Wobbling back and forth, the husband thought for a moment before replying, " Well now, let me see…You don't drink, you don't smoke, you don't gamble and you've got your own moneymaker. I'm guessing you could live FOREVER!”
Jongleur trying to do it all: writing, art, music. My existence is my verification. Not the grrrl your mother wanted you to marry. “i’m a strong cup of coffee, dark, bitter and hot Love me or leave me. https://rc-dewinter.pixels.com/
22,664 followers 11,294 following 38,804 posts
view profile on Bluesky
Wobbling back and forth, the husband thought for a moment before replying, " Well now, let me see…You don't drink, you don't smoke, you don't gamble and you've got your own moneymaker. I'm guessing you could live FOREVER!”
His infuriated wife yelled, "NOTHING!! IN ONE WEEKEND YOU'VE SPENT AN ENTIRE MONTH'S PAY. THEN COME HOME STILL DRUNK! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I COULD'VE LIVED ON A MONTH'S PAY????"
Barely able to stand, her husband pulled both pockets of his pants inside out and they were completely empty. With a hiccup he answered, "It appears I have nothing left."
He belched and replied, “That I did, my lovely woman!" She glared back at him, "And how much of that month's pay do you have left?"
A Welsh coal miner was met at the door by his obviously angry wife when he arrived home on Sunday morning, still drunk from the weekend. She asked him: "Did you not get paid Friday for working all month?"
this isn't a joke. Yep, that’s his Russian code name. Keep on kissing red ass, #traitor.
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said, "I had no idea..." The lawyer cut him off once again: “So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?”
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No." Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The staff at a local United Way office realized it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
"Well, not exactly", KC said. "When she answered the door I said, ‘You must be Cooter's widow.’” She said, ‘You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.’ Then I said, “I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
2 hours later he came back carrying a case of Budweiser. Pete said, “Where’d you get that beer, KC?" That’s unbelievable!” Pete exclaimed. “You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
As the ambulance took the body away Pete said, “Well damn, someone should go tell his wife." KC said OK, I'm pretty good at that stuff. I'll do it."
3 rednecks were working on a cell phone pole: Cooter, Pete and KC. As they started their descent Cooter slipped, fell off the tower and was instantly killed.
Thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the King hired the donkey.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
However, in a short time, torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to execute the meteorologist.
The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." So the King continued on his way.
On the way, they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and they asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesties, you should return to the palace. In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm."
The Legend of the King and the Fisherman After the palace meteorologist assured them there was no chance of rain, the King and the Queen went fishing.
One evening after dinner a woman was lecturing her husband. "Today I got on the subway and three young men stood up so I could sit down. See? Men can still be gallant." Her husband looked at her and asked drily, “And did you fit?” MEN! Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em.
What's a chubby demon's greatest fear? Cross-Fit Exorcise
What did the double legume in a shell become after making its first confession? A peanutent This how good poets make bad puns.
“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny. “Wait,” said the teacher. "The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
“So, everyone knows that he was the first president," answered Johnny. “Well, just wait a minute," the teacher continued. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
“Well,” said the teacher, “I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the student who sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you.”
The teacher pulled Little Johnny aside after a test and said, “Johnny, I think you’ve been cheating on your tests. You know I can’t condone cheating.” Johnny was astounded and asked the teacher to prove it.
The physicist pushed the basketball into a bucket of water and measured the water displacement. The engineer looked it up online.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to measure the volume of a basketball. The mathematician grabbed a cord to measure its circumference and from there worked out its volume.
Get even with the bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
Why did the ants dance on the jam jar lid? It said twist to open. I'm terribly sorry
A monk was selling flowers on the Playboy mansion grounds and no one but Hef could get him to leave... Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
A Tibetan monk saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. He raised his eyes to heaven and cried, “I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
What do you call a friar on the wrong side of the law? Felonious monk.
What happened when the man lost his suspenders? He became one of those For Whom the Belt Holds.
Not only did he notice me staring but also decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said, “Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages."
I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt – a box of condoms.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing.”
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate.
“ Hey, off the record, I just gotta ask ya, what did that condor taste like?” “Honestly”, replied the hiker, “it tasted just like the Snowy Owl”.
A few months later at the federal courthouse in San Francisco, the hiker did indeed, get off with a suspended sentence. As he was walking down the courthouse steps he was approached by a news reporter.
“Well, I’m sure the authorities will go light on you, but I have to do my job and take you in. That bird is an endangered species”. “Understood”, said the hiker.
As he approached the hiker, the ranger noticed a campfire pit and the charred remains of a large bird. “Is that a California Condor”, asked the ranger? “Yup”, replied the hiker.
A middle-aged man got lost while hiking in the Sierra Mountains. Rescue calls went out and three days later a National Park ranger located him.
ate one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a Republican congressman !" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!”
What is Donald Trump "really" trying to do? Make America Hate Again.
A man’s wife put her hand on his leg, winked at him and told him to spice things up they should try some role-reversal in the bedroom tonight. He thought it was a great idea, so he told her he had a headache, turned off the light, rolled over and went right to sleep.
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward shore. Halfway there, he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?” “We didn’t do anything,” the old guy said. “The sharks got ’em.”
While fishing off Myrtle Beach, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. Petrified, he yelled to an old guy standing on the shore, “Are there any gators around here?” “Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”
The man told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. " Tim replied, "Ah, bummer, mate!" “I hadn't thought of that!” the man exclaimed. “Thanks for the advice. You saved my honeymoon!"
An American couple went to Australia on their honeymoon. after a day at the beach the husband called a helpline. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"
Back in 1960 I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and skinned my bare knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media back then.
“I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle... ...here is my... other handle? *HOLY SHIT*, I'M A SUGAR BOWL!
"That's easy," Amy answered. “By the nail that's over the stall.” Laughing rudely, the man said, “And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" Amy turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on." Slam dunk, blondie!
The man, assuming he was dealing with an airhead blonde, asked, "Tell me – because I'm dying to know – how would YOU know this is the right cow to be bred?”
“I’m here to inseminate the cow,” he said. Amy took him down to the barn. They walked along the row of cows and when Amy saw the nail she told him, “This is the one right here."
so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" After awhile, the artificial insemination guy arrived and knocked on the front door.
A blonde city girl named Amy married a Colorado rancher. One morning. on his way out to check on the fields, her husband said, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows,
He was impressed and called in the cook to ask him how he did this. Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven. Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic. Cook: In that case, sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.
An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed every biscuit had the ship’s insignia embossed on it.
👍😎
It's a brand new day and I'm
And we're off
Sucks, doesn't it
but hey gotta run it's thursday night and you know what that means bowling with the cia © 2017 RC deWinter Published in The Cabinet of Heed Issue 42, January 2020
i think it's time to stick twigs in my hair paint myself with woad and dance naked in the moonlight in the middle of the road
reality's caked with funhouse mirrors and i'm beginning to hurt in places i didn't know i had
so herbed maggot soup? horse piss frosties? peanut butter and jellyfish sandwiches? rhus radicans with of course yersinia pestis dressing?
but not to be outdone by a dead talking head the current cockwomble is taking it to the next level
not to mince words but are you fucking kidding me? wasn't it bad enough when president dementia elevated ketchup to vegetable status?
imagine chopping and mincing and cooking prairie dogs to a tasty paste and the hapless serf at your favorite fast food palace asking would you like yersinia pestis sauce with that?
a tunneldwelling rodent whose fleas make them vectors of the plague yes that plague
something to be served as a piquancy on a bun with godknowswhatelse the prairie dog! the prairie dog!
#poetry bowling with the cia i read somewhere yes it was a reputable source that a gaggle of scientists whored out to the government from thirdrate universities have declared the prairie dog a condiment
Amen!
Merci
So somebody give me a sword, and before I join those destined to be headless I'll taste some sweet revenge on this fierce tongue that's done nothing but talk. © 2013 RC deWinter published in “Jerky” by Meat for Tea: The Valley Review June 2025
What could I do for them then, but wave my lace and cry to them farewell? The time for pretty things is done. There is no place for decoration in a world gone mad.
And what good has that done me? It didn't stay pretty long, that lace - it's soiled and tattered, splattered with mud thrown up from the tumbrels as they rolled past, all crowded with heroes on their way to La Cravate.
#poetry Joining the Mob Somebody hand me a sword! I want to slash and burn the ugliness of life. I've got matches - you know I keep things hot - but long ago I traded my weapons for lace.
all the secrets i saved for a day that never came demagnetizing © 2020 RC deWinter Published in Meat For Tea The Valley Review Volume 16 Issue 4 December 2022
i can almost taste the electrons rushing to the embrace the earth in the erotica of the unexpected somewhere the devil’s laughing and the walls laugh too as words rust in my throat
#poetry lightning, december lightning splits the sky fierce pitchforks illuminating the nothingness of this frigid winter night it’s late for a thunderstorm but meteorology is no respecter of the calendar
of course that should've said UnAmerican but my phone speaks English as a second language. i'm going to have to remember to look at every single thing I speak before I post it. I don't know who programmed this phone but I don't think English was their native language.
#MoodMusic Time Will Tell CF de Jager music.youtube.com/watch?v=QXipyN…
Fucking violent criminals
WTF? This is what the ugliness of the so-called government is spawning. Ginning up racism and sexism that's exploding into violence. you can thank Trump and his handlers for this. It's unacceptable it's an American and we shouldn't have to live with this.
#MoodMusic Subcity Tracy Chapman music.youtube.com/watch?v=WFBbzP…
soundcloud.com/doceliot/a-m...
Another night I might have wept at this desertion, but tomorrow you’ll be home to wrap me in your glossy wings. Closing my eyes, I inhale the scent of your skin and choreograph a ballet of our own. © 2017 RC deWinter Published in Apaja'simk by Tiny Seed Literary Journal January 2022
Then, suddenly, they’re gone to wherever it is they put themselves for the night and I am, once again, alone in what is now the velvet of an autumn evening.