Still punk af
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Still punk af
Four Seasons Total Landscaping and Emergency Services
Licks my finger and sticks it in the outlet just to feel something
If you’re going have a child, don’t give them issues to carry as an adult.
Her: Hi. Me: Don’t bother, I’m an idiot.
thoughts ARE prayers bro
The acting CDC director thinks we should monetize organ transplants and that the public should just determine if new medicines are safe on their own. And also is not a doctor. In response I’m going to throw another $1,000 towards my family’s “escape from the US” fund.
Ambling around the countryside, I play my mandolin to soothe the discomforts of crampy ladies, for I am: The wandering menstrual.
welp, it's all downhill from here - me, when the caffeine buzz starts fading
Some people gain weight in summer. Some people gain weight in winter. But if you try hard and you're not a quitter, you can gain weight year-round.
- And you know what hurt me the most? - No - That
[watching a Harry Potter movie with the kids] 15: he shouldn’t keep whipping his wand out in front of muggles like that 12: and that’s not a euphemism! me: *never been prouder*
When you see 3 cyclists riding alongside each other is it better to take out all 3 of them in one go or just clip the one on the outside so they go over like dominoes? Asking for a friend…
Sorry I’m late, I was just sexting with my wife. Well, when I say sexting I mean I texted asking her to Q-tip my ears for me before my appointment with my doctors later, but I did add a kiss.
In any conflict situation I'll always try to be the bigger man. Mind you, given my many years of overeating that’s not exactly a challenge.
[public bathroom] ME (calling into a stall): doing okay sweetie? 6YO NIECE: yeah it’s a good poop ME: what makes it a good poop 6YO NIECE: it didn’t happen in my pants
when your heart hurts just poke it with a stick, look at that now you have a snack
Slicing off my own face just to have an amusing anecdote at parties.
Welcome to your 50s. No one knows how, but you’ve screenshot your home screen three times today. Again.
Doc Martens is short for Documentary Martens.
Self care cinnamon rolls.
I so WANNA DO THINGS My brain just won't unscramble the signals for what I want to do, or can do, or how to move
The skeletons in my closet are high on edibles and covered in peanut butter
One time I started a club to trade stickers and talk about boys but you had to like caprisuns and be able to hula hoop to be a member.
My son manages six fantasy football leagues like he went to MIT
It’s so weird how we can post while we’re completely naked and no one even knows. Not me though, I’m wearing socks.
People be like omg gross you like tomatoes and then go eat ass
Imagine if we all got 12 minute standing ovations for doing our jobs.
I put my pants on like everybody else, since balance is everything.
Her: My family is coming to town this weekend, but I'll be away on business. Are you going to see them? Me: Lady, I don't even like seeing my own family. Why the hell would I go see yours if you're not going to make me.
Not me crying about another Publix commercial!
Sometimes we overlook things we shouldn’t because we’re not ready to face hard facts. Sad thing is, delaying the inevitable only makes it worse.
you guys should buy a minivan so you can all fuck off at once
Hollandaise Sauce is almost always an improvement to a dish.
reminder that karma is indeed a fickle twat, mind your garden and be kind
Pfft and you said cognitive dissonance like it was a BAD thing who’s jealous now
Dear World What comes after numb ? I fear it is death Please tell me tis not Shall be eagerly awaiting for your reply among the warm fires set in tangerine groves where darting dragonflies gather among the few of us who still need to believe in better Sincerely, Hope #brokenpoet
the seduction of quiet poems with hidden trip wires..
It would be funny if John Bolton had a copy of the Epstein files. Unredacted. and an FBI agent leaked it to the media.
What a waste of an awfully nice nose to continuously be in none of its business.
It's nothing a shot of whiskey and a mechanical bull won't fix.
Any weekend plans? Might strap on my bedazzled fanny pack later and go poke all the " fresh" produce at the Super Walmart.
At what point should you worry about your drinking? I bet it's before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Lowering his red flag to half staff because he forgot to bring his Viagra.
Remember, it’s only a grudge if I cared enough to hate
Let’s hang out for hours and say nothing
Proudly logging into bsky and seeing y’all like…
Remember, we’re are all here because you asked Jesus to drive.
I don't understand random siren noises in songs that aren't about the police coming after you
Just sent a text that was emotional, vulnerable and included the phrase “I think I’m finally healing.” Unfortunately, I sent it to my plumber and he just now replied with “I’m proud of you!”
Joni Ernst isn't seeking reelection in 2026. She has decided to devote more time making coats out of Dalmatian puppies.
not a psychopath but instead a full on psychohighway
i knew we were doomed as a country when people stopped knowing what to do at a four-way stop.
When everything is going wrong, be grateful you have no allergy to coffee.
This country has always been split into two camps: freedom to be naked and freedom from naked people.
Grab life by the horns. Then impale yourself with them.
*Seductively puts the toilet paper on the roll the way you hate it*
The picture I submitted for my passport was rejected yet again. I thought those nudes were tasteful.
Why is everyone so funny tonight :::looks down at empty edibles packet::: Oh.
the gen x struggle to not clarify the mood of what you've written with emojis
The difference between women and men? If we ask you to smell something, it’s usually good
You just know he still cheats when playing golf with his grandchildren.
Nothing beats the accusing look on the cat's face when he comes inside, stalks over to the kibble bowl, and discovers I've filled it in his absence.
Here to judge the skeets
As two things we rely on for our immediate survival, it’s shocking how horrible humans treat air and water.
Maybe we should all do a ritual all across the globe. Not because it would work but bc the rich get really antsy when they see the people enjoying their suffering too much.
choosing to believe i’ve simply evolved past the need to sleep every day
A tragic love story where we spend our whole lives hiding from each other because we are scared of what it means to give away pieces of ourselves.
Manipulation happens when an individual disrespects you disregards their own actions and subsequently assigns blame to you for your reaction to their behavior
Video appeals 46-year-old conviction for killing The Radio Star, argues that The Radio Star is alive and well and living under assumed name of The Podcaster.
we have so little to celebrate these days that even the brief possibility is good enough to lose our shit to and frankly we should because we deserve some joy no matter how fleeting
Please donate to my GoFundMe to help me walk again. I'm not disabled. I'm just lazy.
Women camping: too much food, too many clothes, 6 bottles of bug spray, 5 first aid kits, 100L of alcohol Men camping: four hotdogs, no buns, $10000 of fishing gear, no underwear, 100L of alcohol.
It’s 2025 and naming your baby after your favorite pasta shape is empowering
i wonder if my hips or my will to live will give out first
it is the time of evening when we don our opera capes and tickle each other with giant feathers
back to the ol’ joke factory, i say with my panties around my ankles
you should qualify for a COVID vaccine simply for living in this fucking embarrassment of a timeline
even if he isn't dead, cremate him anyway
Here’s the thing about Cracker Barrel changing its logo: Release the Epstein Files.
used to put lsd under my tongue, now I just put b12
sorry I'm late, I was psychoanalysing your nervous system.
Sugar magnolia blossoms blooming timeline cleanse.
That the universe is ever-expanding is why the bathroom feels farther away from the bed every night.
Crushing a salami into my forehead like an empty beer can.
Going to see how many times I can say c u next tuesday today
your honor, ChatGPT said it was ok
Transition lenses for protection from my glare.
Gathered here warming ourselves at dumpster fires we didn’t start, and maybe some we did.
I’d like to think we’re better than this, but I won’t.
Push back. Push back harder.
Sorry I said I was sorry when I wasn't.
When do we get to start blinding people with science.
How about I be your Yesferatu.
Netflix 2026 documentary: Fall of the Podcast Bros
Last-minute fashion accessories
More to the point
Never mind red pills or blue pills, everyone's been at the stuff Alice tried.
I listened to country for you. Please respond.