The Monkeys won't attack. They are too busy making cups of tea 🤷‍♂️

Or moving furniture. youtu.be/HgzEBLa3PPk

Would I need to tie them together on Ladder Day or would any day be ok to try this?

Are you taking some ham up there to cook it for tea?

Good question. Yes.

Thank you for these interesting facts Michael! Please be sure to look up the ninth planet (I think it starts with H) before printing and posting your facts to NASA! For quick access if needed: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horse

Thank you. This is the handiest link I've ever been sent.

Could we launch a sturdy wheelbarrow into space?

@sirmichael.bsky.social for Sciencetist of the Year! (Or whatever space people are called. Astroturf something isn't it?)

Wait - does this mean that hero from the Star Wars docuseries, Han Solo, comes from OUR system? Couldn't we ask him to assist in this battle? (Note - only 1st 3 of those episodes are true, rest r proven 2 be fake news)

Thank you for shedding light on the solo system! About time we got the facts! You don't see any of this covered by the fake news... What if the monkeys take control of the Jewish space lasers??? 😱😱😱

I've got one word for you and it's going to blow your mind: "Anti-Space Monkey Defence System." We develop a space-based security system that sounds an alarm when it detects space monkeys. The first person to hear the alarm then has to travel into space to defeat the space monkeys.

Sounds amazing and high techie! I'd love to be that person but I'm afraid my doctor tells me I've bone spurs in my ears so I'll never hear it...

I have tinnitus so it’s like there’s a constant anti space monkey defence alarm going off in my head. Does that mean I have to go into space?

Why haven't you gone already? I trust you aren't weekend slacking?

I’ll be up shortly and then I need to go to B&Q to get some more step ladders (I can only carry 2, max 3 on the bus) Then I’ll have some lunch and after my afternoon nap I’ll get right on it.

📌

Number 4, considering the state of the world at the minute I for one would welcome our hirsute overlords.

If we were to launch an intergalactic banana buffer into space, away from Earth, it would almost certainly provide a sufficient distraction. This elegant solution is not only viable but self-evidently optimal, allowing humanity to finally sleep soundly once more.

Michael, maybe we should pull the plug on medical science if it's only being used to keep the elderly alive long enough to vote for racists? Btw, which planet are you on?

Agreed. Medical science went too far the day it created the man with scissors for hands, as seen in the documentary Edward Scissors for Hands, and it's only got worst since then.

I've changed my mind. Edward Scissors for Hands could be useful WHEN WE NEED TO START PREPARING OUR DEFENCES FOR WHEN THE MONKEY ALLIANCE ATTACKS.

I think they will be coming to enter Ireland's Got Talent, not to attack us.

📌

Michael, I watched a documentary recently about the planet you are forgetting about. Concidentally, it relates to your 4th point... as it is the Planet of The Apes (monkeys).

Thank you, Ryan. I wasn't sure if it was that one or the one Bruce Willis blew up in the Armageddon documentary.

Do the ladders need the ham?

11 stepladders? Well, I see someone is doing well for themselves. Short changing pensioners must be a lucrative side hustle.

I calculate that if he did what he did to poor Mrs Buckley everyday since the original incident he would have made €5183. 11 average-priced step ladders would be about €500. Case closed.

This is why @sirmichael.bsky.social needs wheelbarrows.

It's so sad that everyone in the village continues to hark back to that fateful day, despite the fact that I have repeatedly tried to sweep it under the rug and shift the blame on to others. This is no way to treat a good man who has specifically asked not be held accountable for his actions.

Frankly I expect better from you, Sir M. The use of 14 step ladders would be impossible because the movement of the Sun around the Earth would make such a thing unstable. A better solution would be to use a Bronto Skylift S104HLA which reaches 104 meters (341 feet). You could pick some cherries too.

Not so sure. I believe there is an error in the user manual for the Bronto Skylift S104HLA which makes me doubt their whole enterrprise.

I must check. I read pages 1-739, but I must admit I only skimmed the rest.

I've now read the whole thing with a fine tooth comb (well, I couldn't find my glasses), and I think the error to which you refer is simply use of "meters" when we all know it should be "metres". But I believe the product is sound and recommend it. You have to forgive these Americans with spelling.

PS - I'm only getting 5% commission, so you can trust my judgement on this. Honest.

In the pocket of #BigBronto

At 5%? Damn' right! 👍

You could manage a bucket of soapy water in that and wash the sun spots whilst you were at it.

Alas, union rules forbid it. It would have to be a quite separate effort.

Is it true the Solo system is named after the great historical spaceman Hands Solo?

Solo system because it’s the only one 🫡

Makes sense. If it ever changes to the duo system, we'll know someone's built a new system.

You have also missed out Saturn. Probably jealous of all the yellow belts it has.

You have left out Venus, probably because of all the k*ssing.

Or maybe because Venus has b**bs on display? Utterly unacceptable planetary behaviour, imo.

Venus is 'armless. See what I did there?

She's an utter flytrap.

I see what you did there!

This app has gone the way of Twitter... 😔

Stop picking on Venus. She looks armless enough to me.

That's what she wants you to think. In reality she's riddled with space monkeys waiting to attack.

Its a good job the rings of Saturn are really made out of bananas to keep the monkey army occupied elsewhere.

Then why is she made of razor blades?

Your post was censored by the moderators, Pam - Please don't send selfies. And don't even get me started on Ur*nus.

Oh my! It says non-s*xual n*dity. I didn't know rock could be n*ked.

Don't underestimate rocks. Some of them have mullets and do Irish dancing.

Are you sure you're not mistaking rocks for Michael Flatley, hun?

Easy mistakes to make, let's face it!

Is this him doing River Dance?

No hun. That's neither a rock nor Michael Flatley.

Is he related to Michael Flatbread?

I'm willing to go and negotiate with the space monkeys on the planet earths behalf. I just need the three things that monkeys like most. Harmonicas, pg tips and ian hislop (but ian better not drink all the tea)

This can’t be right. Nothing is 150 years old! That’s impossible!

Where can we see this solo system? Is it in a fancy museum or one of those scientific centres?

Yes

Thanks Sir Michael. This is both educational and informative (about the pending monkey invasion)

Named after the famous pilot Han Solo, wasn't it?

As well as need 11 ladders to reach the sun, you also need at least factor 8 sun screen. And probably a cap made out of a white handkerchief. I hear it’s quite warm up there this time of year.

Okay but each person going to the sun is only allowed to take one handkerchief. We can't risk a handkerchief shortage back on Earth.

This is true. Though it would only be a white handkerchief shortage. Maybe just one spare for when the other one gets sweaty. No one wants to land on the sun in a sweaty handkerchief.

You need a handy way to remember the planet names.