The ultimate example was Jesus as incarnate God, who wouldn't have deserved any ill, but bore the burden of humans' evil to the grave and back.

I don’t really know what that means. I’ve tried to understand it, but it’s nonsense to me. People are still evil to people who don’t deserve it. So what good did that do if people are still experiencing harm that isn’t a form of justice? To what end other than than for brutality sake?

How tf do I “get heaven in me” when I see no evidence it’s doing anything to help everyone? It just makes no sense.

Have you ever tried speaking to heaven as to a person?

I used to try to pray. As a kid. I didn’t know if it was supposed to be to “Jesus” or what title to use. But it never seemed anything different than talking to a brick wall. I’ve never heard any thing back or felt any kind of “sign” coming back.

I'm kind of getting that you got some terrible examples in the temples, churches or people you knew who talked about it. If they acted like brick walls to you or others, perhaps they led you to expect a brick wall God.