do you guys think it's appropriate for me to bring 2 year olds to "a small grave-side service" for my friend/bartender who obviously they didn't know but otherwise i can't go, and i can't take them to the more casual wake at the pub he worked at either because it's at the pub. it's outdoors
In the short term, I guess bring the kids, but in the long term you need to establish a relationship with a regular babysitter who you can call on in situations like this, also useful if you get sick suddenly or something.
I think it might mean a lot that it was important to you to be there. If it felt odd, or just appropriate to do it, you could get there a bit early & discretely check with the family before the service. Being outside, you could adjust as needed. Were I them, I'd be glad you & the lads were there.
Definitely take them. I was not allowed to attend a service when I was little and have always regretted it.
Bring the babies! Babies cheer people up. I carried my friend's 3 year old around my brother's wake and the slightly older girls were zipping around and it was good. His family will be happy to see that he had nice friends.
nothing inappropriate about it, but we had to take our two year to a couple funerals, and boy howdy did he think graveyards were interesting places that had *lots* of neat stuff he wanted to look at. my wife ended up barely being able to take in the service
he's not wrong! i wonder if i could bring some crayons and show them how to do rubbings of (modern, non-fragile) gravestones nearby, that might keep them occupied. graveyards really are cool and beautiful and fascinating, i totally get it
yeah, my wife did show him how to do some rubbings with a pencil, and that was a hit. the main thing was making sure he didn't try and grab the various flags and baubles at the grave sites. they were also long-ish religious services, and this sounds like it probably won't be as long
oh yeah no i'm thinking probably half an hour tops
children are a part of the world. good to teach them about serious situations, too. i think it's perfectly reasonable
I think the family would probably be comforted by seeing the families of people who loved him. and like you said, you can always take them elsewhere if they get fussy! I think you should take em, you'll probably regret not going otherwise
like i don't know his family at all so i feel weird showing up and just being like oh btw here are my children, but if they're loud or disruptive i can take them to play in another part of the graveyard, it's really nice and huge and full of big shady oak trees and a creek, plenty of space
i'm not worried about them being upset by the idea of a funeral, they're gonna have to go to a lot of those so might as well get used to it, i just don't want to disturb his family if it turns out to be just us and his family
Personally i don’t think it’s a problem
Babies are a gift at funerals. They remind people that life keeps going. And yes, if they get squirrely you can go play far enough away that it won’t be disruptive.
idk i got hauled to a lot of funerals as a toddler i think it's fine
yeah me too but they were mostly family and in a catholic church and catholic churches are always full of random babies milling around anyway
I think generally families would appreciate more friends being present to honor their loved ones more than they would get annoyed at a 2 year old being a 2 year old.
I might ask the officiant or funeral directors, if you know who they are & don't want to ask the grieving family. I think it's probably fine if you can take them away if they're disruptive, but I go to a church where we have soup kitchen guests milling about and sortof dropping into and out of Mass.
this is just being run by the funeral home, he wasn't religious and i doubt there will even be an officiant beyond someone setting up chairs and a shade tent and then taking them down, i've been to several services before run by this funeral home and they're real casual
My brother died a few months ago and hearing children laughing and crying and being kids was one of the few things that actually helped me get thru it
Stay home with the kids and write a nice note to the family.
I don't see the problem. They won't understand what is happening and that's okay. But they can be there and watch, or they can go and play somewhere. But if you're concerned, could ask his family ahead of time, couldn't you?
i don't know them at all and there's no contact info in the obituary, all it says is "small grave side service followed by a wake" and info about where to send donations
So, you bring the kids, who will have no idea what a grave is; they'll think it's an outdoor gathering, & they'll go and play. When they're older, you can explain "death." For now, focus on doing the right thing: honoring your friend. (Forgive the typos in my previous. Hope you knew what I meant!)
I had to take the 4 year old with Downs who I nannied for to a funeral once. We just explained it as a "sad party" and she was great.
I think it's fine, I've seen people do basically the same thing and no one batted an eye
Yes. Absolutely.
I think it's fine. If the kids get fussy you can always step aside with them.
I think it's weird that there's an expectation that children shouldn't be at life events like that. The point is for the community to memorialize that person. Kids are part of the community. So are mothers.
I'm side-eying the planning just a bit. There should be explicit allowances for kids. (At my grandma's funeral, the family hired a babysitter for the long church service part)
i think maybe nobody in his family has kids? they're older and i think they're expecting the clientele of the pub who know him to be older too, so it didn't occur to them to have something under 21s could attend other than graveside. but i happen to like pubs full of old men lol
Yeah, I get it and I don't really want to blame a grieving family. But like... There should be standard funeral customs that do a better job of accommodating more kinds of people, y'know?
been to a lot of funerals the last 15 years and I can't think of a single one where small children were unwelcome. I'm sorry about your friend
I don’t, actually.
I was worried when mine were running around during a small graveside service but ended up being told by the family that it was nice to have the kids there laughing and playing. I’m sure mileage varies, but I think it’s fine and the effort is appreciated.
Yes. They will be cute, not know what's going on, and people will get a chance to think about the circle of life.
I think it will be really touching for his family to know that he had a friend who cared so much that she loaded up two pterodactyls in order to pay her respects.
Yes. Took my kids to funeral services. It was good for them to get used to being at ceremonies and there's something really life-giving about having children being a part of community rituals.
i have been enforcing a "sit down nicely on your bottom or i turn off mister rogers" during morning mister rogers time to try to get them used to sitting down nicely on their bottoms in situations that require sitting down nicely on our bottoms, in anticipation of this eventually coming up
You have really good boundaries as a mom. They will do great! (Also, sorry for the loss of your friend).
Yes, it’s appropriate. They can celebrate a life.
Yes. Provided it's open to the public. (In the funeral tradition I'm most familiar with, graveside services are often family only with a larger memorial service elsewhere and often a public visitation)
You will bring love. Go. If they get too active it sounds like there will be room for them to be 2. They will lighten sad hearts.
My cousins kids being noisy preschoolers at my grandpa's graveside service was one of the most comforting parts. I think it's absolutely appropriate.
cute little kids are always welcome at memorials
I second everyone saying this is fine. Good, even. Funerals are for the community to come together and commemorate the deceased. Your children are part of that community, even if they themselves didn’t know him.
Also, there’s just a certain something about children at funerals. Life goes on. Your friend impacted your life and indirectly impacted the kids’. And that little piece of him, and whatever memories and stories you share, will live on through them.
I think it should be fine! and sorry about your friend
he was a nice guy! big music nerd. bluesky would have liked him if he'd been on here www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/s...
oh he had that really good "tell this man your stories" bartender face he sounds like a GREAT guy, music nerdery included (of course)
boy did he ever know all my stories! i hope it's true what they say about dead men telling no tales because that man had some INFORMATION lol
it's fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine, bartenders are like priests in that regard I think