Of course you miss it. It was an adrenaline rush. And you were part of an elite team of operators. To be really, really good at something--no matter what it is--there is always a sense of nostalgia or a desire to return/recapture what you had. And you're a good man because you're conflicted.
That is a part of it but you know when I was selected for my particular work I was tested for IQ and for where I scored on a psych evaluation for sociopathology.... I scored high on both....
Yep. You couldn't be an operator without scoring high on that. But if you didn't feel any conflict, if you didn't feel any remorse, if you didn't feel the need to self-medicate--that's what would be scary. (post continued below--damn Bluesky's character limits).
A good person is not someone who has never killed or destroyed. It is not someone who has an absence of sociopathic elements. It's because you control them. And because you act for a cause, not based on a whim or urge. And because you feel remorse or pain.