I always wondered where this guy ended up.

Medevac, medevac, we need a medevac, Davis tripped over his shoelaces, man down man down

“Sir, sir, we need emergency exfiltrate. Randy lost his bandana and may have been recognized.”

Classic Randy

To My Very Dear Wife: Indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days, perhaps to-morrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write a few lines, that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more. Today we battled at a Wendys. Two soda fountains were out

And the soft ice cream? TELL ME THERE WAS SOFT ICE CREAM.

well god damn

Alexa play Ashokan Farewell [kazoo cover]

Dearest Clementine, Another harrowing journey into the heart of darkness has left me with a terrible sunburn on the top half of my face. We lost another man today. He was struck with a Nerf sword by a toddler on a slide. I dream of you and our children, Brad, Bradley, and Kyle. Give them my best.

For anyone needing a soundtrack…

my dearest Martha, I fear we may starve, the in’n’out has run out of ketchup and you know I cannot partake of freedom fries without it

My sweet Frieda, MacArthur Park is melting in the dark. I don't think that I can take it because it took so long to bake it and I'll never have that recipe again. Yours, Fritz

the sort of bro who played call of duty and thought the "defend burger town" level was aspirational rather than satire have grown up and now have badges & guns

My dearingest darlingest Sophia, Today rations were lower than normal. We can hear the enemy playing football nearby. We ordered pizza on uber-eats but nobody would deliver it. Helicopters buzz overhead all the time. We do not know if they are ours, or belong to the nearby taco stands. Pray for me

An entire generation is learning why “flatfoot” is a term for cop

My dearest son, If I fail to return from my stroll past the summer camp children playing in the park, melt down the loose metal in the house for musket balls and look after your mother…she is, alas, still waiting for shredded cheese for her fajita

Overheard

Beloved Victoria, I named you for the hopeful victory that would protect your way of life for eternity. The juggalos are upon us, please know if you see images of me drinking Faygo that I was forced.

My Beloved Sweetheart, This may be the last words from me. There are people on the balconies, we can not see if they are armed. Our Commander tragically passed away after too many milk shakes at McDonald's. If I return in a body bag, I tried my best to fight MS13 and I love you.

My dearest Bayleigh, I am jotting down these lines as we prepare to meet the enemy. I can hear their vile taunts as they draw ever closer, casting aspersions upon the size of our generative organs. Should I perish at their hands, know that we, to a man, surpass the national average in this regard.

I cackled. 😂🤣😂🤣😂

pan across a paused TikTok video as a dubstep remix of "Ashokan Farewell" plays.

Everyone in the park is dancing to Niamos

My dearest Clarene, We have taken the Taco Bell but not without loss. Half of our squad was lost to a Baja Blast.

BONG

Dear Mother, After hours of struggle, we finally took the play-ground from the children. Much glory to my brave comrades. We lost many men to the swing-set and upon that accursed merry-go-round.

I sprained my wrist trying to dig the M-60 pit to cover MSR Wilshire. The range card is gonna be a nightmare

encountering multiple IEDs* *(irritable enteritis dieticians)

better watch out fellas www.isishairsalon.com