Ha!
(anxious Curly sounds) https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:7bv2ca3yawj662o7qxd5xyt7/feed/aaalp2rwdye36 Here’s our wicked cool Etsy shop: https://kitchentableworks.etsy.com
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Ha!
My wife's great great grandmother was a midwife who ran a still during prohibition and chased her physically abusive husband out of town at the point of a gun. I told my daughters "you better be glad I didn't know this until after you were born because one of you would for sure be named Agnes"
Like one of those fancy clawfoot tables
Howsit URS!
The brash uncle in the plane family
For sure!
Can’t ask for better grain :)
I’m from away, Roy. I’m a Masshole 😃
Purge trauma - not humans
Tentacle Pot 271
Be the changer of the empty toilet paper roll you wish to see in the world
The line hadn’t moved in 20 minutes, and Frank was starting to get pissed.
Imagine being mad at me and I'm just over here making my dog a ham and cheese omelet
If you call something "scrumptious" in my presence you're getting slapped
Earlier today I caught live bee in the house and put him outside, basically saving his life, and probably, the entire Earth's food chain. You're welcome. What? No, no, I don't need an award. What's that? You're going to name it after me? Oh no, I couldn't accept. I'm just a humble man and whatnot.
“It was as rare as a non-obese Pug.”
I understand that you are excited that the boys are back in town. I'm waiting for the return of rule of law, a compassionate immigration policy, independent media, and a sense of normalcy.
Totally over crusty old white men telling me anything.
My daughter bought me the cutest overalls in Hawaii that have a secret pocket in the leg for a bong but I’ll probably use it for Kleenex.
sorry i was too hot to let you merge
20 minutes to sit and rest and then back to screaming
Viewing wild rabbits through my sextant as they appear silently one by one at dusk, like distant tiny tall ships at the edges of the lawn
“Hey lady your flashlight widget is on” is the closest I came to sex in a while.
This kinda sucks because I was well prepared to kick ass in a post apocalyptic hellscape in my 20s and now that I'm in my 50s I'm only suited to be a maniac warlord or reclusive enigmatic hermit who'll only help the resistance if they can convince me their motives are pure
Being a misanthropic loner is paying dividends in 2025
Call me an empathetic liberal… I’ll wear that shit like a badge of honor
[sloshes drink] everything is obvious, you just don't like it
The rules are most simple & basic. Meanies get no eggplant rollatinis
Boy you folks really can’t handle a smart woman, can you?
This coffee tastes like we are spectacularly fucked. Where's my passport.
Come over, I’ll dry hump you while the Spaghetti-Os heat up.
What this country needs is a unifying event. Like the Moon landing, or Woodstock, or maybe Jonestown. Something like that
Put a fire starter square in the suet feeder this morning. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.
Saved a red dragonfly from a spiders web but it’s on its own it with the resulting lifelong trauma. Good luck little buddy.
Counterpoint: guillotine
Abide? In this economy?
I loved her, but she was kind enough to remain oblivious.
I’ve been uncomfortable before. I don’t care for it.
if u see a ufo do not say anything
Show me your getaway vehicle…
If you are on the side that is defunding Julia Child, Mr. Rogers, and Big Bird, it might be time to take a long look on the mirror
My dad was like you’re inventive like me & told me he felt bad his baby brother struggled to sit upright longer than normal so he suctioned a plunger in his wagon & tied him to it so he could take him places & see stuff & I was like I don’t think I’d tie a baby to a plunger, Dad
i had to move the hummingbird feeder away from the fence cuz the raccoon was draining it every night & now the hummingbirds are having a meeting about me
He thinks he’s playing Monopoly but it’s RISK and unfortunately there’re no Go to Jail cards in his whacked deck. WILL SOMEONE WITH A CANDLESTICK IN THE OVAL ROOM PLEASE START A NEW GAME???
All I need is the air that I breathe and lots of money
In Search Of Whatever
i fell off a ladder today please send nudes
Terrible twos? Fuck off fifties™️
Opening a Spirit Halloween where my heart used to be
Sure, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. It’s of no use to me any more.
Client - Oh did you see on the news... Me - (pointing out the window) Look, birds.
I saw a guy today wearing a t-shirt that said “Unapologetically Christian.” It inspired me to get a shirt saying “Proudly passive aggressive.”
*trapped in quicksand, slowly disappearing Fuck yes.
Little GTO
well he LOOKS dead anyway
i'm back, baby! (permanently suspended from twitter)
Can't. I have six tries to find a hidden five-letter word.
autocorrect changed pie to porn & that sounds about right
Oh, probably just collapse into a pile of goo, you?
life is short eat a garden tomato for breakfast
He who lives by the butter knife dies by the butter knife
I am her this morning and she is me
Went to a Flaming Lips show last night and my God do we all need injections of those vibes these days as we dive into the fight. Just to remember what it's all about. You can really feel the energy to fight coming back when engaged in art and joy. Essential to the process imo
In the beginning of magic it wasn't a big deal. Oh it's magic if this happens, okay. But then robes got caught up in how are we supposed to wash these if we do not say okay about tags also and tumble dry low just sounded more exotic
(Holding a picnic basket, shouting up to you on the battlements of your besieged castle) Is this a bad time?
i’m sorry but i just can’t take Magneto seriously as a villain. Mag Neato are you kidding me
Me: holy shit I'm exhausted, how far did we go? Fitbit: you've just woken up and you're sitting on the toilet
McCoy at the moment he's told to stop pressing random buttons on the bridge.
Why stop and pet the roses when you can stop and smell the dogs?
🌴
Some days gravity tugs a little harder on you but that just means you're trying not to fall in love with centrifugal force
you think the 1950s seemed quaint, but there was tons of drama caused by milkmen
i have decided to get hotter out of spite
My mom started hanging old CDs in the garden so that if a bird comes over to peck at a tomato it will quickly become distracted by its desire to learn QuickBooks
"Blonde Claire Trevor who does her sailing out of Newport Harbor, can roll her cigarettes in the wind too—the mark of a real sea dog." ~Photoplay, July 1936
Are you a man of Kent or a Kentish man hiyooooooo
It's definitely not in Kent. Take my word for it.
going to try losing someone else's mind for a change
I have so few fucks to give, I'm going to boil water in my kettle and make zero cups of tea
Jason, the world awaits your published account
Oh wait, there was also the gay great-grandfather who served time in Leavenworth for sodomy.
The guys who did it fled to Texas, came back 7 years later, and were acquited.
Good on her!
Our oldest and least vocally political family member is in DC right now for work and did mention to some National Guard that she was sorry they’re being so humiliated by partisans and it was sublime and perfect for her as she doesn’t like confrontation. They were like wait a minute….
I was going to start the euphemism contest back up but I gotta go work the pole saw.
I’m almost done with my 10,000 hours of Malcom Gladwell insults so if he bugs you get ready for some expert content
Why Lazy Boy and not Lazy Man? Has this topic been covered.? Thanks in advance.
always the dodged a bullet; never the one that got away
*rushing into work out of breath* sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night.
"I'm looking to build a stable relationship with someone who can share my dreams and move forward with me through life." So you DM a 64 yr old fat guy who's been married 27 years and just wants to eat his oreos and watch the ballgame in peace. Checks out.
When you work 4 ten hour days, you don't get a true hump day. You get two mid hump days. Leaving you with an in-between company blueballs space not relieved until the end of day 3. Capitalism is weird.
I know it sounds stupidly macho (and it is) but I'm usually pretty fearless about most things medical. So what is it about combining the words back and surgery?
I just need it noted that I have suffered through an hour and a half now of House Hunters for my wife without one eye roll, wisecrack, or "you know they already have their house bought, right?" And Trump wants a Nobel.
Thanks.
Legend.
Best I can do is a great-great-grandfather who died in a knife fight in a general store in central Florida.
Potluck every Sunday. It’s a little out of the way. You’re gonna need a horse. Bring dessert.