(during sex) Yes, this is a professional tenor kazoo and yes, it has a different and much warmer timbre than a student version. Do you still want that orgasm or are you going to keep asking questions? (angrily continues playing the kazoo)
Scot, buffet-slayer, occasional caddie, cynic.
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(during sex) Yes, this is a professional tenor kazoo and yes, it has a different and much warmer timbre than a student version. Do you still want that orgasm or are you going to keep asking questions? (angrily continues playing the kazoo)
If I was Saltbae, I'd be opening an all American beef restaurant in Florida and jumping on the MAGA grift.
Me: The rack? You're going to torture me with boobs?? Maybe after that i can suffer the Thighs lmao Medieval torturer: See it's this kind of thing that got you here in the first place
@nivenj1.bsky.social is the shopping centre in Irvine where the Albanian lads have been done for growing the weed the same place your dad worked at?
Oh dear, how sad, never mind.
There is a sporting family in England. The children are Gary and his twin siblings Tracey and Phil. Their father is Neville Neville.
Take your mama by scissor sisters is Elton John and Rocks by Primal Scream is the Stones.
Hardest I've ever laughed in a cinema. Crying, whilst punching the back of the (thankfully vacant) seat in front of me.
Getting introduced by friends to someone you've just had an argument with.
In France Scottie Scheffler is called Scottie Cauliflower. #opengolf
I'm just happy that a Scottish 2nd xv can beat a kiwi 3rd xv. Our depth is better now.
Got the hardback at Christmas and recently got around to starting it. The overseas gigs/parents gag is sublime.
The mid-song banter of Jarvis Cocker is a tad Shuttleworthesque and I'm absolutely fine with that. #glastonbury #pulp
ewok is short for electronic wok
When I used to get the train in SE London I'd see a lot of the same people. We NEVER spoke to each other, and we were all the better for it. Thinking back, nods may have been exchanged.
When I lived in London I came to quite a few of the recordings. Very much looking forward to the Sunday in Edinburgh.
Just watched it a few times again. When he regathers it, there's a bloke at the bottom of the screen who has his head in his hands then starts applauding. That's the coach of the team who are conceding that try.
Cheapshot coward
This was circa 2000.
Been using chief as a term of endearment for decades. 'a'right chief' is a common greeting. The stinkeye I got from a black train guard, for a well-intentioned 'thanks chief' now makes a lot more sense. Every day's a school day.
I think he likes it. He speaks, the market goes down. He speaks again, the market goes up. Reminds me of a child playing with the bell on a bus
This is worth your time.
The best thing about today's news is thinking about how bored Trump's going to be at the funeral mass.
The best thing about today's news is thinking about how bored Trump's going to be at the funeral mass.
This is the sort of thing social media is for. Gives me hope.
Schrödinger’s cat Venn
I just need everyone to watch this and understand I have been laughing about it for 24 hours
Every time I take my 8 year old to watch our local football team I tell the bloke at the turnstile that I get in for free because I'm under sixteen but I'd better pay for the laddie because he's 45. My son HATES this joke.
"Everything reminds me of her" I whisper, as I walk past a tree shaped like a bitch
“Police broke into a Quaker Meeting House last night (27 March) and arrested six young people holding a meeting over concerns for the climate and Gaza…No-one has been arrested in a Quaker meeting house in living memory.”
I'm experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
@distantpod.bsky.social www.instagram.com/haddingtonrf... I saw a lad do this for my hometown club on Saturday and haven't stopped smiling.
@squidgerugby.bsky.social www.instagram.com/haddingtonrf.... I saw this try on Saturday and haven't stopped smiling.
Sweet dreams
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again. And then the bears moved in.
subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz343bs
There's a lot going on in the world, but I went to my first Hibs match in a dozen years today, we pumped Hearts and that's left me happy.
I don't think people here have forgotten the murder of Andrei Litvinenko nor the chemical weapons attack in Salisbury that killed one British citizen, left others gravely ill & recklessly risked the lives & health of hundreds.
You: They did the math. Me: ᵀʰᵉʸ ᵈⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵒⁿˢᵗᵉʳ ᵐᵃᵗʰ You: What was that? Me: Nothing. Me three hours later in a whisper: ᴵᵗ ʷᵃˢ ᵃ ᵍʳᵃᵛᵉʸᵃʳᵈ ᵍʳᵃᵖʰ
@bsky.app hi, please reinstate @vizcomic.bsky.social - this magazine is a high street staple in the UK, it’s responsible for this type of gloriousness
How about a ninja movie that stops obsessing over their boring sword fights and focuses instead on their gorgeous calligraphy
Jac Morgan is becoming the new Sergio Parisse. He's world class, but all his team can really hope for is the occasional win v Scotland.
Stunned that no one has blamed a cyclist yet.
One of the greatest line reads of all time. Tim Curry for Command And Conquer, clearly it was a one and done and he could barely stop laughing at the ridiculousness of the line. Perfection
I feel seen.
Palin was 45 when he did around the world in 80 days.
Thank you.
Where's the prof content? Merry Christmas.
you know who should be inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame? Sisyphus
tiny.cc/wfg2001 Time's running out, folks. Get all your Christmas shopping done in one fell swoop by clicking on this (imagine a finger pointing upwards) link. We can't keep these books out of the publisher's pulping machines much longer.
Happy 8th birthday to the time my parents brought over wine in a plastic box because Mum was “increasingly wary of glass".
Here’s something childish to raise the tone here
Until everyone refers to a child going absolutely mental as 'going full Muffin' then the work is not complete.
Berwick-upon-Tweed is north of Kilmarnock.
Conversely, the greatest is when you bite into what you believe to be a milk chocolate digestive, only to find it's a milk chocolate caramel digestive.
Aaagh! I entirely forgot: On another Christmas music tip, today is Radio 3's annual trip around European radio stations for Christmas music. It is always sensational. Get it put on.
There was a headline yesterday that said 'Hibs hit three'. Apologies if you've discussed it before, but surely four is the minimum for a 'hitting'?
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights? Pirate: More parity! Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Not going to argue with you. I'd say the 2 unluckiest Scots would be Cummings and Darge. We're a significantly poorer side without either of them.
Can I just timestamp the idea for a t-shirt with the wee jockey on it and the caption reads FRANKIE SAYS NO TAX on it. Thanks.
Keep your motor
He took 'building a secure environment for your family' way too far.
I haven't lived in London for eight years but I still remember the joy of figuring out that the quickest way to change at Green Park was to follow the exit signs until you were at the barriers and then go back down. Blissful.
Sorry, but the horse I rode in on has a boyfriend
Kingpin, any given Sunday, tin cup, warrior, White men can't jump.
I’ve been expecting a letter that was sent days ago. Luckily I remembered to check my junk folder and sure enough, there it was.
I understand the human instinct. I’d want to do the same. But that’s why no individual should be given the power to pardon members of their family.
If Millie Bobby Brown grows to 1000 times her size, she becomes Bobby Brown
Uh oh
It is a truth universally acknowledged in my corner of Scotland that crosscountry trains reek ae pish.
People who say we should focus on our own in our own country
Just cutting an article out of Kerrang! with some rock paper scissors.
Seen
Saying they need to keep their current voters and persuade about 120,000 people across Mich, Wisc and Penn to vote the other way is too simplistic.
big thighs. cordial.
They’ve released the Christmas Discourse Schedule! Lots to look forward to this year.
Leave Dent out of this. She wasn't there as she had COVID. Previously she said I reminded her of Chris Hoy. I mean she said it about that cool guy I know.
When it suits his agenda.
Chiles once stopped this really cool guy I know winning a countdown quarter final by disallowing the word orangest.
me: professor x: yes, i can read minds me: professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chipmunks alludes to he himself not being one
All these years later, I still haven't decided if MC Hammer was telling me that this very moment was the time to start hammering or if we were all of us living in the time of the hammer, collectively.
Paul Hogan, The Wiggles, Bouncer, can you hear me? #scovaus
Of course this is just 4 characters, but still it's comedy gold...
He was born on a leap day. I've forgotten a lot of vital bits of information in my time, yet that remains.
Not too fussy.
How does Rick Witter season his roast chicken? Thyme and thyme and thyme again.
I prefer a Morning Roll with HP sauce and a splodge of haggis.
In my 'for you' in the other place got given a Tommy Robinson tweet. Fuck that. I've shut it down and now I'm here, bleating to noone.
"GET OVER HERE NOW AND EAT YOUR BLINDING STEW!"
I agree. Who could stop him? Declan Donnelly? Peter Kay? MacIntyre?
They suggested to me that I might want to follow Britain First. Fucking mental.
Saw Lulu near the Waitrose at St Katharine Dock on the day Jeremy Beadle died. Looked like she couldn't have given a fuck.