I’m worried that if I don’t loudly express my opinions at every opportunity then nobody will remember me in 10,000 years
In 1977 a heavenly being spoke to me about a head injury that I sustained in 1968
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I’m worried that if I don’t loudly express my opinions at every opportunity then nobody will remember me in 10,000 years
Awooga
I’m rolling along a lot more merrily than you guys. Not a competition but it kind of is
Wait, stop. I’m wired to explode if someone tells me a humorous anecdote
Yeah we didn’t want to pay to call it flamin’ hot so you have to refer to it as dust of a thousand suns. Anyway let’s go again
I listen to rap songs and identify with the sucker mcs
This machine kills fascists sticker on an oyster shucking knife
our interview continued; "a salad can be a man," she mutters, barely above a whisper. "a salad can be two men. two lithe twinks kissing in a bathtub, maybe with a light lemon vinaigrette..." she trailed off, lapsing into a contemplative silence
Do you guys think we’ll stay in touch in hell
Anyone walking around an American city center in a group larger than 5 people is ontologically evil
Sorry sorry, realized right after I posted it and was like ‘she probably won’t see it’
Relaxation is a zero sum game
‘I hate change’ would be a beautiful wedding vow
Biking downtown to look for a weird ingnredient
Maybe it did. No way of knowing
I very clearly remember when they came out with Badtz Maru thinking ‘this is going to change everything for me’
My whole life I wanted to be badtz maru. Maybe it’s finally time to admit to myself that I’m just a keropi
My eyes aren’t smiling, I put them in upside down this morning
lol yeah that’s it
Aw thanks perfect knight you’re cool too
Yeah I definitely think he gets better to read as he ages out of being so performatively whatever character he’s playing all the time
Don’t like it when a Monday is restful for everyone else too. Makes my rest less valuable
There’s a freaking Cheeto in baron harkonnens holtzman suspensor belt
Rip Foucault you would have loved Cap’n Crunch’s cereal-centric approach to biopolitics
The commercials are kind of ambiguous about whether being crunchatized is a fate befitting a hero or a villain but given the ages of the subjects that tend to undergo the process I think it’s safe to assume they’re real pieces of shit
The bad news is that everything is going to be incredibly fucked for the next four or five hundred years. The good news is that after that we’re home free
Dogs of war would be a beautiful name for a strip club
My family couldn’t afford mixer when I was growing up. Explains a lot I think
(texting my boss at 4am) i feel very normal today and i am excited to work :)
With all due respect to David berman of you can afford margaritas at the mall why would you ever kill yourself
Tfw they paint you with honey but the ants do not come
The world only ends once every 250 years or so. We’re lucky to be able to see it
Listening to the eagles and riding around in a black ski mask with no lights
lol I had the opposite thing where I stopped liking horse with no name when I realized it wasn’t Neil young
Dire straits is good buh buh buh buh buh microwave oven
Thought I liked steely Dan for a couple years but turned out I was thinking of dire straits
Never meet your entities
Bike lights are for midwits
Getting integrated back into society 🔜
Going to kill him with a nail gun p soon
Me: Wait a second….. I thought lawyers weren’t supposed to be able to die in car crashes Pittsamingo, my 6” tall cgi helper/friend: signore, he was disbarred so sorry to say
Rudy Giuliani has been disbarred by oncoming traffic
Puberty for me was not so good. Hair started growing in the strangest of places, oh and the desire to eat rocks
Sour creamify me cap’n
Catch me in the meow wolf sharpening my knives
There is a rot in everything It’s how the smell gets in
You guys are throwing rotten meat in my enclosure
Subtext is for grad students
Your 30s are all about getting untangled from your birth caul
I hate it when someone rolls up to one of my hundreds of posts about breastfeeding and tries to sexualize it. This isn’t about fucking it’s about milk. There is no subtext.
Yo ma lemme hit that runt nipple
August
My mom used to call her tail ‘the runt nipple’ and she’d dip it into some milk and let me suck it off and pretend I was weaning like my brothers
(preparing for my life of political exile) тебе нравится "stardew valley"?
Sometimes I worry that puberty is going to fuck my whole shit up
Update: they’re taking away my medical license for putting too many magnets in the baby’s head
Idea: one magnet in the boob and one magnet in the baby’s head. Make it easier for him to ‘latch on’
The milk doctor: to me I consider it good when the baby ‘latch on’
It’s rude to speculate about how much milk I got as a baby btw
Starting to think I didn’t get enough milk as a baby. Or maybe I did get plenty of milk but it was milk that poisons your brain
Dear Abbie, I work at a big company with a lot of thirsty guys and by the time my boss gets to me on our lunch break she’s always out of milk. I’m a newish hire and I don’t want to rock the boat but how do I respectfully bring up the idea of a wet nurse to her? I’m struggling to focus on my task!
I keep ruining my bosses shirt with my tears
I hate going on after Batman. “I’m vengeance 2.” Everyone in this fricking room hates my guts
Rapinzel rapubzel let down your poop
It feels so nice to just let the ideas fall out of you like loose stool
Minors please inquire, I’d love to link up with my peers. I’m about to be in the fourth grade but I’m not dogmatic about it
Fourth grade is so good when you don’t have a bitch on your ear telling you this is going to be the hardest grade yet
I’m rich in bad experiences though. I’m rich in dog shit piece of shit
Introducing a mind expanding activity to the stub
You can help by expanding it
A group of 5’8 guys is called a stub
I’m going to learn juggling in phys Ed
Opinion: Fourth Grade Is Going To Be So Sick
Bring it in guys. ‘The human experience’ on 3
Honestly I’m excited to go back to school, my camp counselor was doing woke sharia law to me this year
I’m only flesh and blood and drones
Hey siri is the girl from ipanema a woke song
Go back to Ipanema
Put the cyst on the phone I have instructions
😬 my wife doesn’t want me talking to anyone with a cyst in their ovaries
I went to hello world and nobody knew you but everybody had a kind greeting on their lips
Got a great Parisian tailor for you jonk….. he’s at the bottom of a conical pit
It’s gay to be proud of yourself because you’re being proud of your dads cum. Also it’s incest
Guess mama must have had a coarse pussy because by the time I was born I was already worn smooth and perfect like a stone in the water
And it should be 30 feet long and women should drag it around behind them like a tail
My dad was 72 when he conceived me but his sperm was still pretty good as evidenced by my pleasant demeanor and tremendous strength
He actually matches every dollar if you use food stamps
I’m not even sure he’s a farmer
You can buy fentanyl at the farmers market but the guy doesn’t have a booth
I don’t need to be immersed in art I need to keep the art at arms length
When I ain’t nothing but this hound dog that you see I sleep beneath the golden hill
Would have decreased my leverage
I knew
More like arseli babbit
