So underpaid.

bedbug Bret writes the exact same column every other week, in what world does this warrant needing a full time assistant

he's looking for a mistress

Salary too low

Conspiracy hound thinks this is sus.

@ifbookspod.bsky.social

why would he need an assistant? i am not in the biz but it seems like overkill for a mediocre opinion columnist.

assist him with what? he can’t possibly suck more ass

Someone needs to pull the apple out of his exoskeleton at least twice a week

I genuinely don't understand how this is a real job. They have to write 800 words, twice a week. Sure, if they're conscientious about it that still means taking the time to find people to talk to and things to read - but they've got that time, the whole job is structured to give them that time.

Most of the pay is for having to endure conversations with Bret

That's not nearly enough pay for that

Definitely not if you want Bret to survive

I've never taken a pay cut for a job, but if we're negotiating....

He could alternatively rely on ChatGPT prompts: ‘Write another insane column to justify the latest Israeli war atrocity and criticize Democrats, and be snarky and insufferable about it!’

It absolutely could be a real job, if Brett deeply researched topics before he wrote about them. But since he just parrots what a bunch of wealthy C suite types think about the world, no idea why he needs this person.

His assistant makes more than any local journalist in America, unsurprisingly. Not blaming him - NYC is expensive and I'm glad they pay well.

Good, otherwise there’s a chance it’s a spouse search for David Brooks

Ouch 😂😂😂 perfection

Maureen Dowd hand selected multiple young men as assistants to become NYT politics reporters Including a college swimmer whose only experience was Tucker Carlson's Daily Caller for a year And the recent comparison of Trump's rambling to James Joyce Weird questionable hiring even according to them

Maureen Dowd is the one who thinks chatbots are a new species created by tech tycoons.

Nepotism or something else?

🤣

Don't think Bedbug hasn't been taking notes from Brooks

Does this mean he's getting a divorce?

I have experience working part-time. Do I need any other qualifications?

Everyone else is tagging @davekarpf.bsky.social but this would be an even better job for @nytpitchbot.bsky.social

Are you a manipulative sociopath who also hates fashy dipshits? Would you like to slowly, secretly, subtly destroy the life of such a dipshit? Well, you will never get a better opportunity than this to live your dream.

Does it say: Must assist in writing the type of subtle Right Wing propaganda that liberal audiences are willing to read to prove how open minded they are.

Applying for and getting this job for the sole purpose of subliminally transmitting the word "bedbug" to Bret Stephen's inbox seven times a day

Sounds like it's to do his job for him.

"Must be able to sanewash even the most outrageous comments from the president"

Guess it'd be a cool job if you slip exlax into your bosses coffee until he dies

For free, I'll tell him diatomaceous earth.

He calls you an antisemite if you take a 35 minute lunch.

Assistant Bedbug

... Why does a columnist need an assistant?

83k for Hybrid in New York. get serious.

@davekarpf.bsky.social has the chance to do the funniest thing here

I imagine the job is to take one of the three columns Bret has ever written and rewrite the same lukewarm take, topped with a tenuous link to the latest news or right-wing outrage. Every so often, you have to take Bret out for ice cream when he discovers people being mean to him on the internet.

Grrrroooooooossssss

You could not pay me enough to do this. Let alone 80k pretax in NYC

Why does he need an assistant he writes the same column over and over

Why are they letting these dudes hire assistants still? Y'all remember what happened the with Brooks? www.washingtonpost.com/news/reliabl...

Mother fucker needs researchers for shitty fact-free columns?

but you can destroy him from the inside

If the brain worm didn't get RFK2...

Why does an opinion columnist need an assistant?

🤮

there’s not enough money in the world

Dude cant even come up with his own opinions

@ifbookspod.bsky.social

They're already on it, this dropped this morning

Yup, that's why I tagged them

Michael Hobbes could do the funniest thing

@michaelhobbes.bsky.social

I will do it, but only if I can reverse the position on everything he gives me. www.youtube.com/watch?v=MD9Y...

Great clip! More than half a century later, my affection & adoration for @roblowe.bsky.social hasn't dimmed one iota. His is the only "After School Special" I remember watching 😁

He needs helping being an asshole?

I'd apply under the name Franz Kafka

Not for a fuckin' million.

manningkrull.com/digital-phil...

Do they make you punch a trans person and a starving Palestinian to get hired?

Not the bedbug!

the bed bug? that Brett Stephens?

Am I required to be nice to him if I was hired? Because I have no issue calling him a bedbug to his face.

Seems a bit soonish for a "Secretary" reboot...

Imagine what David Brooks’ interview would be given history with assistants 😳

I’d be tempted to hate-apply for that job… “This position would be a very meaningful one for me, and I would be highly motivated by the opportunity to help Mr. Stephens write columns that are at least somewhat less insufferably stupid”

@driftglass.bsky.social , an employment opportunity for you!

@davekarpf.bsky.social has the chance to do the funniest thing

I would need $150k minimum

I could absolutely do this. Just sending emails like: "Looks great, man! -Sent from my Blackberry🍇"

"in addition to extensive hours researching subjects outside of the columnist's expertise, the assistant will need strong powers of empathy to be deployed when the columnist is bullied by online mob adherents"

@davekarpf.bsky.social wanna moonlight?

If i had to pick one single use case for the chatbot slop, this would 100% be it

Look at all the people with disposable income making jokes

I don't want the job, but I would love to secure an interview with him. I wouldn't even be embarrassed by being thrown out of the building.

Over 100 people are very desperate for work. Which is kinda sad for Bret

Sometimes I appreciate Bret Stephens perspective, and other times, I disagree with him 100% because he is such a staunch unprincipled republican.

Job description: "Bret tires easily.. can you dash off 800 word whinging, facile columns if required? They're only good for hate clicks, after all."

Laura. Dear god please.

adding a dose of spiro and estrogen tablets to his coffee at every opportunity to see what happens for fun and profit

If I could afford the pay cut, I’d just subscribe to ChatGPT and have it do all the work.

For like a one time cost of ~$5000, they could use heat treatment and be rid of the bedbug for good.

Why don't they just get him a chat bot assistant?

i know the perfect candidate

Would be a downgrade for Rosco tbh

I just want to see how he reacts when you call him a bug to his face

It's 90k in dry cleaning for my bedbug costume alone.

“Bedbugs need not apply.”

first day on the job, elevator: Person 2: [nose wrinkles] that's different. what's that fragrance you're wearing Me: [awkward cough] it's called RAID, i think

That doesn't work on bedbugs!

#BretBug

cc: @davekarpf.bsky.social LOL

why would someone need to have a sense of good writing for a job assisting bret stephens?

Also: Why would they need a commitment to verification and facts?

LMAO at "dive into unfamiliar material on deadline"! $81K/year for writing "I don't get it; next"

Smells like a ghostwriter

Someone should absolutely circle back in three month and see which unqualified nepo-baby they hired to fill this job description

“Why are you interested in this position? “It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. I’ve been wanting to be within arms reach of Bret Stephens ever since I read his first opinion piece.”

So, Bret needs assistance with forming his opinions?!

Why does he need an assistant?

80k to name check bedbug?

He needs help to write that shit?

Given his op-ed in 2019 had a broken Google Books link...probably? xD

had no idea "assistant bedbug" paid that well

I would have guessed David Brooks is dating

Okay, but if I can write better than he can, do I get to switch jobs with him? And how quickly would that be obvious to the higher-ups? One week? Two, tops?

You might write better... but will you write *what the NYT wants you to write* better than Bret can churn out the nonsense they want?

No. No, I will not.

That's the tough part of the gig... it requires you to evaporate any sense of morality or individuality that might exist in your writing.

i'll do it. and prevent him from ever writing again

genuinely, how does a columnist need an assistant

It's a position to be his new mistress/spouse

If he marries her eventually - it's brooks as a verb.

Brett, this column is genius! Brett, this food is awesome! You have the best taste in food imaginable! Brett, you have fantastic musical taste! Brett, great fashion sense! Brett, your off-Broadway play recommendations were really amazing! Brett, I'm so very sorry horrible people called you bed

they don't. Assistants are often status perks at big companies

Imagine being able to afford a 80k/year status symbol.

the book bullshit jobs by david graeber has I think a whole chapter on this

i could last all of two hours at this job

Coincidentally That’s the same amount of work he does in a week

Once again, the free market prevails in labor determinism.

That's about the amount of time you'd need to spend per week on this.

Did the “must be master of bad faith arguments and making complex strawmen” part give it away.

Good opportunity for some undercover work. Find out how that train wreck of a budget meeting is run, listen to Joe Kahn direct staff to write dumb shit about Mamdani, see the hand wringing about their normalization of a dictator. Could be fun!

Oh goodness gracious. Our legacy media is so wrong. So out of touch. So sad.

What’s his assistant do? Guy just gives his opinion on things lol

It is not his opinions, just a grift

shit, for 80 grand a year i'd tell the bedbug that his thorax shines like gold

AND David French?

That guy? No way in hell!

Now I’m wondering if I can get paid to say, “That argument makes you look like a moron.”

So glad he'll be able to churn out garbage takes with even more efficiency 🙃

Relevant to today's @ifbookspod.bsky.social subscriber episode

@davekarpf.bsky.social has the opportunity to do the funniest thing...

Does it come with mental health and wellness benefits?

Must be able to clean diatomaceous earth particles from work area

How do you even assist him do you just invent guys for him to be mad at

Maybe? But only on the condition I can use a cattle-prod, horse tranquilizers and LSD for his re-education programming sessions.

not enough money

Tasks include avoiding anything like research

More.than I make a year for way less work. Less brain energy required too.

Newspapers are dying. I have an idea of revolutionizing the print news industry if anyone care to support. I would love to share my idea.

First ethical use of LLM writing discovered

Nooooop

@michaelhobbes.bsky.social

Sometimes I wish I lacked the morals to lie for money, with how much these clowns get paid

"Welcome aboard, here's your first assignment: please brainstorm five examples of why good people in power is bad for society and also, if you have the time, find ten examples where bombing civilians was considered peaceful. Thx!"

Top of Bret's list - 1 Trang Bàng 2 OKC ...

No amount of money in the world, thanks.

I’m late but did we already decide if the assistant will help him cite fewer eugenicists or more?

There would be too much frass dealing with BS.

need to add a 0 to that number and I need it in advance because I'm kicking his ass by the end of week 2

literal lol

Congrats to @mobute.bsky.social on becoming Bret Stephen's new Opinion Columnist Assistant!

Exactly how many people does it take to create one column of asinine drivel?

Of course it is

The @nytimes.com is a sickeningly corrupt organization

Late stage capitalism meets late stage journalism

We still talking about that horrible bedbug?

At least it pays well. But not for being his servant and what could this job actually be, you don’t need an assistant to help write as little as he does and no research is required either, clearly

It's not really very good pay if you have to live in NYC these days.

Bret Stephens AND David French 😬