@marisakabas.bsky.social

Some stories are better saved for memoirs or whispered backstage at the concert. Either way, your restraint is probably wise.

Wait. Is the story that Elon knocked up Linda, after a night of really bad ketamine?

Would you like for a substitute to post it? I know how important it is to have great parking at any concert.

You and anonymous

It'll hold till tomorrow dear one

Tell it tomorrow

Do tell. I promise not to repeat anything.

Cool. I'll set my alarm for 5 am

you deserve a brazilian meme for that (and I won't translate or explain it in protest!!!):

She's been manually typing out every Grok response on X since they launched the bot

Live animation takes a terrible toll on the animators wrist

😹😹😹

why is no one asking the important questions here?? who are you seeing?

Exactly. Far more interested in the show.

Me too!

So you tell us about the story you can't tell us? You stink.

Spill it

Teaser of the year.

Cutline: "X CEO ex-CEO"

Ex X CEO

How is it possible that no one beat me to liking this comment?

How can it be that after 24hours in the news cycle no one else came up with this???🤩

Please don't deprive us, Ben

Have fun at the concert

Wait...are you saving it for your book? HAVE YOU BEEN JAKE TAPPER THIS WHOLE TIME?!?!

He’s three Jake Tappers in a trenchcoat

We'll all be up pretty late man, we're weirdos.

Why won’t Zohran Mamdani tell Tim to tell us this story?

Cmon man

Hey, I am also going to a concert tonight. I wonder if it's the same one.

Just tell it to Marisa anonymously and we'll all just pretend we never saw this

Submit it as an Onion story so you can just brush it off as parody

I also have some massively newsworthy bombshells but I have to do the dishes now, c’est la vie

I'll take the hit, attribute it to me. Easy

Is it about that time she poured undiluted sulfuric acid on her career?

Tell us tomorrow, when no one will pay any attention because it's no longer newsworthy.

Ad execs were saying she was desperate and would do "anything". Take from that what you will 🤣

Tim Onion must leek.

Soul Coughing be damned. Post the story!

No, no. Too big a risk.

Please enjoy your life, you deserve to.

Tease

Are you related to Tim Apple?

gestures wildly

who are you seeing

Petey!

nice, i'm going to counting crows tomorrow and im not ashamed to say i am super fucking excited about it

I bought Linkin Park tickets and I am also unashamed.

So tune back tomorrow...? please

I see Eva Braun is leaving the bunker before the cyanide cocktails are served.

*Eva Braun has left the bunker * is my new exit strategy

Do it anyway.

I have a small video game manual reading stream with a small audience so if it helps I can break it and there’s no chance it’ll hit the news..but the 10 people watching will have a blast!

I have no idea who this person is. I think I am better off knowing.

#edit *...better off NOT knowing."

she was always so uncomfortable. Watching her speak was fremdschämen + non-latent imposter syndrome to the maxxxx

How was the concert? ::stares intently::

Just give her an alias, like Linda Y.

oh go on now you're just teasing us - she is the worst of her kind we need this out there

😶

Change the names to protect the innocent. Or leak it tomorrow.

Give us the goddamn Linda story right now

Right. You can see the Spin Doctors another time.

Tell us later....

Share it tomorrow with a concert review!

Who are you seeing? I'm seeing Elvis Costello.

I thought he was married

Only to Imposters.

I can understand the Attractions

You better tell us right after the concert 👏🫡

Tomorrow? Promise? 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 Enjoy the concert 😎

Yaccarino tease.

What if you post it right before the concert and then enable airplane mode. That’s fair!

There are so many, was it from her time at NBC Universal?

Do tell…

nothing illegal but she is a company culture killer. Continued reorganizations killed moral. Many of the same things you are hearing from X/Twitter employees now.

😂

Publish it in America's finest news source

Lots of time between now and tonight

What show are you going to?

Too late. Police Gazette already has the scoop. Linda Yaccarino is leaving X to become public relations manager for the Florida concentration camp. She said she wanted a challenge.

The one where she was caught trying to walk out of Costco with a stolen tomahawk steak in her leggings?

Save it for the book tour, Bolton!

Why does this feel like a dril tweet

See if the news can come

not before taking care of the rest of us . . . 😏

What evs. Enjoy the show.

Is your story about why she’s stepping down as CEO of X?

Tell the NYT you are about to scoop them

He’s not a white supremacist, they don’t care about being scooped by The Onion. That happens a couple times a day and they’re used to it.

The comments. 🤣

We will wait.

Pretty please?

You TEASE!

Really? You're just gonna tease and then leave me like this?

We will be here tomorrow

Just pull a Jake Tapper and release it four years from now

If it’s another whitewash story, NPR may be interested

Just….put it in your newspaper and go to your concert?

Just put it in The Onion and people will not be sure if it is true or not so you won't get in trouble!

I hope it rhymes with "Macarena."

Did she do anything other than collect a paycheck?

Yes, she lost one.

You mean Ben doesn’t really have a scoop?

Ben...?

Aka Tim onion.

He still might. He made it sound like he still had something to do with her.

are you back from your concert yet, mr onion?

Man, I want to hear the story, but you're probably doing the right thing here

cmon

Just have Grok tell it

just hold federal tax dollars until what's owed is paid

This post is now 3 days old. The concert is over. What is your story?

Post it right before the concert then turn off your phone

Airplane mode! Gotta be able to take pictures and video and hold it up in flashlight mode for the ballad.

Hope Linda Yaccarino doesn’t get AIDS!

Looking forward to it! In the meantime enjoy the concert tonight!

The story is, she killed Epstein.

And stole the list from Pam Bondi's desk.

Fair enough. What time does the concert end?

tell us an unrelated story, about someone named Shminda Schmackarino

Drop it RIGHT before you go into the show.

Nice try. I’m sure it will still be news tomorrow, Tim.

Just like I said. People just won’t shut up about the CEO of Twitter resigning. It’s kinda crazy.

Is she on the Epstein list?

Post it as anonymous and enjoy the concert

Does it involve her selling her soul for cash, but stupidly?

I’m also a Ben. Can you just give me the Cliff’s Notes and I’ll relay it to the necessary folks?

👀

You publish a newspaper — you ARE the news!

Spill the beans!!

Send it to @nytpitchbot.bsky.social Let them post it.

Sorry, Tim, but who doesn't? If you wait until after the concert, it will be old news. 😏

Is it about her sucking so hard at NBC that she thought *Elon* (!) could save her?

Pull a Jake Tapper and wait a while before revealing it.

😂👏😂

But I read that no one uses this site. You can post it here. No one will see it.

Yeah it’s just us

Just us 12 liberals

and, like, one trans anarchist.

count me in, now its 13

And JD Vance shouting into the void

"12 angry liberals"

12 liberals and 1 talking horse.

thank you for acknowledging me

Oh my god I love it here.

Who's the horse?

@horsedisc.bsky.social 🍏

When you think of it, gay revolution is smelly and harmful bullshit which never should have been invented and any proper anarchist movement should seek to abolish it.

Now you’ve done it

probably one of them Umamusumes

*looks around nervously*

Why? Warm for his form?

Wilber. He talks though.

Once you figure that out, you unlock Bluesky 2

*shhh* you may have told me too much...

Dammit who snitched

Y'all just made my day. Lol!

I loved Mr. Ed!! ❤️😂

Exactly.

Just us and your *mumblecough* followers. But we won’t tell.

😂

Nobody here but us chickens.

If the news can catch you

Tell me, I'll repeat it. I have zero plans

Timothy Roosevelt Onion you tell us that story right now.

When your classmates discovered your middle name was there overmuch towel snapping and singing "Whole Lotta Rosie" in the locker room?

Huh. Here I was thinking it was Timbert.

just had to come back to say I am laughing about this every time I see “Tim Onion”

Who we seeing, Chief?

Who ya seeing ? And if it's not Sierra Ferrell , it needs to be 🥳

Wording sounds like the concert's not your idea, flavor? May you enjoy. Looking forward to Yaccarino tea later?

oh god, lol

She sabotaged Grok?

Flex.

She is already big news today. Feels like the time is now for piling on.

She loves a good chop suey sandwich too?

Someday u’ll tell the Linda story. But not today. Today u vibe.

Simply publish it in your fine news outlet!

Linda's not going anywhere dude. 😉

Coward.

Oh DAMN!

Okay, but what if you told us after the concert?

Beeeeeeennnnnnn. Come on.

She stepped down as CEO of X. Is the how it happened part of it? Spill it ....after your concert.

Tee hee. I bet Tim knows the reason.

Maybe your Canadian cousin Timothee Oignon could help

Or maybe someone from Wales. Their national symbol is the leak, after all. What's that? The LEEK? Never mind.

So...tomorrow?

Tell it tomorrow morning it will keep

Glad to see you and @katmabu.bsky.social are enjoying Chicago! We sure are enjoying your presence and participation!

Spill the beans

Just use your burner account, Mr. Onion

Give it to the NYT but just tell them it’s about Mamdani

Oh c'mon!!!

tell it to me and i can post it so it sounds like a lie i made up

Tomorrow, then?

You are writing a book, aren’t you?

DM it to me an absolute nobody nobody will believe me!

My DMs are open.

tease

What concert?

Hot dog

Jumping frog

Albuquerque

Damn you, Tim.

Watching this space.

Do it tomorrow

Dear Mr. onion Please tell us a story about the MechaHitler lady

🤔 bsky.app/profile/ones...

hot dog

If you buy one of my prints, you will not have to go to concerts anymore. You can enjoy top-quality artwork from the comfort of your home!!! Dm for details!!! Serious inquiries only.

Tell it at the concert

Hope you're going to Los Bitchos

Primus at Red Rocks?

Tell us the story and wear one of these to the concert. The news will never recognize you.

Tick a lock, Tim, tick a lock...

hi ben

ben can be an anonymous source, right, that's the standard now, even if it is known on social media already?

I think it's fine as long as he says up front that he is not authorized to speak on the record. IANAL, obviously.

i think you can call him "an academic"

an independent researcher

"alliumtim, which i believe is a misspelling of aluminum, had this story about the everything x-ceo..."

maybe just give the interview as bryce tetraeder

Entrepreneur and journalism executive

That’s Bryce

a gadfly

a Trump voter in a Midwest diner

"According to an anonymous independent media publisher..."

🤣🤣

Marisa makes a good point

@bencollins.bsky.social Ben, is this about how she was a Jerry Sandusky innocence truther, and only scrubbed it from her social media when she became Twitter CEO?

That. Would. Explain. A lot. But Grok coming out as Mechitler (sp?) was a bridge too far?

Pedocon theory is law

Noo 🤣

Nooo! Thank God for Keegan Michael Key now that Saquon went full MAGA.

Please tell me she didn’t go to Penn State

She absolutely did. It’s in her bio

Christ

Oh no her senior year was my freshman year help

😭 another stain on my Alma mater

I see a win win situation in development

One could argue, the *best* point.

I think you are confused. That's Mr. Onion. His first name is likely Tim.

Everything is happening on Bluesky.

Except having the ability to #edit an original post. I love it here but I also love correcting myself. @jay.bsky.team @pfrazee.com

I have never had notifications "on". So 🤷‍♀️

But hey, at least I’ll get notified when my reposts get liked! (A useful feature for sure, but not as important as “not having to copy a 3 post text thread into Notes so it can be reposted without a typo in the middle)

Case and point: I dropped this and can’t put it back where it belongs: “

blind item let's go

Marisa do you have a concert to go to, can you be the conduit

ready to serve

I would like to see this crossover event.

Get his ass.

Send it to Pete Hegseth. We’ll hear about it from there.

I can stand in for you Playing the role of Tim Onion on The News tonight is Bluesky User DP

Spill that tea 🍵 brother Onion 😆

Tomorrow?

can you just whisper it so the news doesn't hear

Whispering makes them more likely to hear it. If you want them to ignore something, you have to shout it and mention lots of verified sources…

So—tomorrow morning, then? 😃

Just whisper it here. Real quiet like. We'll keep it close to the vest.

The scum right-wing judge in Texas won't dismiss the utterly bogus lawsuit filed against Media Matters (Media Matters accurately reported that Musk's Twitter put pro-Nazi shit next to Apple and Disney content).

This tease will not stand, man

It can wait a day

I was told Bluesky is an echo chamber, the right wing news won’t pick it up!

we blocked them for a reason

share with the class

Just tell us the story and then turn your phone off. C’mon.

Do tell!!