What I’m doing is copying the structure from the jacket copy of a couple of books that I’m reading right now. I had previously followed every query guide online, got critiques, but it always feels a little muddy. The structure of jacket copy feels waaaay more straightforward and hook-y

Ooh, that's legitimate. I always go back to Janet Reid's advice, honestly - I know it's old school but to me, it's classic for a reason. It's direct, specific, and snappy.