😔

Life imitating art is only okay when it's about a prime minister fucking a pig, not a pig fucking Americans.

The tree knew.

he 1000% sucks balls and ass. but the ableist comments here kinda do too. 🙃

fyi you don't have to tell on yourself by demanding this disabled person let you keep disparaging disability. you can insult and hate that man without resulting to cheap shit like that. just saying for the inevitable headassery that will find my comment.

✊💛

Our governor is heartless. He stays in office via gerrymandering

Greg Abbott is "Pro-Life" and "Christian" .

Damn kids wanting to eat. Get a job, kids!

Can't they hire their own writers

it's the proximity to the onion joke that's getting to me, that was 4 days ago only lmao

Imma throw his bitch ass in the gulf of Mexico

Then, to make him even angrier before he drowns… give his wheelchair to a disabled veteran.

It’s hard for The Onion now…reality is crazier than anything they can invent

I’m so confused. Didn’t the unSCOTUS green light this?

Abbott is a monster.

How very Christian of him.

Exhibit #327 of why I believe @theonion.com is staffed by time travelers who are trying to warn us without disrupting adjacent timelines.

Our horrible troll of a Governor did the same in Iowa, blaming "childhood obesity."

Well, that’s some fucked up American Dickensian shit.

Oklahoma, too! Ours claimed the cost of administering the plan was too onerous 🙄

Not to mention all those strings attached. Which he conveniently never said what strings were attached. I still remember Mary Fallin and the expanded Medicaid. She just said "we can't afford it" and that was that. These people are not deep thinkers.

IIRC his fake concerns were that the feds would attach conditions to the funding. Maybe something like "Here's the money but you can't look in kids' drawers"

Damn gubmint not gonna tell me what to do.

"Saying the pampered 6-year-old seemed to think someone should provide her with a midday meal on a regular basis, sources told reporters Thursday that local entitled child Harper Wiley expected to eat lunch each day of her young life."

As a Minnesotan, where kids eat shool lunch for free...jesus fuckin christ.

What a mooch! My kids are greedy like that too. I have to feed them every single day! It’s exhausting.

I didn't realize that this was parody ("The Onion") until I already thought that it was real news posted by some guy with a weird last name.

can we get a brown kid next time, just for the optics, thanks🧡-ZL

They gotta find a way to get the average worker on the hook for those for-profit prisons and concentration camps: www.prisonpolicy.org/research/eco...

😢

No Free Lunches Harper! Back to your work-station!

See this poem: I Like to Think of Harriet Tubman. thebeautifulkingdomwarriors.com/2016/04/27/i...

That entitled For example Nobody asked to be born There are two sentiments when saying “entitled” These kids hadn’t asked to be born And yes Folk went neglected while that outta not continue just because we are demanding better for the present day and ongoing forward populations

While our kicked out of homeless shelter studio Appartment during his disoriented grieving his mother window Cousin Jedi Said “you are entitled to things” in a non contemptuous Sincerely implying that I deserve things instead of implying that we don’t & are preposterous with our demands

Our concerns Our wishes Our requests

Gratitude within encouragement of improvement that’s warranted Versus Discouragement & denial Harshness & shooting us down

Negating sentiments

When I was a boy, we didn't eat at all, but we did walk to school in a snowstorm uphill both ways.

Obviously her fault her parents are degens

Giving the govt power over more and more makes us collectively and individually weaker, poorer, and less free. Using emotional extortion to advocate for the permanent subjugation of the working class to pay for everything is more like colonialism.

"Which is why I'm a Nazi"

go away hitler lover

p.s. labor is entitled to all it creates, and that includes food for their children, bootlicking fuckwad

Madam, I'm not sure you know who "labour" is: private sector working class. All government "work" is privileged because it's created from the tax revenue of the private sector working class. When govt workers pay tax it doesn't add to our collective wealth.

its not spelled "labour" dumbass this is merica we spoke AINGLISH

workers paying most of the taxes that fund imperial projects and a small sliver of benefit services is also a skill issue. we should all be creating for each other, not so that some billionaire dipshit can skim everything off the top. there's plenty of goddamned resources to feed children.

to put it simply so even a dumbass like you can understand: the colonialism is the rich assholes taking nearly everything we create, and all our wealth, not allocating some of the few scraps given to us back to our collective welfare

Who wrote the laws that let them do that?

the billionaires themselves

At a school where she is required by law to attend, no less >:(

Republicans are the FUCKIGN problem!

That money gotta go to oil tycoons!

I hate it when the line between the onion and reality is blurred

Greg Abbott is as corrupt as Trump. He only thinks about what can make him money and his friends.

As always with Republicans, the cruelty is the point.

It would be nice if The Onion stopped publishing the actual news.

Wouldn't it be fair if Abbott went hungry sometime in his life?

Wild. And not in a good way.

A reminder that the world these conservatives want is a nightmare for everyone, including their voters

We live in a South Park episode

Hot Wheels cut children’s hot meals. Pro-life until birth, but not one second afterwards! Rot in the eternal fires of Hell you worthless fucking hypocrite!

I suspect the plan was to avoid criticism of state legislators by allowing them to vote for it knowing that Abbot would veto it.

Kids demand food on plates be handed to them

Hot Wheels is an evil man…

If there’s a Hell, Abbott will be roasted on a spit. What a despicable, cruel sob he is. Like Trump, Abbott is on the wrong side of every issue.

I wish somebody would eat Greg Abbott's lunch. In a very adamant way.

Have you done a piece already about how children need to be in the mines making money not eating lunches and in schools? Cuz how long before Texas okays mineral mining for youths? Or working in oil fields..w.e.

Haha. Also. theonion.com/kids-react-t... bsky.app/profile/nonv...

I Fuckin’ hate that Fuck! To me this is a form of child abuse! No Excuse for cruelty!🖕💩🤬👿

They cut this despite being a top 10 economy in the whole world. Greedy priks.

Abbot will pay dearly for his cruelty. He has sealed his eternal fate: For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink Matthew 25:42

Texas is gonna put the Onion writers out of a job at this rate

But he would probably buy them guns 🙄

Trump eats free lunch courtesy of our tax dollars every day. You should show his picture!

Please stop doing that.

America: We will force you to carry a child to term even if you are dead but will let that child starve once it’s born.

Iowa, too iowacapitaldispatch.com/2025/06/16/i...

Check the dates The Onion predicting the future as usual

You will have those kids so we can then starve them. Fucking cancer of a state.

Well, there’s the difference between Texas vs Minnesota: Texas - Let kids starve MN - Feed the children Hmm.. 🤔 🤨

Of course, he did, cuz…Christian values and all. I know some folks who benefited from this program. Shame on him.

What scares me about AI is not that it takes away lame ass jobs that occupy our existence. It’s that they will let us starve when there are no more lame ass jobs to occupy our existence.

Can some brave, upstanding tree get to work already?

Greg Abbott should be The Onion's Man of the Year!

Because they are taller than him ??

God he sucks so much. Texas also has a pretty high child suicide rate. Texas hates kids.

It was supposed to be satire, you fools!

They're looking to The Onion for inspiration, apparently.

Though very morbid, check out a book called Man’s Search for Meaning—it’s partly a recollection of the Holocaust for a survivor, but it highlights how people can become very accustomed to cruel and brutal treatment. Let’s not go there, MAGA.

Ship has sailed. In some parts of Texas, for a few decades.

Touché.

Scumfucking PERRA!

This Onion headline encapsulates why I decided to subscribe. I'm out of work and money is tight, but $99 per year is a great price to a) keep it alive and b) to have the print versions on display when friends come over. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

There was no cut-out for the children of poor, white evangelicals.

How fortunate Texas is to have a governor with the courage to stand up to Big School Lunch!

These kids need to be at work in the meat packing plants and the farms delivering us OUR food, learning the value of hard work

Ideally for 10 cents an hour

And the lunch costs $0.80 each amirite

Oh goodness no. What is this, communism? $15 like it is for the grown adults

Are you crazy!? They owe us for the housing and showers we "provide" on site in this company town. We simply deduct 10 cents per hour from their debt for our generosity.

I like the way you think.

I had to get up in the morning at 10:00 at night, 1/2 an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work 29 hours/day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come work, and when we got home, our mum & dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing 'Hallelujah'.

And later say how ungrateful we were for the party.

Well when I was a kid I had to piss into a lead garden hose and drink out of a public toilet, which I walked up a 95% slope to get to and then up another 95% slope to get home, before having to spank myself because my father had left a year prior for a pack of smokes

(Just for anyone who doesn't know where I stole this from). www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlIX...

Damn, a Python bit I hadn't heard yet. Much appreciated.

Technically it was pre-Python (it originally appeared in "At Last the 1948 Show", which Chapman & Cleese were part of before Python), although it entered the Python repertoire later. I first saw it in "Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl".

I won't even dignify the Governor of Texas statement with a rebuttal. He's an angry old man stuck in a wheelchair taking his hatred out on everyone. I also feel sorry for the people in the state of Texas when I found out they've been taken over by Christian Nationalism.

government of, by, and for the billionaires next time, vote for an independent who will actually represent you

Cruelty knows no bounds. I want front roll seats when he is judged!

Institutional Dems do not know how to message against this cruelty. Democratic Socialists absolutely do.

Does “The Onion” have a “Prescient Rating? If so, I’m guessing it’s gotten a boost with this one…

Entitled congress/senate eat every working day. On us.

Plus, they always go over the means charging the public extra.

Buggers

As somebody who would have starved were it not for the school lunch program, this is vile. It's hard to stay focused and learn anything in school when your stomach is eating itself.

When no one was looking, Greg Abott took three-point seventy-five million summer lunches. He took 3,750,000 summer lunches. That's as many as 375,000 tens. And that's terrible.

The Land of the Free: Where we would sooner light ourselves on fire than make sure your children have enough to eat. (What?! What do you MEAN "you don't want to have kids"?!)

Every time.

They scream about litter boxes in classrooms and drag story time but yet ...

i regret to inform you everything they say is lies in service of punishing those they deem unworthy of society.

J.Edgar Hoover said that the Black Panthers' Free Breakfast Program was the most subversive thing they had done.

Kids don’t need to eat as much as Presidents need to play golf.

It's a rumored goal of GOP governors to save 10 million lunches from America's children. The rest is up to Congress.

Ugh, our governor. He doesn’t speak for all of us. Just a very loud minority of voters who actually have time to show up on Election Day.

Iowa’s Gov did the same damned thing. they’re both fockers of the highest order.

The Cruelty of Repukes astounds me.

Abbott all over

Fuck Greg Abbott and anyone who voted against that

no minors🔞

Republicans don't want you to live the life you hope for for yourself or your loved ones. They want you to live the life THEY believe you deserve. And they don't believe you deserve shit. Not a goddamn thing.

Abbott sorted out that nasty THC kerfuffle in record time, though. The Texas weed lobby has many more dollars to spend on politicians than a bunch of hungry school kids would. Bootstraps, amiright?

As a Texan I can say with 100% truth that Greg Abbott is absolutely one of the most vile, evil, and wretched human beings to ever spawn on this planet.

Somehow the TX Lt. Gov. (Dan Patrick) and AG (Ken Paxton) are demonstrably worse, however.

Yeah, they're all in the running for the "Shittiest Human Being Alive" award.

Our governor (Nebraska) made this exact move and changed his mind after a group of teens from a civic club made the case for keeping the program.

Why did he veto it?

Republicans don’t care about kids, unless they can rape them or control women with them

Republicans!

Wait I thought they were pro family?

Greg Abbott is a real life Scrooge

If I could live in a world where the Onion didn't predict the future, that would be nice.

Please stop reporting the news and go back to satirising it

They can't help it if they satirize and THEN the government goes and does it!

Republicans using it as a roadmap. (I hate it here)

Maybe stop satirising in such an approachable way? Look, I just need the Onion to be slightly the other side of ridiculous again, ok? 😂

It could be if the U.S. was slightly the other side of constitutional.

It’s worse than you realize, the TX AG Commissioner has been running ads touting this program for weeks. I truly believe it’s part of a disinformation campaign to make Texans believe the program is still on.

‘I am afraid the funding matches will change,’ said the feckless fuck Abbott, despite the bill including a cancellation provision if funding levels changes

Crazy Legs needs to linger in a crosswalk just a leeetle bit too long

I think there are enough data points to conclude that GOP leaders read The Onion for its sage advice, rather than its satire. Need more bylines by that awesome columnist, Cassandra. She knows what's up!

Someone needs to sabotage the brakes on his Hot Wheels

"Let them eat weed"

Again.

bsky.app/profile/aria...

Amen!

And he will be welcomed into church on Sunday

Pro-life my ass!

Now that you are "shaping policy" Ben, maybe the Onion could put those premonition skills to work. "Texas Governor reverses decision on defunding ADA grants when his own wheelchair was repossessed." You can have that one if you want!

Probably meant to have headline read, "Entitled, WOKE Child Expects... " 😐

Now they're post-fetus, the Republicans have washed their hands of them.

Somebody needs to put that nasty man out of commission.

Breaking

you're starting to scare me Mr. Onion

What if we stopped funding the installation of all those DEI handicapped ramps at government buildings?

Really are "the only news source"

Once they hit rock bottom, they grab a sharper pick axe

Food, medical care, clothing and housing don't grow on trees ya know! How will this country's rich be able to afford a sixth yacht or Learjet?! Ever think of that?! Get jobs, you little monsters! No abortions for you once your fathers and uncles impregnate you either! Save the unborn!

Now, be nice. Listening to millions of poor children weep is the only way Greg Abbott can get an erection. If he’d gone to a real college, he’d be creating the Daleks, but since he’s UT Law, this is the best he can do.

The way this schmuck just rolls up and bitch slaps children, elderly & disabled…