I say. Take the elevator to the lobby and go to the CVS across the street. Purchase 5 Steam gift cards at $200 each. Scratch off the protective coating on the back and tell me the fifteen digit redemption codes. Hurry
But then how will you learn that the Jason Alexander gargoyle is sexually attracted to a goat
Gravity Falls is one of those shows that make me wish I could get Eternal Sunshined and see it again for the first time. Unfamiliar? Imagine golden-era Simpsons, but every episode is a Halloween episode, they’re all terrifying, all hilarious, and all canon and part of a single overarching story.
That movie has issues but my GOD does that prologue shatter the fucking backboard
Say what you want about the assassins creed, at least it’s an ethos
I’m done making the argument against Newsom. We have made MANY arguments over and over and over. Anti-trans, attacks on the homeless, anti-union, buddies with alt-right Nazis. At this point anyone asking why we don’t like him is a troll, an op, or willfully ignorant. End of conversation.
“What you would have done during the rise of Nazi Germany, is whatever you’re doing in America right now.” Okay but none of my shit was invented yet. What’s the 1930s Germany equivalent of driving to Target, buying a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Netflix & Chilll’d, and eating it in my Subaru Forester
Friend: what the fuck is up with the audio mix on Alien Earth Me, a man-child of privilege: I know right it sounds fucking INCREDIBLE
Everybody watches everything with subtitles, all the time. Am I the only person my age who can hear their television (I guess more accurately I can hear the speaker system that I spent a lot of money and time to set up so that I would never have to use my television’s built-in speakers ever again)
Centrists bigots and right wingers have this all backward. YOU are the ones constantly bringing up trans issues. I would be happy to not think about this shit every day of my life unless I was talking to or reading something by one of my trans friends and thought of it in passing. SHUT THE FUCK UP
One of the greatest ways to watch The Big Lebowski, a movie that can be watched in a lot of different and equally great ways, is to simply never take your eyes off of Philip Seymour Hoffman. No matter what else is going on in the scene or the individual shot, just stay locked on him.
Marinara sauce is a euphemism, here, for whatever you want it to be a euphemism for. It’s up to you. I ain’t yer dad
Sorry to be lookist or whatever but I can’t think of a single Trump appointee who wouldn’t look better as a gallon of “marinara sauce” splashed on the wall of a Denny’s bathroom
Grace just sent this me this tok of a woman accidentally recording her cat in slow motions, and I am SOBBING from laughing so hard
Was discussing sexual proclivities with some friends the other day and said the following, in my most tired tone of voice: “I’m not a dom, I’m not a sub, I’m just a guy.” Straightest thing anyone has ever said? I’ll take my answer off the air
i genuinely think it's beautiful that we made a computer that can speak zoomer slang fluently but can't do math. i'm pretty sure no sci fi author ever dreamed up anything remotely like this, the bizarre nature of reality stays winning
I’m sure I’m not the first to make this joke, but I always thought it would be hilarious if Jar Jar was the only Gungan who talked like that
Folks reasonably assume footage from behind-the-scenes featurettes are "truth", but it is now standard practice for studios to alter footage from "making-of" videos. (These gray screens are actually blue screens on the set of "Superman" (2025).)
I promise you if you didn’t grow up in the 90’s, we didn’t realize how weird it was at the time
Okay I guess I can see why this new logo is controversial
This is such a niche reference that it goes all the way around the horn to being one of the most universally understandable insults I’ve ever heard
Used to think people on here were A LITTLE INTENSE about alt text, but it’s a nice thing that helps, plus I’ve come to enjoy it as a regular little writing challenge
I have nothing to add because the truth is the truth