🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺😜😜

Isn’t a DUI a job requirement?

Check for his child porn !

Demons in saint suits.

Haha that’s pretty quick for him to be drunk after the speech ended isn’t it?? Was he sneaking a flask during it? Who could blame him?

Trump’s speech is a lot easier to tolerate with a few shots of whiskey.

More of those Republican family values.

Another pardon.

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Pete Hegseth is like THANK GOD IT WASN'T ME

😂😂

Good Christian values.

Dammit... Really wish he would have wrapped himself around a highway median.

He believes in Him and the Orange Jesus... the fucking hypocrite..

15 years this would've been a scandal and the guy would've been fired , but now, he is probably getting a raise

lol. Degenerates.

Emperor Nero causing folks to drink. No surprise.

I don’t drink, but I think I’ll start.

Was he with Hegseth?

They stand behind the people who killed police on J6, not sure him standing by him is even news at this point. I have yet to see any instance bad enough for them not to stand by and enable it. And yes, I don’t even respect them enough to speak their names, that’s intentional.

Well, c’mon, who wouldn’t want get shit faced after sitting through that “speech.”

So Rep Al Green gets the boot but Johnson’s DUI Chief of Staff gets a “full faith and confidence" in him from Speaker after hitting a capital vehicle.

I’m pretty sure he’s not going to get charged.

Many people think they can live with doing evil if the pay is right. Unfortunately, they have consciences screaming at them. Drinking is one way to attempt to drown their humanity.

Drunks and alleged pedos need to stick together.

He needs the Beer Goggles app. It's next to Covenant Eyes in the app store. Republicans have to be drinking so much harder than Dems right now to drown the shame.

I didn't even watch it and I wanted to get ripped.

both started at january. but trump got the green card from the supreme court from beginning. The Enabling Law has been given to hitler on the 23 March 1933. both has degenerated the parlament to a praising institution of her glory highness.

lol. lmao, even

I lol’ed

How very "Christan" of them.

I have no sympathy or respect for people who drive drunk. Don’t care about politics. The book should be thrown at their head.

DUI>DEI

This is why they want to assert direct control over the city, then they could waive this away. This is how Republicans operate now: "Laws are for thee, not for me."

Understandable.

They couldn't get sober during the 2 hour speech with at least an hour of preps? Where was the open bar during those 3 hour?

He must be a DUI hire!

' Once he's sobered up he'll be back at his Desk and leading our morning prayer circle'...................................

Johnson supports DUI, but opposes DEI.

He's now qualified to be Secretary of Defense. Look out Pete!!

Just be sure you hit a Capitol Police cruiser when you do it.

Oh, so it's illegal to have a normal metabolism now??

Don’t forget the “transgender” mice! It’s transgenic. Research.

Hayden Haynes, YOU'RE FIRED! Nancy Reagan said it best. “Just Say No!” Alcoholism is a choice! Meth is a choice. Fentanyl is a choice. Plain and simple! Once addicted it isn’t easy to stop. There are many types of addicts and we do not need them running the government! We need janitors though.

Mike Johnson's Spokesman was in the passenger seat when he said that.

Trump lied to the American people and the media. The proof has been exposed. Enjoy. youtu.be/TRdkzNb5VI4?...

Hayden Haynes?!?! Cmon

😂🤣🥴

Anyone would have needed to be drunk to endure 2 hours of Trump...

It's different because he was celebrating. Happy drunk? Cool, cool. Sad? No way That's in a book somewhere

Standing by him huh? lol Shocker.

The party of DUI - Pete what's-his-name and now this drunk. Who is next?

Just the tip of the iceberg.

Pete Hegseth is also his chief of staff?

Johnson only hires the best people just like Trump! That is a joke & laughable! These Republicans are all jerks!

Pardon?

Drunks and rapists seem to be on brand for Republicans. And felonies.

GOP can't govern

I have no idea how these people can live with their hypocrisy.

Hegseth driving school graduate

There is probably a deeper personal reason he wants transgender women to use the mens bathrooms.

Ah good! Another drunk in charge. Hegseth won't feel so alone anymore. 🍻

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Dude, Biden was the arresting officer. Rigged. And paid actors made him get behind the wheel. Do some research!

I guess Republicans think it okay for US Citizens to drive drunk … it’s only a problem when undocumented immigrants do it.

you're never alone when you're drinking!

His case will be dismissed, and the arresting officers will probably dragged online.

Hayden Haynes has worked closely with Johnson for a long time. The two must be, um, close.

drunk driving is only ok when I do it

if anybody has a better way to kill the fight or flight while doing 85 through a school zone I'm all ears but until then maybe check your privilege

The latest Tesla driver-assistance software ($99/month) will get you there in one piece, apparently. Don't ask me how "my friend" knows this.

It's the motto of all white conservatives. They are the party of law and order until its them. Then you need to get the fuck out of the way.

dude The Onion is gonna have a hard time coming up with satirical shit because everything you joke about ends up becoming reality

Well, that’s just bad decorum

Was he driving the country?

Mike Johnson should resign. He is giving the name Johnson a bad rep.

Full faith in a criminal, if convicted...

hahahahaha, there is a 1 billionth to 1 billionth percent chance that he dropped a “do you know who i am” during that questioning

More tax money waste

I drink alone, yeah With nobody else I drink alone, yeah With nobody else Yeah, you know when I drink alone I prefer to be by myself

Yeah, but you didn't risk the lives of others by driving (I hope).

No Uber in DC?

We have the next Secretary of Defense should Hegseth needs to be replaced.

I’m here for you bruh if you need lessons.

Zing!

Hey Mr Onion, I just heard that the Hoover building might be up for grabs. Can you and Mark Cuban maybe buy it? I am sure that building actually has walls that can talk and the story would be compelling!

Way ahead of you dude, cheers!

MAGA party. They seem to take the second word seriously. Wonder how many were drunk on Jan 6.

Who wouldn’t drink and get away from Johnson as quickly as possible before Johnson has to defend the long list of garbage and lies his boss has just spewed out for over an hour

Birds of a feather!!! 😂🤣

Downing his sorrow in alcohol. I need a drink after this shit

i salute you

Substance abusers, pedophiles, and substance-abusing pedophiles

I have every confidence that he did it. Sure he flouts the law - who doesn't from time to time.

Let’s start a pool on how many days it takes for the charges to be dropped. Or should it be hours.

Not surprised that’s what you get when you do shots every time Trump lies during the state state of the union

Hey, I got semi-drunk and high as well. But I did the responsible thing, and spent the $20 for an Uber home, because I am not a Republican dumb shit.

Oh man I was hoping it was Mike Johnson with the dui. Color me disappointed 🤣🤣

Celebrating the death of democracy a little too hard.

Considering how awful and long the speech was, I'm surprised it wasn't something stronger then booze.

It's Bidens fault, shut down the government. 🤣🤣🤣

Mikey serving

have they blamed the "globalists" yet?

Who wasn’t drinking last night!

Was he drinking with Pete (I have Nazi hate symbol, white supremacist tattoos) Hegseth?

Pretty sure someone was drinking on the job.

These types will end up on a DUI charge while plowing into a field trip of schoolkids in a crosswalk, all while in their Cybertruck and praising Musk on X (some of us know ASCII)

Told you you couldn't make this shit up. I did!

Australians are embarrassed for you and your country.

DUIs are unfortunate but they happen and those that get them aren’t necessarily bad people. Should he have gotten behind the wheel? No,but we make dumb decisions everyday. He has to live with the consequences of his actions. The good news is that no one was hurt.

Choosing to get behind the wheel and drive knowing you are drunk makes you a bad person actually. They don't just happen, a person made a conscious selfish choice to put other people in danger. Uber is literally an option.

I have a DUI, I had 2 drinks hours previous and blew under the legal limit, but was 19. My sibling and his G/f had apparently opted to pick up another product of which i I was unaware. The DA decided to make an example out of me and I was unfortunately unable to provide my own legal counsel.

My parents picked up the lawyer for me, but refused to let me file anything with their money other than a guilty plea to tech me a lesson.

Not all stories line up with your judgment of situations.

While clearly said in jest, #self-medicating in times of stress is a societal accepted and unhealthy norm. The urge to check out is understandable and a terrific motivator to begin a healthy habit, bolstering resilience. Meditation, guided or w/frqncies to raise vibration are enjoyable replacements

He heard you and decided to say cheers and drive! Don’t these ppl have staff and aids and money to get a ride instead of risking other civilians by crashing around drunk?

Real men don’t let someone else drive. Even if it kills them.

One person’s murderous felony is another person’s mild annoyance getting home.

If he took a sip every time a Democrat held up a sign, those little auction paddles really were effective.

mike johnson what an as kisssing MF you are history will always remrmber who slod out your own country

Poor kid tried to go drink for drink with Hegeseth, and you see what happened

The volleyball story totally reminded me of the pool scene in Meet the Parents.

Speaker Mike Johnson is an Alcoholic, I know it. They’re like, covering for it for some reason, but I have the strongest feeling that his alcoholism is being kept hidden from the press…

I don’t know one democrat who thinks transgender should be able to compete in sports other than the one they where born , male or female, but I could care less what sex they identify them selfs as , or maybe a transgender only sport, but the point is republicans lie about everything.

I'm raising my glass, too. 🍷

its called drinking their conscience away

😂😂😂

🤣 thanks for a real lol. Amazing.

Hahahahha Oh how I love this Was Mikey in the car also? Porn surfing?

he played the trump speech drinking game too!

Another DUI hire

Epic

Doesn’t surprise me, they are downright stupid!

Anyone wanna take odds on him yelling "Do you know who I am?!?" at the officer?

100% happened 🙄

I’m sure he is also a “Christian” by MAGA standards

"Christian" in the MAGA world is code that's not connected to the common meaning. Kind of like "wise guy" in the Mafia -- these are people revered for their wisdom.

He realizes he has totally lost his soul.

Ahhhh the sweet half an hour of time we can act like there are consequences for republicans before he calls it " political " and gets out with a " we are sorry handjob" of every officer involved.

Careful Tim, you could end up a Cabinet member.

I guess he didn't hit Johnson's car.

I guess he was filled with holy spirits...

😂

La honte.

Was it during the afterparty he was drinking or throughout the speech? Drowning what is left of his Christian conscience.

Different reasons for drinking though. The DUI hire was no doubt celebrating the Führers speech, not drinking to forget

What. It wasn’t Biden’s weaponized justice department that got him charged ?

Can’t all be professional drinkers like Hegswith.

It’s only a sin when THEY do it. We get unending forgiveness.

That's what I do.

In other words, he pulled a Hegseth.

What’s the bets that the charge will be quietly dropped?

I think even people who don't drink needed a shot or three after that!

So they were all pissed whilst the shit-gibbon was prattling on?

It's fine. He'll remind us that he's been redeemed by his Lord and Savior and therefore can never be forced to take responsibility again!

I did not give the Clown-In-Chief a second of my time, that evening because I have much better things to accomplish: like changing USA economic arrangement from bottom up to top down, so it will be SUSTAINABLE; getting power AWAY from the 30% 'ers,negotiate naval and air bases on Formosa!

Rep. Turner had an even stronger reaction

😲‼️

How many DUI hires are there?

Wah Wah

Guess it's not "meritocracy" or the "best of the best".

I got sober 3.5 years ago and the past 6 weeks have been very hard. Thank Gourd for my support system.

Must have been due to a speech drinking game

Can't really blame the guy.

I think we’re all drinking too much these days.

I wonder if he got drunk by taking a shot every time the republicans cheered for Trump’s lies.