I thought you guys did satire

Rupert Holmes, FTW! Answering Machine, even more period.

Not going to lie, I want to hear Kendrick's cover of Escape because it would be a certified banger and Sex Cadillac Velvet Candles Sex by Bruno Mars because it would just be a fun time. But "The Song Your Teen Daughter Blares After Slamming Her Bedroom Door" by Wet Leg needs to be higher. 😁

Come on, man. He's a known MAGA, his biggest hit has got to be Molesters Against Gettin' held Accountable

Who doesn't "like making love at midnight, in the sands of the cape"

Make U A Sandwich is a jam.

Oh dear for a second I got excited that Bruno Mars has new music out and I didn't clock the Sabrina joke like at all 😭

I was reading my copy of The Onion this morning and this was on the final inside page. I was crying laughing at some of these songs. "I Can Do The Splits Good (Watch)" by Tate McRae followed by "God's Favorite Shithead" by Morgan Wallen was just genius.

Ok but I want to hear the Kendrick Piña Colada song

Slurring Slurs is just a recording of the parking lot at any bar in the south at 1am

I was here to declare "Slurring Slurs" to be art, but then Kendrick Lamar on Piña Colada? I just can't.

Surely all these should be Kpop Demon Hunters tracks?

tim if this is a job at the onion can i have it pls my qualifications are i was a one direction fangirl as a kid who ran a 10k follower blog

our bravest soldiers 🫡 (2.5k blog here)

I guarantee "Make u a Sandwich" would be hilarious and fun to sing in the car tho.

Dammit when you post stuff like this I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not since the “real” is so awful 😂😭

One of the things that makes me feel alienated is my hatred of the Pina Colada Song. It's about two shallow, selfish assholes sneaking around with the intention of cheating on one another, and concludes with both of them admitting they never bothered to get to know each other. A perfect match.

I've never understood the (usually women) who think the song is in any way "romantic." Plus, it sucks on a purely musical level. /End of rant/

I came here to say fuck that song. I hate it with every fiber of my being lol

these are unbelievably good

Can't believe Morgan Wallen has two hits off his new "I Say DEI With A Hard R" album at the same time.

Fingers crossed he sees similar success with the next obvious single on the album, "If Jesus is Liberal, I'll Hang Him Up There Again Myself."

Hey man my "Sabrina Carpenter is a tradwife plant" conspiracy is more than just your satire

I couldnt tell these werent real

I get it, I’m old….but what a terrible era for music. At 52 yrs old, I grew up listening to my parents music in the 70’s…and then witnessed the magic of the 80’s, and then the 90’s. Whatever this era is…the music is mostly garbage.

60's and 70's music was the best. Real singers. Real instruments. Real lyrics.

Music today is sterile, uninteresting, formulaic, committee-written crap. Autotune, quantization, overly processed & dull. 90% of everything has always been crap. There IS good music out there. You just gotta find it. Some recent faves: Ghost, The Hu, NIN, Clutch, Korn. Some older, some new.

Stating the obvs here but the Onion writes itself. Please get me out of this hellscape. Please.

Hire me 🪿

👎

And to think people made fun of "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini" as a hit song of a different time.

Every time I accidentally hear a Morgan Wallen song, I lose more hope in humanity.

I need Kendrick's Escape

Somehow it would work.

🎶“If you like Pina Coladas…and you’re not into teens”🎶…oh shit, this one’s a Drake diss track too!

Downloading these even quicker than I bought everything on the Chicago Tribune's Summer reading list.

I caught measles from the Chicago Tribune's Summer Reading List, and you can too!

The two Drake ones are sending me 👀😭🤣 Truly, America's finest newspaper 👏

The new Springsteen track is a real banger.

Honestly this list had me until the second "Sex" in the Bruno Mars song lol

Neil Young does it again

Only inaccuracy is that Kanye West isn't charting anymore, and man this is really funny

didn't notice the onion logo at first and absolutely believed the first two were real

Hell, I believed #5 was real

“God’s Favorite Shithead” is very funny, “Glory to Mussolini” made me cackle

Poe's Law gets me every time

🤮

I would've thought the Jet2 Holiday jingle would make the list, but looks like no.

Slurred Blinds

YOU A WOKE BITCH NOW FUCK ME didn't make it? I think Morgan Wallen did it.

I'll admit that Haim track is a hit.

Slurring Slurs 😂🤣😂🤣

lmao @ "slurring slurs"

Bruno Mars (feat. Smoove B)

Nailed it (all of them)

#1 on the oldies list this week is the Beefty-2's with their smash hit "Bongo Butt."

I guess Wallen’s “Get This Chair Outta Here” slid out of the Top 5.